I cry twice as hard.

This morning I pour out my broken heart for the loss of yet another beautiful soul in this world. She was a tough one. Many times on her FB page, her friends refer to her as their "Badass" friend, girl, chic... When I first met her 6 years ago, I immediately sensed that she had a larger-than-life personality. Now, I mourn because I missed out on knowing her better. After reading the almost endless comments from all who knew & loved her, I am certain I should have been a part of her tribe (as she called it). There's so much I admired about her spirit. She was a one-of-a-kind kick-cancer-in-the-rear kind of girl.

She wasn't supposed to leave us so soon. I have said this before, but I would be remiss if I didn't say it again. The CURE didn't come soon enough for her. She needed it. Her children needed her to have it! Her husband needed it! Her parents even needed it. Why oh why do we NOT have a CURE? How many more women will die from BC before our long awaited CURE is found? How many more young children will lose their mamas? How many more spouses will become widowed? How many parents will say an untimely good-bye to their daughters, the beloved mama of their grandchildren? Since Christmas, this is the 4th woman I've known to lose her life to to BC. In just the last 3 weeks, this is the 3rd mama with young children to die.

Two years ago we were told there was a cure just around the bend. We've heard on the news that with the genome typing of cancers, we are getting closer & closer. Yes, the DNA of certain cancerous tumors can be typed. Then, the proper chemo given, & that cancer can be stopped DEAD in its tracks. RESEARCH is getting closer, so let's pour $ into RESEARCH & get this figured out. It's NOT ROCKET SCIENCE! More dollars to RESEARCH ='s LIVE'S SAVED! It will mean less suffering, fewer young children losing their mamas, fewer spouses becoming widowed too early on in their marriages, & a decrease in the # of parents who have to bear this unimaginable burden of saying good-bye to their daughters.

When cancer takes a kind soul, a compassionate soul, a spunky feisty soul, one with a heart of determination, one far too young, one which leaves young children without a mama, I think I cry twice as hard. Amy was all of these things. She had a magnetic personality, light-up-the-room kind of spirit. She included everybody in her tribe. She knew each day that her life was a gift, & she lived each day accordingly. "Dear God, Please comfort her grieving family. The emotional toll of this disease is too much for any family (for any patient) to bear. I pray that you will take this cup from us, & take it soon. I pray that I don't have to write another blog pouring out my heart & saying yet again, 'The CURE didn't come soon enough' for one more beloved friend." Amen.

PLEASE GIVE to make RESEARCH happen.

It would never be the same...

This particular week began on Sunday night, August 14, 2011 at bedtime. It turned out to be perhaps the most emotionally intense week of my life. We had just gotten in bed, the 2 of us & our beloved Black Lab, Dolly. My husband put his arm around me & said, What the heck?" I said, "What?" in a panicked voice. He told me he felt a lump. I jumped out of bed complete with electrical currents running through my body. I was quite sure it was a seam in my pajama pocket so why was I so scared? I soon realized my pajamas had no pocket. I realized I had a lump. Next I tried to convince the 2 of us that it was probably a benign cyst like our daughter had just a year earlier.

I laid my head on my pillow & felt horrified. I resolved to call the doctor in the morning. I got in with the PA. She suggested I just keep an eye on it. It felt like it was floating & was probably hormonal. I was relieved (for a moment), but that panic stricken feeling quickly returned. I told the PA I preferred to get a mammogram for my own peace of mind. Thank God I did! Just a month sooner we had been on a cruise having the time of our married life. Little did I know that those days were over. We were about to enter the most stressful years of our marriage. Just for the record, 7 months earlier, I had a mammogram that was clean.

That Monday morning as I headed to the diagnostic center, I prayed. I called my husband, & he met me there. I called my friend & asked her to pray for me. She thought I sounded shaken, so she headed there too. Meanwhile, I was by myself receiving news that would turn my world upside down. My husband was not allowed back with me. My friend arrived, & being a female, she was allowed to join me. My husband waited alone in the waiting area. The nurse went to comfort him & suggested he take me wherever I wanted to go on the way home. I was having a lump biopsy & a lymph node biopsy. I was so scared.

