Such a Time as This...

I think we've all been doing a lot of thinking lately. Strong words have been used to describe our anxiety over the Coronavirus. Medically speaking, I have heard more than once that we must act as if we are living in wartime. I turned on the TV, & it was as if the reporter stole a thought right from my head. She said, "It's as if we've all been hit by a tornado at the same time." I've been a part of more than one conversation in which the "end times" has been the question of the hour. Truth is, it's only going to get worse. That's the current speculation. So... how do we stay centered? How do we not become unnerved, allowing waves of anxiety to eat us up?

If I may share a few thoughts in love...

Dear Beloved Human Being,
I know that some of you struggle with faith, & some of you choose to turn away from faith. Some of you pick & choose bits & pieces from the Bible. Our world is at the very least confusing & troublesome. Hardships are a given for everyone, especially in such a time as this. Most (if not all)  human beings are scared, stressed, & experiencing anxiety at a new level. Most of us have begun to experience loss already, whether it's the loss of a job, our sanity, fast food, our former life, or sadly a loved one. "Trusting in God is an act of deliberate humility" (as my oldest daughter posted this quote this morning). "Fear & mistrust often come from thinking we are all-knowing. Only God is" (author unknown).

My heart grieves for those whom I love who have rejected faith in God. It breaks for any soul who doesn't know Christ. What kind of human being would I be if I didn't take the time to share the anchor of my life? Penn, an atheist from the duo, Penn & Teller (2 American magicians & comedians), once asked in all seriousness, "How much do you have to hate Somebody to Not Proselytize?" So... if I love my fellow human beings, especially my loved ones, then how can I not urge you, beg you to consider Christ, especially at such a time as this?

I don't believe in shoving Christ down someone's throat. Sometimes, sharing Christ is a delicate subject because people get offended. Sometimes we don't share Christ because we fear rejection. Whatever my excuse would be for not telling other human beings about Christ... I am willing to risk the consequences that may fall on me for asking each of you (who happen to read this particular blog) to pause & search your own soul, & ask yourself (if you are a nonbeliever), "What if I am wrong?" Believing in Christ won't bring you happiness by the world's standards. However, there is an inner peace that surpasses all understanding waiting for you.

Christ won't likely miraculously take your earthly troubles away, but He will walk through this storm with you. He will give you the assurance that there is more to this earthly life than meets the eye. What we go through on this earth is temporary. We are a vapor in the wind. Our home (our eternity) is meant to be in Heaven. Jesus Christ himself said, "I am the way, the truth, & the life. No one comes to the Father but by me" (John 14:6). Faith is belief in the unseen. The unseen is more than a mere human can comprehend with his/her own eyes.

I'd like to share a conversation I had a few months ago with an elderly woman. She was moving to another state, & I realized my time with her had been cut short. She was a self-proclaimed Atheist. She had lived a rough life & survived much turmoil. Like myself, she was a breast cancer survivor, she had lost her beloved husband a few years back, & survived a hurricane in a North Carolina beach house all by herself. I gathered up all the courage I had at that moment, & I knocked on her door. She invited me in & asked me to have a seat. I asked her how she had found the strength to survive her difficult life...

She said she always knew she was a strong person but that she was very tired of being strong. I shared with her that I too had experienced some rough times in my life (not as bad as hers) & that I could not have survived them without my faith in Jesus Christ. She said that she was an Atheist. I asked her why. She shared that she was an Atheist because that is "what" she was born into. I looked her in the eye, & in the kindest way I could, I said, "You know, it's not too late for you to change." She looked at me & said, "What did you say?" I repeated myself, I said, "You know, if you would like to rethink things, you could change. You don't have to stay an Atheist." She looked at me & said, "Well... I suppose you are right." I told her that she didn't have to continue this journey alone. I sensed it was time for me to go. My courage was fading. My adrenaline was waning. We hugged, & she thanked me so much for taking the time to visit her & share my Christ.

She moved the next day. I doubt I will ever see her again on this earth.

As I close, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that some people find it hard to follow Christ because His followers behave badly. As Ghandi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians."  We are all human. When Christians mistreat others, it seems hypocritical to onlookers (both those who follow Christ & those who don't). The truth is, we are all sinners in need of a Savior. Jesus doesn't take away our sin. He suffered so that our sins may be forgiven if we know Him. We must all consider our eternity because we will spend it somewhere. What if you're wrong? What if I am wrong?

Thanks for reading,
Susie

Barbara

I don't know quite why, but lately I have felt exceptionally close to my mom. She passed away in August of 2011, but  I feel as tho' she's sitting nearby, playing the piano, & nodding at me with encouragement & understanding. I must be aging myself. I know I am because I have been drawn to the old hymns as if they are calling my name. I was brought up in First Christian Church in Waukegan, Illinois. To say it had meaning in my life would be an understatement. I asked Christ into my heart at First Christian Church. I won a hula hoop contest at a church picnic when I was a little girl. I was baptized at 12 years old. I had fun with my cousins & friends at church. I received my first Valentine at church. The list of important first continues...

