Not gonna happen!

This weekend has been a very reflective weekend for me. I am saddened by the number of dear souls I know who are on this journey called "cancer." I went to see the movie last night, "Just Alice." It too caused me to reflect on the toll any disease takes on a person & its family. I am  not immune to Alzheimer's as my mother suffered deeply from that illness in her later years.

I experience memory loss due to chemo brain. My life is not at all comparable to Alice's life (the character in the movie with early onset Alzheimer's); however, I can empathize with her. But… what struck me the most was how her family hurt for her. Sometimes, they became annoyed by her issues (which was frequently followed by guilt). I found myself sobbing throughout the movie.

When I got home from the movie, I checked in with Facebook, only to find out that a dear friend's cancer has turned in to a bigger deal than how it first presented. I checked in on another friend, only to find that his cancer keeps popping up in new areas. Right now, I have a dear friend (so faithful) who is hoping to begin experimental treatment.

All of my friends who suffer are good people. One is a missionary. One is a fire fighter. One is a homemaker who is in the midst of planning a wedding for her daughter. (Yeah… I've been there). 2 others are  Homemakers. One is a poster girl for fighting colon cancer. So courageous! They ALL have deep faith. They all have given their lives to helping others & sharing the love of Christ. All except 1 is under 50. I cannot forget the child I pray for with brain cancer. He is 6.

I look at myself, & I see how cancer has attempted to ravage my life in every facet. It has attacked some of my dearest relationships. It has caused neuropathy to progress at a rapid pace. Some days I struggle to keep up with its. It has attempted to rob me of my joy. Not gonna happen! It has scared everything I cling to out of me except Christ. It has caused me to wear a sleeve I detest. It has stolen many of my memories. It has made me gain weight. It's caused me to seek counseling & physical therapy.

Cancer has hurt the ones I love the most. This aspect is rarely talked about or written about (as far as I know). Material for the Survivor is sometimes plentiful, but what about the family? This is why I sobbed through Just Alice. I could so relate to those looks of hurt & frustration in the eyes of her family. I could see how they cared for her, & what it cost them. Then, of course, there's always the fear of genetics.

So… forgive me if I write my fingertips away over the next few months as I try my hardest to raise money for my cause. I don't want to wear anybody out or become a thorn in their side. No… I just feel as though I need to be an advocate for both the Survivor & the family. Horrible things happen in life (even to the best of people). No one is immune. Please give. It could be your loved one or you sitting in this boat.

a lump in my throat

Today I registered Team Sweet Potatas for its 4th year of participation in the 30th Race for The Cure. Wow! The Race is 30 years old. My team is 4 years old. Where does time go? I walked this Race for years before I became a Survivor. I always walked it with a lump in my throat. Honestly, the whole thing unnerved me. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be a Survivor.

Suddenly, after many years of wondering what it would be like to be a Survivor, I got my answer. I became  One. That first year (as a Survivor), I didn't really know what to expect. As always, I was filled with emotion. I was surrounded by friends & family who participated just for me. They wore my  name on their back (Wife, Mom, friend…).  These were the people who not only walked with me on that special day. These were the people who walked with me figuratively, held my hand, wiped my tears, cried for me.

The love & kindness shown me by my loved ones (family & friends) has always overwhelmed me. It was months before I could say 3 little words (even to myself), "I have cancer." What began as Stage 2 ended up Stage 3. What began as chemo & a lumpectomy with radiation turned into chemo, a double mastectomy, & radiation. What immediately changed my life in the blink of an eye, has continued to effect every thread of my being.

I can say, "I had cancer." I can say I am the better for it. Yes… it still causes me anxiety. I have an upcoming appointment with my oncologist in less than 2 weeks. My chemo has caused a neurological condition I already had to progress. My relationships have changed. I have lost dear friends to this dreadful disease. I suffer with my friends who suffer. I never take a moment for granted (not even a bad one). When I hear of a young mother being diagnosed, I cry inside.

This year I will race vicariously through my fellow Survivors. My boy, Eddie (he is like a son to me) will be graduating from college on the morning of The Race; I need to witness his special day. I am so proud of him! So… I am raising the bar. I hope to raise $10,000. I live because of the research of Susan G. Komen. Team Sweet Potatas races for future Survivors, for young mamas recently diagnosed, for dear friends lost in the battle, & for those who continue to "Fight like a Girl". Please support Team Sweet Potatas as I will be present in Spirit.

If you register for Team Sweet Potatas, you will receive a t shirt, & your registration fee will go toward my cause which is truly what is important. If you just make a donation to Team Sweet Potatas, it will go toward helping me reach my lofty goal. Either way, I would be honored to have you as a part of my team. Either way, the research will continue, & who knows whose life you will impact? Only God.

from ashes to beauty...

