It just doesn't make sense.

Sometimes things just don't make sense. Why would a man receive a medal of valor for serving his community only to be let go just one month later? No disciplinary action is needed. The reason cited for not renewing his contract is a difference in philosophies. From what I know, this man is a good man. He is well loved by his children, his grand children, paramedics, firefighters, friends, a community, & countless others. The town is recovering from an F4 tornado, & now their beloved fire chief who says he would give his right arm to stay is being let go.

A petition is circulating online. I want to encourage people to sign it. Why? Because when people stand up for another person, it can make a difference. On a much smaller scale, I was mistreated for reasons I will never fully understand. People were not made aware of the truth because my goal was to leave with grace. I did not want to cause dissension so I left this particular community quietly. Looking back, I believe if people had known the truth, the outcome would have been different. I don't regret my decision; I felt strongly that it was not my place to stir up trouble.

Being a victim of people in powerful positions who may be overstepping their bounds is painful for both the suffering community & for the man of valor. It creates a lose/lose situation. The community loses their man of valor, & the man of valor loses that for which he gave his life. People never really know what went on behind the scene. It just doesn't make sense.

I only have my gut feeling to go by. It is not always right. But for now, it smells a rat. I am willing to risk being wrong to support this kind man who invested himself fully in a suffering community. Tornado victims are still struggling. Delays are a daily part of life. Depression is real. Children cannot safely  play in their own yards. People are hurting, and now this community has one more reason to hurt. Go figure.

a club I never wanted to join...

Life has been a bit painful lately, emotionally speaking (not so much for myself but for people who are dear to my heart). Like I've said before, once you become a Cancer Survivor, you have more Survivor friends than friends who are not. This blog goes out to my fellow Survivors…

Saturday, I had one of the most meaningful afternoons of my life. My Pink Survivor Sisters (we wrote a book together) gave a baby shower for a young woman who miraculously is about to have a baby girl. We are so happy & excited for her. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age. Her cancer even had the nerve to come back! Well… against all odds, her due date is nearing the final stretch.

So… Saturday, we gathered in her honor, to celebrate life. We all agreed. We just couldn't really come up with the right words to describe the meaningfulness behind all of this. No, words just don't do this situation justice. As we visited, God began to open my eyes (yes right before my very eyes) to see the strength, the grace, the courage we all share. He opened my eyes to realize no matter how bleak our circumstances become, there's always Hope because He is present. He affirmed my beliefs. His grace really is sufficient.

One person in particular impacted me greatly Saturday. As I imagined her journey through this life, I suddenly knew that she was just what I needed. I needed a good dose of seeing God's grace in action. Walking life through her shoes is more than anyone could bear alone. But…through her faith, she still radiates the most kind, loving, & gentle Spirit. I am in awe! She is twice a cancer survivor. She lost her daughter to cancer. That to me is unbearable. She has other hardships too, but I will just leave it here for now.

This role model has the key to life. The only way to come through such deep wounds is to hold on tight to Christ. He has never forsaken me. It's all about surrender too.What a paradox. Hold on tight & yet surrender. How does one even begin to explain what that means? With breast cancer, I was indoctrinated into a club I never wanted to join. It's a club that doesn't take life lightly.

It's a club that understands when one doesn't have the words. It's a club that pulls for you, encourages you, & gives you Hope. This particular group of Survivors also shares the bond of faith in Christ. My friend, Elizabeth, messaged  me early on in my journey. She said that Breast Cancer is a strong bond but not as strong as the bond we share in Christ. Thank you to all my fellow Survivors who are teaching me by example how to walk this walk. Words are not enough! I thank God for being a part of this precious club!

It's authenticity.

It's been a long time… Not because I haven't had the itch but because my mind has been swirling around in a storm. I've been processing life & coming to a few realizations. In my younger years, I think I defined courage as Superman. The thoughts of my favorite superhero rescuing me from my perils were enough for me. I didn't really take the time to ponder the meaning of courage much beyond my simple view.

In the last few years, courage has become a more meaningful word in my life. It's not about Superman any more (even though he remains my favorite). Nope… courage is sometimes silent. Courage is facing the truth even when it's ugly. It's letting go of our dirty little secrets. It's being accountable. It's consistency, being the same person regardless of the company we keep. Not leading a double life.

