Unopened presents.

Tears are shed today for unopened presents under the tree. These sweet gifts represent lives that will not be fully lived. They were bought for little ones, too young to know that Santa isn't real. These young lives, like the presents under the tree, will never know their purpose on this earth.

Parents will sadly put these treasures away as the Christmas season passes, not really knowing what to do. Their broken hearts will never fully mend. A part of their own heart died today. Lives forever changed. How will they go on? Only God knows...

Tragedies befall us without warning. Aftershock is painful. Sometime it never goes away. Our greatest blessings are taken away, & we are left with empty hearts that seem beyond repair. The crime was senseless, absolutely so unnecessary. Innocent little souls taken up to Heaven long before their time.

Our greatest fears become our realities. How do we cope? Knowing our little ones are safe in Heaven is our only hope, but still... we must grieve. Our grief will know no bounds. We will suffer more than we knew possible. Our broken hearts will hurt for years to come. We will cry tears even when our eyes are dry.

There is no understanding because there is no answer. Today, people were robbed of  lives that can never be replaced. They will always wonder how their babies suffered, what unbearable fear went through their little minds. Was someone there to comfort them, or were they just scared & so alone?

They never got to say good bye. They weren't even allowed to hold their little ones as their spirits left their  bodies & ascended into Heaven. Left with empty arms, unopened presents, unanswered questions, unconsolable grief, hearts that cannot be repaired, they wish they could awaken from this heinous nightmare.

God, we pray... Please comfort these hurting hearts. Let them know your presence. Help them know this life is only temporary, & one day, they will be reunited. In the meantime, you will hold these precious little souls safely in your arms until their journeys bring them back together. One day... there will be no more tears & no more suffering. That's a promise. 

Bananas & Jelly Bellies

It had been a long day. Her mood was somber, almost cross. She seemed like she had little joy left in her life. All day, I wished for a smile, maybe even a little laughter. Nothing. Very little conversation. Just existing seemed difficult.

As darkness came & the Christmas lights began to twinkle, her grand son sat down at the piano & began to play beautiful soft music. He just played what came to mind. I realized her spirits were quietly transcending to a different place. I could see a soothing effect as her facial muscles began to relax. Her head even swayed slightly as the beautiful chord progressions permeated her soul.

It was as though Heaven came down & sweet healing took place, at least for a moment. As her grand son said good night, I hugged him. What peace he had brought to her troubled mind. She headed for her bedroom to dress for bed. As I was tucking her in, she decided to come back out to the living room.

We sat on the couch & listened to classical music. Again, I noticed peace & even a little joy. Her foot began to sway with the beat. She began to come to life. We ate Jelly Bellies & shared a banana. We talked about Mozart & Beethoven. She even asked for some Rachmaninoff. She said to tell my brother she didn't get to hear Prokofiev.

Her highlight came when the Mormon Tabernacle choir sang "O Come All Ye Faithful" (her favorite of the night). As we picked out our different flavored Jelly Bellies, we laughed because we both knew we shouldn't be eating them. The banana we shared? Well... in the morning I offered her a banana, & she informed me she doesn't like bananas. Really?

Brilliance

In truth, I wanted to find a little Christmas devotion that would be be very special. I searched for a specific miracle to share only to have it shot down by Snopes. I was mortified. I didn't know a miracle could be dissed. Really?

As I began to recover from my disappointment, I started to ponder the brilliance of Christmas. Honestly, no other miracle compares. I decided I needn't look any further...

But then... the problem arose... which angle of Christmas, which beautiful lesson should I use? The  solution seemed simple, I would use them all. Next problem... my devotion was cluttered. So, I asked God for His divine guidance, & here's what He gave me...

The 3 Wise Men & the Shepherds both came to the Manger Scene by Heavenly appointment. The star in the East led the Magi. An Angel appeared to the Shepherds. So... in a very Godly fashion, the lowliest of lows & the wisest of the wise were present. Hmmnnn... this pattern is not new to us.

God sent His son for all people. Yes, the richest of the rich & the poorest of the poor & everybody in between. It matters not how others see you or how you see yourself. He came for you!