One of my favorite things as a child about First Christian Church was Sunday school worship. My mom played the piano, someone stood at a podium & directed as we sang the songs. It didn't matter that I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, I just loved worship. When we were little, we sang kids songs like "Jesus Loves Me." Once we reached the middle school years (called Junior High back then), we moved to the original church building on the same property & sang hymns. I loved this time of gathering in the old building. It seemed more authentic to me, & I loved singing the hymns.

One of the perks of having my mom play the piano at church was hearing her practice the piano at home. Sometimes when she practiced, I would be in my bed falling asleep. Sometimes I'd be doing homework, playing with my dolls, or just going about my business (whatever it was for the day). On occasion, I would sit & listen & watch her play those hymns. She had a beautiful voice & often sang the hymns as she practiced. I remember as she ended each hymn, the notes would quietly trail off, she would be smiling, & always nod her head, & her pretty blue eyes would sparkle. She'd look at me, & I'd smile back. It was a quiet communication between us that had so much meaning, yet I never realized it at the time. I just loved it.

I'm not sure quite what we were saying to each other as the notes trailed off, but as she reached that last note, she always looked at me with her pretty blue eyes, smiled, & nodded. I always smiled back. This trailing off of notes complete with her smile, head nod, & blue eyes is what I've been feeling over & over since I began listening to hymns on Alexa. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. And I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives." "Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory & grace."

These hymns, the words, they have new meaning. When I sang them as a child, I loved them. As I listen to them as an adult, I cling to these words. They are my courage for tomorrow. They give meaning to my faith. They speak about Eternity & make me long for Heaven. They explain so much about Spiritual things to me. They put my thoughts & feelings into words. I heard them over & over as a child. They are ingrained in my heart. The words play over & over in my head, & each time, my mom nods at me with her pretty blue eyes. As the notes trail off, she turns to me & smiles. They take me back to that sweet moment over & over. Thank you, Mom, for such a beautiful gift.

Real words.

"She doesn't want anyone to know."
"I'm worried about her. She seemed kind of down last time we met."
"I have Metastatic Breast Cancer so I'll be doing this the rest of my life."
"I didn't know I'd be having so many reconstructive surgeries."
"I thought I'd close this chapter & walk away."
"Nobody told me my boobs wouldn't be even."
"I'm in a clinical trial, & it's working. Just pray that it keeps working."
"I found a lump."
"The fatigue is overwhelming."
"I couldn't sleep."
"I wake up every morning so sad."
"I think I have PTSD"
"You do have PTSD."
"My brain won't stop spinning."
"I've lost all of my femininity."
"It's impacting my whole family."
"My husband just doesn't know what to do."
"It's an anxiety that never goes away."
"My Labs were good."
"My tumor marker was down."
"My lump is shrinking. My chemo is working."
"I just can't focus."
"I keep gaining weight."
"I feel so ugly."
"My child has separation anxiety."
"Yes, I've met people I never would have met, but I'll never say I'm glad I got breast cancer."
"I wonder how my hair will come back."
"My wig still hasn't arrived."
With tears, my friend said she played with her grand daughter as her daughter watched. Her daughter was having treatments.
She babysits her grandchildren while her daughter has treatments.
"I decided not to have that surgery. I'd rather live with just one boob."
"I'm having another surgery."
"I'll have fat grafting. Maybe I'll look better where the Dr removes fat." Not!
"It didn't turn out how I expected."
"My friends care, but they don't really get it."

The Cost of a BOOB

Yesterday, my husband & I sat with my Plastic Surgeon. It wasn't what I expected. It was a consultation on my radiated breast. I usually refer to it as "the bad one." It's the one that "tried to kill me." What to do? Oh... what to do? I have options, I'm complicated. I have a neuromuscular disease which makes the surgery of choice questionable. It would reduce the strength of my latissimus muscle by 15%. My muscle strength is already decreased. What would this look like? How would it play out?

My radiated breast has a condition called capsular contracture. The tissue around the implant has hardened because of radiation. The skin is all but destroyed. This has caused discomfort, pain at times, cosmetic issues, & just plain ugliness. Needless to say, as is the case for many breast cancer survivors, my reconstruction did not turn out quite right. I vaguely remember my Oncology Radiologist telling me something like this could happen. I just didn't "get" it at the time.

Now I "get" it. It's become my plight. So, what is the cost of my boob? So far it's been an initial surgery which took place immediately following my double mastectomy. Over the next few years, 4 surgeries followed completing my reconstruction & tweaking it. Nipples were created. My left side became infected, & that nipple shriveled up & died. Now I'm left with only one nipple. I don't like that. I wanted symmetry.