Courage is stepping into a place filled with memories (even when the flashbacks are painful) for the sake of righting a wrong. Courage is the miracle of having a baby even though you've twice been diagnosed with cancer & told it's the impossible. It's working on an Oncology floor when you yourself are a Survivor. Courage is being strong for your child who suffers.

Courage surrenders. Courage gives up the lies. It seeks the truth & faces it. Courage lives life amongst all the uncertainties & lives it abundantly. It's smiling through the pain & counting our blessings in times of deep sorrows. Sometimes courage suffers, but it suffers with grace. It's trusting that God has the whole picture & that there is eternal purpose in suffering.

Courage is holding on when things become unbearable. It's loving someone in spite of their failures. It mimics Christ. It seeks the truth. It lays down its life without guarantee. Courage asks for help. It walks through life with others. It's obedience without understanding. It's trust. It's forgiveness. It's seeing ourselves for who we really are. It's allowing God to reshape our hearts. It's vulnerability.  It's transparency. It authenticity.

We cannot see the happy ending.

I don't think I've ever felt so overwhelmed with heart ache for so many dear people all at once. Some of the despair is incomprehensible to the human heart. So many people are in desperate need of God's healing hand in their lives. I wish that children being sick was off limits. I wish it just wasn't allowed. The trauma is just too much for a child to bear & for his/her parents to watch.

When I was undergoing treatment, the worst part was watching my family suffer for me. I hated the stress my health caused them. The anguish was evident in their eyes. I felt like we were all learning a foreign language together. In fact, I felt like we were all on a boat with people who didn't speak our language. The information was above our heads. We couldn't understand or make sense of anything.

I believe I suffered from post traumatic for at least a year. Everything was surreal. Was this really me we were talking about. Were these precious tears being shed for me? How could I make this better? How could I make this go away? So overwhelmed. So helpless. So scared. I couldn't even say the words, "I have cancer" for 3 months. I couldn't talk to my best friends. I wanted to be isolated.

As I see others suffering, I find myself in despair. I've lived first hand the treasures found on this journey, yet I could never wish it on anyone. I've also lived first hand the fear, the loss, the pain. No…
I don't wish this on another soul. Once again, I feel helpless. I feel overwhelmed. I cry for them. I pray for them. This world is a sad place. It has joy & laughter, but deep down, it is full of hard ship & pain.

I understand why our world is so full of pain. I am thankful it is our temporary home. I know Heaven awaits all who believe. No more suffering. No more tears. However, it's hard to comprehend when we are hurting. We have earthly eyes, & I believe we only catch glimpses of Heaven on this earth. We are not allowed to see the whole picture. We cannot see the happy ending. We are stuck in today, & only through faith can we find the strength to face each day. Our only Hope is in the Lord.

The more I know, the less I know. The longer I live, the more heart ache I see. The more people I care for, the more I hurt. It's just the way it works. I believe the only way to find Hope is to surrender all to God. We must admit we have no control. We must admit we cannot survive on our own. We need God; we need each other.

Sad

Today, my blog comes from a sad place deep within my heart. To say I am angry at cancer is an understatement. To say I am angry that I walk this journey would be untrue. It's a strange twist. A few days ago, a dear friend died of cancer. He is a hero. He was a kind person; he persevered through more than anyone should have to endure. In the end, he passed into Heaven, & I know he is fully healed. Sadness: he leaves behind a beloved wife, a daughter, a sister, & others who already miss him dearly. Their lives forever changed.

A few days ago, another sweet soul underwent a double mastectomy. Through her, I relive my own double mastectomy (just a few short years ago). I know everyone grieves differently through this process. I pray for her throughout each day, but even though I walk this walk, I am unsure how to help. I understand each person is affected so differently. She knows I am here for her. I grieve for her. I cheer her on. I am so sad she too walks this walk. I wouldn't wish it on another soul (ever).

Last night I met with 3 of my dearest friends. 1/2 of us our Survivors. We share some common threads. I see how her treatments have worn her down. She is resilient, but she is human. It's emotionally too much for anyone. We talked about the effects of this illness on ourselves, out families, & the list continues into every facet of our lives. It is too much to bear. It is too much.

A few day ago, I met with a Survivor. I sensed she is still angry at her cancer. She has been robbed of much. It just isn't what she would choose. Who would? As I consider theses dear souls & their lives, I cannot help but notice one thing. Each of them is a kind person. None would intentionally hurt another soul. We were all caught off guard. Our lives forever changed.