So just a lil catch up on life… It's been happening, but I haven't been able to process it into words. I'm afraid my thoughts are jumbled in my head like spaghetti. I have been asked to speak at a conference in the Spring, so I've been giving my message much thought as I try to navigate through the last month of life.

As many of you know, I was blessed with a trip to cruise the Hawaiian Islands with a close friend of mine from college. While I was on The Road to Hana, I received word that my dear friend back home passed into the Heavenly realm (that's how I like to put it). My eyes welled up with tears as we rounded each of the 1200 curves on this beautiful journey. I was overcome by the compassion expressed toward me from the tour guide, fellow travelers, & my beautiful friend.

As she pointed out, God was caring deeply for me. I was literally in such a beautiful place, I could only picture Elizabeth in Heaven, fully healed, no more suffering, no more pain. Why my God cares enough to orchestrate such details in my life is more than I can fathom. I said good-bye to Elizabeth in my heart the Friday before I left. I told her I would see her when I returned, but somehow I knew  I'd had my special moment with her. Thank you, God.

Our first stop after I received word from my husband was a botanical garden. It was there that I took a picture to honor Elizabeth with the brightest most beautiful pink flowers I have ever seen. As we continued on The Road to Hana, I became keenly aware of our God's creativity. The black sand beaches with white foam & blue waters took my breath away.

So here's where I try to connect my thoughts… I recently ran across this quote while doing my Bible Study, "What if earth; Be but the shadow of Heaven, and things therein; Each to the other like, more than on earth is thought?"

cold truth

When you are a cancer survivor, your world changes in so many facets. I have had people tell me not to let cancer define me. It doesn't, but I cannot deny how it has changed every fiber of my being. I really don't mind if it defines me as long as that definition gives me the opportunity to help others. One of the few goods that can possibly come from cancer is giving it back to God. To me… that means letting Him use my sorrows to comfort others.

I have a multitude of friends who are my fellow survivors. Some of them are battling the vicious relentless disease even as I write this blog. I am overwhelmed with grief on their behalf. I went to lunch with 2 beautiful new friends today (both survivors). When I left, I felt like I didn't have a problem in the world. My dear friend had surgery today. She suffers, & she suffers. I cry for her. It makes me hate cancer.

I can embrace cancer on my own behalf. The changes it has wreaked on my life have not been easy, but they have made me a stronger person, a better person, & a deeper person. Never the less, when I see my friends suffer, I am angry. When I worry about it attacking my loved ones, I hate it. When I consider the fact that it could come back to haunt me, I simply give my own fears to God. But… the fear I have for others is harder to give to God. Why? I don't know.

Today has been a hard day (emotionally).  So many of my friends suffer. Some with cancer. Some with other unspeakable hardships. I am helpless to help them. I can only cover them with prayer. My sweet survivor friend gave me a very special gift last week. It was a canvas with a painting of a candle on it. When you turn on the switch, the candle flickers. I hung the canvas in my bedroom. I light the candle each night.

When I wake through the night, I see the flicker. It burns for my friends. I look at it, & I pray for each one of them throughout the night. I love my canvas. I adore the friend who gave it to me. I was with her when she bought it. She gave it to me. I will treasure it all of my days as I treasure her. I do understand suffering. I have suffered. I understand dying. I am not afraid. It just breaks my heart for the one who suffers & for those who bear it with her.

FOCUS!

Sunday morning, our under the weather pastor delivered one of his best messages. Even tho' he wasn't feeling well, he got the job done. His message was about having space in your life. Space to have intimacy in relationships, space to have a little financial cushion for emergencies, & lastly, space in managing time.

When our space decreases, out stress increases. Our intimacy in relationships decreases. He said that the underlying reason that people over schedule their lives, overspend their money… is due to one 4 letter word, FEAR. Wow! I wasn't expecting that. When he counsels people, & he asks them why they have so much going on in their lives, they alway begin their answer with…"I'm afraid..."

What are we afraid of? Missing out on something in life. That's why we spend money we don't have & over schedule our calendars. As I look back on life, I have no regret for spending time at home with my children. I found that when their lives got too busy, it was reflected in a frantic frenzy. They just liked being home.

There were times when I had to put blinders on my eyes to prevent myself from seeing what was going on in the lives of their peers. If I took too much note, I got nervous. I felt pressured to pack more into their little lives. I spent my evenings chauffeuring them around instead of creating a peaceful family life at home. If I had a do over, we'd do less, have a daily evening meal together, & I would put greater emphasis on just being a family.