Just look at the treasured gifts the 3 Wise Men brought the Christ child. Obviously, they'd done their homework. They knew the scriptures, & with excitement they followed the star in the East. With them, they brought gold to crown a king, frankincense (that is incense for a Deity), & myrrh which was used for embalming.

Both the Shepherds & the Wise Men were overcome with joy. The Magi bowed down & worshiped Him. The lowly Shepherds spread the good news. They returned glorifying & praising God. All responded with awe. Without question, they recognized the brilliance of the moment. Do we?

Busy Busy Busy!

Today I visited a preschool. It brought back memories of my old teaching days. In fact, I felt like I fit right in. I even had the desire to be a part of the teaching team. The children were so beautiful. Their eyes sparkled. You could tell they were glad to be at school. Their teachers were dedicated. The kids greeted one another. It was sweet!

I enjoyed conversing with the lead teacher. Her program amazed me. My favorite room was the sensory room. This room had a small tent filled with colorful balls (kind of like the old McDonald's play land). It had a neat swing that allowed the kids to develop balance. There were a few preschool size trampolines & a whole host of other adventures. My favorite was the rocking boat. Reminded me of my own little Sunday School days.

We discussed the growing number of children in need of programs similar to the one I visited today. My conclusion: the family life style has changed so much that our children are suffering. It takes so much to nourish a child. Sadly, some children spend the majority of their lives being drug from one place to another.

Children need to spend time in their own home with their own parent(s). When they are little, they need to be read stories, have snuggle time, & be allowed to play. Too much fast food really isn't the answer to our busy lives. Signing them up for one more activity has its downside too. Both children & parents need time to breathe.

It seems that when children are allowed enough time to have their needs met, they feel better, are generally happier, & better behaved. I would describe it as being more centered, more secure. In the short time I was there, I was pleased to see how the children looked out for one another. The atmosphere was peaceful. What a nice place for a child to flourish!

As their school day came to a close, I could hear them singing "Ho ho... ho ho ho" to the tune of Bingo. Little faces were smiling. Their day began with a positive start. They even go to put up Christmas decorations. I don't know how their day progressed from there, but for that moment, all was right with their small world. My heart went out to both the kids & the teachers. The teachers can't fix a child, but I believe the time & love invested in the lives of these precious children is making a difference.

How do you live life with cancer?

Recently, someone asked me if I still had cancer? My answer was... I don't think so, & I hope not. But until the next test, how do I really know? That is the truth, plain & simple. Right now, I live with a daily reminder of my past year. My radiated skin is shrinking. It's been said that radiation is the gift that keeps on giving. Seems to be an understatement.

Every night, I awake about 3:30am & frequently cannot go back to sleep. My left side, the radiated side, never feels quite right. Sometimes, I imagine lymphedema. Other times, it's just discomfort, but it scares me. I worry about the tightness & wonder at the longterm effects of that frightful day when my world was forever changed. My life was turned up. side. down.

As I reenter my world, I am constantly reminded of how my life has changed. If it's not someone asking me about my cancer, it's a dear friend hugging me for dear life. If I haven't seen someone in a while,  I can tell by her hug, she is rooting for me, praying for me, cheering me along on my journey. It still takes people a little time to recognize me. After all, I have a new do.

Of course, there's the frequent flashbacks. Something will trigger a memory, & whoosh, I'm reliving the early days of my journey. Perhaps it's somebody else suffering. It might be a TV show. Christmas, of course, marks a reminder of how far I've come. Then... there's the sadness that comes when you hear of someone passing from this heinous disease. It makes my heart ache the most when I think about the family suffering as they walk this journey with their loved one.

So... how does one carry on when their physical state & their memories keep slapping them in the face? Going back to our life prior to cancer sometimes seems like the best answer. At least, that's what we would do if we could. But... of course, that is not an option, so how do we live our life from this day forward?

I think we take one day at a time. We put one foot in front of the other, & before we know it, we are moving forward. I believe it's important to take time to mentally process our journey, & yes... to even embrace it. At first, that seems ridiculous, absurd. However, as your feet move forward, & your mind looks back, you begin to see beautiful treasures with eyes you didn't have prior to this journey.