Due to the hardening of my left breast caused by ever tightening skin which is all speckled & red from radiation & tissue which is inflamed from radiation, I have what I call a "torpedo". It doesn't seem like a breast. It doesn't feel like a breast. It bothers me. It's like wth? How did this happen? I'd like to say nobody ever told me this was a possible outcome of all of my reconstructive surgeries; however my radiologist mentioned something. It just made no sense to me.

So what am I to do? I could have a surgery which will fix the problem with minimal recovery. Problem is, my risk of infection is increased 50% because of radiation. If this surgery fails, then I wait 3 months & have surgery #2 which might cause me muscle problems because of my already decreased muscle strength. Is this even sensible? There are 2 more options...

I can do nothing & let the progression continue. Just see how it plays out. I could "go flat." That would be a permanent fix. But, oh my, am I ready for that fix? What would I do with the good boob. Would I leave it & be one sided? I'm already lopsided, & have only one nipple, but only one boob? I know women who have chosen this. But me, I like symmetry. Would I rather have none than one? It's almost too much to consider. Even tho' I look at photos of women who have chosen each of my options, I just can't picture them on me?

There's always a trade off, always a risk, always a cost. No one truly knows the cost of a boob until she has breast cancer. The surgeon loves to do surgery. He's ready to give it a try. But... he's not the one who lives with the ever changing results. He's kind. He cares. He walks through the whole picture with me. But... he makes it look hopeful. However, I've been disappointed so many times because my reconstruction didn't quite turn out.

Some would say what I have is better than nothing. Is it?

Relentless

Yes, believe it or NOT, a year has gone by, & it's time to launch Team Sweet Potatas for its 8th walk. WOW! But, this year instead of Race for The Cure, it has a whole new name, More than Pink! Don't be fooled by its new name. Yes, we Survivors are more than pink, but the cause is still the same. If you take a moment to look beneath the color of the ribbon, you will see much of what you saw last year, the year before, & the year before that. You will see a cry for help, a need for research, suffering, death, anguish, love, strength, courage, beauty, & most of all, HOPE.

You will see what your dollars have done, & you will see a need that continues to explode. You may ask, how can this be, & I will simply answer IDK! If you take a moment to look at the Susan G. Komen website, you will be amazed. Progress has occurred, & we are on the brink of a cure. But... how many more souls will suffer & die before we find that cure? As I write, so many of my friends are suffering. You may have seen the commercial for a treatment for Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. It calls Metastatic Breast Cancer relentless.

To tell you the truth, Breast Cancer doesn't have to be Metastatic to be relentless. It can become relentless on its way to Stage 4 or even at a lesser stage. Ever hear the saying, "The treatment is worse than the disease?" I'd have to say it's a toss-up. I am alive because of the research specifically done by Susan G. Komen. I have 5 beautiful grandchildren that have been born since my diagnosis. Wow! So much to bask in & for which to be thankful! However, even for me, it is relentless. It never goes away. I am not Stage 4, Metastatic, but I am forever impacted & never allowed to go back to that day before my lump was discovered.

In truth, I put on my best face. My face is genuine because my joy radiates from within my heart. My joy comes from knowing that whatever befalls me, I have a Lord & Savior who will always be with me. I am never alone, even when I feel alone. When I am scared, I focus on that fact. When my anxiety peaks, I go back to that fact. When I feel sad, I remember from whence my joy comes, & tell myself to refocus. When I don't feel well, I force myself to rest. When I am dealt another blow, I recover because I have Christ, friends, & family who love me, & 5 little smiling faces that steal my heart & make my life worth living. I talk to God a lot. He is my compass. I cry out to Him, & he hears me. He comforts me & gives me strength. Without Him, I am nothing.

So another year... I know you're sick of it! Maybe you have a different cancer, & you wonder why. "Why so much attention to Breast Cancer?" Maybe you are tired of pink. Maybe you don't want to see one more relentless pink ribbon, or maybe you don't ever want to own that pink ribbon or see your wife, sister, daughter, mother, friend or loved one owning it. That's part of the answer, the why.
The other part of the why involves the now. So many suffer now & need a cure. Please don't turn your heart away from relentless. Relentless is exhausting to all of us. Please help!

Just plain weird.

My journey is unique. It's complex. It's hopeful, but it's just plain weird! I think I have little to complain about because I had a very kind & humble, skilled doctor looking over me. She wasn't afraid to ask for help when she knew she needed it for my best outcome. I believe that someone was watching over me. The fact that other skilled surgeons were available & came to her aid (or my aid) at just the right time simply blows my mind! Because I believe that all good things come from above, I thank God for aligning my stars.