I have to be honest… the changes are sobering. They invade every facet of our lives. I know my heart has been refined through this journey. My faith has deepened. My body is not the same. My anxiety has a few new issues upon which to fixate. I am forever shaken. No…I am not the same. My life will be filled with ongoing exams. I will await the results of a tumor marker test every 6 months for I don't know how long. There is no end in sight. That's just the life of a Survivor.

Yes… there is good in this. It forces me to fully surrender my life to Christ. He gives. He takes away. My days are numbered as are the days of each human being. Sometimes I dwell on  my unknowns but then I remind myself, it's all in God's hands. He is bigger than my unknowns. And so… I carry on, doing all I can to reach out to others, to share the need to eradicate this awful disease. I embrace each day (good or bad). I grieve for those who lose their loved ones. I grieve for those who walk this journey (& for those who hold their hands). It's cruel. it's heartless. It knows no bounds….

sad truth...

In all honesty, I have been wronged. In all honesty, I have wronged others (sometimes without even knowing it, but not always). My last blog talked about hurtful words. I wasn't talking about any hurt I've endured over the years. I wasn't talking about any hurt I've caused over the years. No… I was speaking of hurt endured by loved ones (dear friends who have recently been hurt).

A friend made a comment following my blog about forgiveness. I'm not pretending that forgiveness is easy. In the Bible it says we must forgive 70 X 7. Jesus talked a lot  about forgiveness (with good reason). Forgiveness is not a part of our  human nature because we have memories. I don't think we are called to forget. We are called to forgive. Without memories, forgiveness would be so much easier.

What happens if we fail to forgive? Sad truth… we allow ourselves to be held in bondage by the person who wronged us. We become bitter inside & allow the offender to rob us of our peace & joy. Sometimes forgiveness takes time. It takes prayer. It takes a  daily practice of giving the offender to God & depending on His grace for the ability to forgive. The Bible says we will be forgiven according to how we forgive others. Yikes!

So how do I forgive? First & foremost…I remind myself that God loves the offender every bit as much as He loves me. Period. Secondly, after a while, I get sick of my unforgiveness, & I tell God I want to forgive. I don't want to be held in bondage by another person for anything. I don't want to be robbed of one moment of joy. I don't want to carry an ounce of bitterness in my heart. I want peace & restoration in my relationships. If I cannot have restoration, I at least want peace within my own heart.

Sometimes, I have to apologize for my wrongs. If I am aware, I want to apologize. Sometimes I must forgive without receiving an apology. That's always the hardest. I don't consider forgiveness an option. I see it as a commandment, a part of obedience. We forgive because we have been forgiven of much. When I pause to think about Jesus dying for my sins, I want to apologize to Him. Some of my sins are mere thoughts. Sometimes they are words. Occasionally they are actions. A sin is a sin, & the only justification for it is Jesus Christ. Because He suffered & died on the cross, I am forgiven. It's that simple.

Lately...

Sometimes I get carried away & say things I regret. Sometimes, I don't listen to my filter, & something slips out; maybe I crossed the line? Then there are those times when the human side of me rears it's human head & I knowingly say something I should not have said. Always followed by remorse & regret…

Lately, I have been told & witnessed (on one occasion), people saying ugly, hurtful things to other human beings. My mouth dropped open (figuratively), & my heart hurt for the recipients of those mean words. As I stood there stunned, I wondered if the authors of those words realized how bad they made themselves look. Ouch!

The sad part is… words come from the heart. "What comes out of the mouth is what is overflows in the heart. " So… when people are mean spirited, I believe they have a heart issue. I know that sometimes the truth hurts, & our words are painful, but not to hurt, only out of love to help another person grow or to mend a relationship. Or… maybe in the name of honesty. How you say something is as important what you say.

The problem is, once these words are uttered, they cannot be taken back. Apologies can be said & meant, but sadly, the words still remain in the head & heart of the recipient. We can forgive, but we cannot forget (try as we might). So… the damage is done. The words stick, the hurt embeds itself, & all the comfort in the world cannot erase those words.

If we look to others to find our wholeness, we will always be let down. Only in Christ can we find unconditional love, regardless of what we've said or done. I cannot fathom the hurt that some of my dear friends have embedded deep within their hearts. It breaks my heart, & I wish I could erase those words. The damage is done. Only through Christ will wholeness come. I grieve for you.