I marvel at how my life has been so richly blessed this past year. The friends I've made on this journey have enriched me beyond measure. My faith has deepened, & that's the most precious gift of all. My relationships have more meaning. Wow! I didn't know that was possible. I welcome my flashbacks because they keep me in touch with the new me.

I love to embrace this journey. God has given me an opportunity to see life from a new perspective with   a keener eyesight. I don't wish it away. Going forward takes facing my fears. Looking back gives me strength. It melts my fears & renews my faith. I love my life, & I am grateful for each day. When  fears creeps up on me, when anxiety blows in like the wind, I must consciously put myself back in the arms of my loving Father. After all, only He knows the number of my days. The rest really doesn't matter.

I'd like to change a few things about myself.

What Christmas memory will stick in your mind the most this year? Will it be a gift you gave away, or perhaps a gift you received? It might be the little program at church, or perhaps the Christmas concert at school. Maybe you'll go Christmas caroling or bake a batch of cut outs. You might get to spend much needed time with loved ones or quietly celebrate without much ado. Whatever your circumstances, a few memories will be made. Christmas tends to be a mile marker.

As I flash back through my own Christmas memoirs, I always begin on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of Santa Claus. We went to a candle light service & gathered with cousins for a fancy dinner. I never could completely enjoy myself because I was worried I wouldn't fall asleep. Santa would pass me by.

Somehow, I always fell asleep & awoke to some delightful little Christmas gifts. It was almost always a doll... Baby First Step, Mrs. Beasely, Chrissy, to name a few. I always got a new nightgown. My stocking was filled with apples & oranges, a few candy canes, & some chocolate covered cherries. I could count on that.

Christmas was magical for me. It was a time to enjoy friends & family, go Christmas caroling, maybe sledding, & ring in the New Year. I loved being free from school for a few weeks. I loved having my cousin spend the night. Playing with my new doll kept me busy for hours. Life was simple. Little things meant a lot.

Every year as Christmas passed, I was sad. I still feel that way. I want to savor every moment. Before I know it, the music will stop, the bell ringers will be gone, Santa won't be in the mall, & all that will remain of the gifts that were opened will be balled up wrapping paper & empty boxes. The weather will be chilly. The kids will go back to school. My heart will feel bare.

As we ring in the New Year, resolutions will be made. Some will be meaningless. Some foolish. A few will be sincere, but most will go by the wayside. I like to write mine down & see how I did the following year. Sometimes I don't even remember what it was. This year my goal is to reach out more to other people. I want my resolution to be of eternal significance. Yes... I'd like to lose a few pounds & change a few things about myself, but more than anything, I'd like to do something that will allow God to use me.

Just. being. honest.

Just. being. honest. There are so many things in the Bible I don't understand. Truth is, I probably never will this side of Heaven. Try as I might, it's hard to sort through much of what is written. Some of it seems so confusing, but I am sure it's just my inabilty to understand, my own shortcomings.

Just when I think I have something figured out, a curve comes my way. What seemed black & white suddenly becomes gray, & I have to question my own thinking. I try to take things in the Bible in context. I try to look at the Bible as a whole. I try to understand the stories & apply them to my life.

I try to see who the passage was written for or why it was written. What issues were being addressed? Were the words written to last through eternity or were specific problems of the time period the reason for the divine words breathed by God? How am I to know? How can I, a mere reader of the word, discern what the Bible is saying to me?

How is it that people who read the same words can have different interpretations? Why does one person discern one thing while another discerns something else? How is it that the Holy Spirit directs one person one way & the other person another way? People come to odds over these differences. People stop going to church because of these disagreements. People hurt because others see things from different points of view.

Sometimes it doesn't matter. As with most things in life, we can agree to disagree. Other times, it matters. It divides. It hurts. Sometimes we cannot overlook our different interpretations. I think the best we can do is realize that we are called to love one another. The Bible says we will be known by our love. Clearly love is the best testimony we have.