The surgery began on time. Going in, everything looked good. I'd had bleeding. My sonogram showed a thickening of the lining of the uterus. My D&C was clean. My pre op tests were good (labs & EKG). My labs the morning of the surgery were good. I had my usual amount of anxiety, but I just figured that was normal. My biggest concern being, "What if she (my doctor) finds cancer? I could never have imagined what she found, & I'm not sure that sharing it is or isn't TMI? I don't even know how to word that question clearly. So... here goes. I'm going to be straight with you. If you want to judge me for TMI, I understand.

I am still traumatized by what the doctor found. It was the severest form of endometriosis that exists. My organs had all meshed together & fallen into my pelvis. I had a frozen pelvis. My organs could not be differentiated one from the other. The doctor is trained on a a Robot. If you google Robotic, you will see a machine that looks like it just walked out of a Star Wars movie.

As the doctor operated, she was not anywhere near my body. Rather, she was sitting at a screen with a joy stick commanding the little tools to meticulously cut the endometriosis out of me. By the grace of God, the Oncology OB GYN (also trained on a Robot) was nearby & able to assist. The 2 doctors worked side by side to cut pieces of frozen endometriosis from my pelvic area. As time went on, the General Surgeon was called in. Another surprise! My rectum had grown into my uterus.

The General Surgeon said it was too complicated for her so a Colorectal Doctor who also was trained on a Robot came to the good doctor's aid on my behalf. He dissected my colon, removed it from the uterus, & sewed it back together. "What the Heck?" I'm like, "Did this really just happen?" I also had a colonoscopy during all of this. Btw... my bladder is good. That got a look too.

I think I must have had 4 or so surgeries in one unexpected sitting. Waking up was hard for me. It took about 4 hours. Once I was placed in a room, I became so nauseated I couldn't move for the next 4 hours. In all I have been through, I have never known suffering like that. I hope I never have to face 1 minute like those 4 hours ever again!

I am now home. My prayer is that I won't get an infection. My pain level is just discomfort, not really even pain. Pottying is a little unnerving, but I believe that will resolve itself in time. If I have to have surgery again (which I may), I will be afraid. Severe Endometriosis has 7 tell tale symptoms. In all of my 56 years, I have never experienced 1 symptom. Apparently, my case was silent. As I recover, I expect some level of pain. I have had little to none. Just discomfort & trouble getting up out of my chair. Hopefully, my pathology will come back cancer free. I must give a shout out to Doctor Cameron, the other doctors who so kindly stepped in, all of my praying, caring friends, & the Good Lord Above for aligning my stars.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my surgery. If you follow me on FB, you may already know that. I have debated on whether to write this blog or not. Why not? It's personal. It's private. I make myself vulnerable & entrust those who read this blog with not judging me for writing it. Why write? Because I try to live as transparently as possible without sharing information that isn't mine to share & without sharing information that would be hurtful to my loved ones. It's a fine line at times. Lastly, why write it? Because it's part of my story. Its part of what fuels my passion for Team Sweet Potatas, & I believe sharing it may somehow help another soul.

So... it's almost 24 hours before my surgery. My nerves have begun to unravel a bit. Still, I think I am doing pretty good for me. What's to fear? This surgery isn't so much about cancer as it is about the lasting effects of cancer treatment. Reality: cancer is always a concern, especially if you are a cancer survivor. Fact: God is bigger than whatever I am told when I awake. He already knows what I will hear. It will be no surprise to Him. As I was praying yesterday in church, I felt as tho' He reassured me that all will be okay. I will hold that close to my heart. He gives me strength.

In my younger years, my prayers were more like begging God that everything would be okay. As I have matured in my faith, I pray more that I will know God's presence, & I thank God that He will be with me whatever I am told. As the Anesthesiologist puts me out tomorrow morning, I will rest in Him. I expect to awake calmly & hear my news. Was the surgery done in the least invasive way as possible? Did the Dr see anything of concern? When will all of my pathology reports be available? What should I expect with my recovery (depending on how the Dr performed the surgery)?

I have prepared myself for this surgery as best I can. It is my choice, but given what I might experience if I don't do it, I have peace that I have made the best decision for my circumstances. I have stocked up on things you stock up on before surgery. I have entrusted my emotions to the Good Lord Above. Those darn emotions can get our of hand. For me, this journey isn't so much about the physical & medical aspects, it's about dealing with my emotions: fear, joy, grief, sadness, brokenness, surrender... It's about how the medical/physical aspects impact my emotions. It's a journey that for me & many other people who suffer from cancer or other illness is unending. It's about how it impacts my family, changes me, & changes my relationships. I think that's the best way for me to say it. I would appreciate input from other Survivors & people who suffer from disease. Is it the same for you?