It takes everything to raise a child. It takes focus. It takes money. It takes time (both quality & quantity). I believe that many children are hurting in this world because their parents are not focused on them. Busyness, technology, work, keeping up with our culture, not missing out on anything, working out & staying fit, & the list goes on...

STOP & FOCUS. Enjoy what you have. If you always want something else, you are not enjoying what you have. Stop the treadmill & just spend time with your kids. I mean focused time. Play games, listen to music, dance, watch movies together & talk about them. Do crafts, eat together, make the moments count. They are fleeting. You cannot get them back. Nurture your children. It leads to  healthy minded adults.

aftermath

What does friendship mean? A sweet young friend of mine recently asked me how to comfort another person when you've not experienced his/her tragedy. As I looked into her concerned eyes, I searched my heart & my mind for the right answer… The best I could come up with at that moment was, "Just be there."

I have been the comforter & the comforted. Truth is, there is no right or wrong. There is no "pat" answer. As a Breast Cancer Survivor & a Tornado Survivor, I realize that how the Survivor handles the situation varies greatly from person to person. Some of us are just thankful to be alive. We try to minimize our disaster. Others are angry. Some are in denial. Some are just heart broken. All of us are in post traumatic shock.

So how do you comfort another person? How do you reach out to someone when there is such an array of different responses to tragedy? Sometimes you send a card. Other times you hold a hand. You might cry real tears with your friend. You may need to give them distance. You may need to just be there. You can send flowers. You can accompany them to an appointment. You can fix a meal. You can say, "I am so sorry." You can just listen. You can pray.

Sometimes you can say or do the wrong thing. You can tell someone you fear that she won't make it. You can minimize her pain. You can ignore the elephant in the room. You can do nothing. You can deny her feelings. You can be jealous of the attention she is getting. You can fix a meal to make yourself look good. You can forget about her pain. You can make insensitive comments. You can tell her about your friend or relative that died from the same illness. You can ask too many questions. You can stay too long.

As I said, I've been on both sides. I haven't always said or done the right thing. I haven't always had words of comfort said to me. In fact, sometimes things were said that were quite disturbing. They sent my mind into overload, & it took hours or even days to get the hurt out of my head. These words sound harsh, but someone I deeply respect said them to me. "Your friend's burden doesn't need to become your burden".

I pondered her words for a long time, & then I felt released. As a Survivor, I don't want to over burden my friends. I need them desperately, but I don't want to become their burden. I don't want their lives to stop for me. No… I just need to know they care. If I have something they can help me with, I ask them. I covet their prayers.

As a friend to many Survivors, I cannot function if my friends' burdens become my own. No… I need to love them, to care for them. I need to walk with them, to hold their hand, to pray for them. I don't need to become so burdened that I cannot function. When a crisis occurs, an adjustment period takes place. Life does come to a screeching halt. But.. as the aftermath of the tragedy continues, we need to provide comfort. We need to care. But… we also need to be their for our own family.

taking it all down...

What a mixture of emotions hit people throughout the Christmas season. For some, there is much anticipation followed by disappointment. For others, little expectation & little celebration. Then there are those who are coerced into celebrating even tho' they'd rather keep it low key. There are those who suffered through terrible tragedy during the "happiest time of year." Some were grieving the loss of a loved one. A few are just thankful the season is over. And… some are sad because it is over.

Whatever your situation, just remember there is really no wrong or right. "It is what it is." It's time (for most) to take the decorations down & prepare for the cold winter (if you live in my area). I have to admit, as I took my "Christmas" down yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. My house seemed a little bigger (a little cleaner too). Knowing that rain & possible ice & snow are in the near future gave me a good feeling to get the outdoor decor inside.

My emotions are a mixture. Overall, I anticipate good. Deep in my soul, I know I really don't know what will befall my family & loved ones in 2015. I am thankful I do not have a crystal ball & no psychic powers. I am thankful it is my job to "take one day at a time." Thinking too far ahead & imagining the worst, is too much to bear. Knowing "it is what it is" & "we will deal with whatever comes our way" gives me a small bit of comfort.

I like the thoughts of moving forward, leaving behind the baggage of 2014 & years past. If you only knew, there's some heavy duty stuff. I have learned to cherish my joyful moments. I define them as the moments where sheer joy bubbles up through my soul. They are the moments that I cannot contain my smile. They are the moments where I feel so happy, & I just don't really know why. Here's the truth. They don't last.

No… something else comes along to steel my joy. It could be personal or could be the struggle of a loved one. It could be anticipated, or it could be a huge "slap in the face." I've endured a few "slaps in the face" in 2014, & I've felt unspeakable joy. So… whatever you are feeling at this moment, know that it, too, will pass. If it's sadness, please know it doesn't have to last. If it's joy, please savor it.