With each day of that week, a new word was heard. I felt as if I were hearing a foreign language. With each day, a new fear was founded. By the end of that painful & frightening week, I knew my lump was the size of a walnut. It had uneven margins. It was Her2Nu positive, Estrogen positive, & aggressive. It was Inductal Carcinoma. It was invasive. If we did nothing, I would soon lose my life. Chemo, surgery, & radiation would be necessary. I felt like throwing up. My husband had a pained look on his face which I had never seen before but would become his common expression throughout the years that followed. I knew I was in over my head, & I was in trouble. I became very vulnerable & overwhelmed. My life had changed. It would never be the same.

Common Threads

                                                      THE  SURVIVOR

survivor's guilt
Guilt
FEAR
numb
confused
broken
stunned
PTSD
heavy heart
cloud
brain fog
loss of security
gratitude
stress
new me
old me
not me
divorce
separate
break up
become stronger
closer than ever
neuropathy
tired
weary
depressed
anxious
nauseated
queazy
overwhelmed
sad
ANXIOUS
antidepressants
anxiety
isolated
alone
lonely
bald
thin
over weight
under weight
loss of appetite
light headed
unable to think
unable to read
unable to focus
insomnia
can't stay awake
fatigue
worried
can't sleep
can't shut mind off
joyful
laughter
thankful
blessed
pink
DOCTORS
MEDICINE
chemo
chemo brain
steroids
massage
side effects
symptoms
therapists
counseling
hurt
changed relationship
sick
dread
nervous
shaved
hats
wigs
tattoos
reconstruction
surgeons
fat graphs
mastectomy
liposuction
stitches
blood counts
Labs
tumor marker
scared
FAITH
support group
echocardiograms
X-rays
MRI's
PET scans
lopsided
not symmetrical
implants
expanders
flaps
skin graphs
lumpectomies
radiation
Red Devil
Tamoxifen
damaged skin
lymph nodes
metastatic
brain
liver
lungs
blood
biopsy
sleeve
lymphedema
angry
bitter
weeping
dysfunctional
determination
strong
BEAUTIFUL
grace
dignity
blame
diet
nutrition
changed
self-evaluation
self-blame
blistered skin
red skin
pain
pain meds
raw skin
shrunken skin
prosthetic
bra
braless
brittle nails
google
perseverance
bedside manor
insurance
bills
mutation
social worker
breast navigator
mammogram
sonogram
biopsy
case worker
thinning hair
prayer
new friends
bonds
melt downs
Hospice
death
will
Survivor
HOPE
Research
axillary dissection
sentinel lymph node
incision
breast sparing
nipple sparing
tweaking
DONE!
not done
remission?
prognosis
diagnosis
reoccurrence
rate of reoccurence
percent of reoccurrence
borders
margins
CURE
palpable
LUMP
itching
inflammation
Infection
rejection
PORT
CT Scan
low counts
susceptible
let down
loss of friendship
self breast exam
misunderstood
misunderstand
suicidal thoughts
new friends
surrender
fight
cry
BrCa
hereditary
children
sisters
mothers
genetics
invasive
stage
type
"What did I do wrong?"
"How could I have prevented my cancer?"
"What caused this?"
Will "it" come back?
"What will I do if..."
"Why me?"
"Why not me?"
new normal
no where near normal
not normal
family chemistry
uncertainties
The Race
forlorn
betrayed forgotten
loved
supported
cared for
nurtured
MANAGE
Radiation
changes
explaining
INTIMACY ISSUES
FRIENDS that UNDERSTAND
Insignificance
Bracca Carrier

Queen "B"

This evening, for the first time in a long time, I am writing a blog. This particular blog is for a sweet friend (gone to soon). I know some of you are thinking, "Here we go again!" Some of you are so sick of breast cancer awareness, you don't want to be aware! Some of you are so sick from breast cancer, you want to scream your disgust from a mountaintop! You've been robbed of much, & truth is, when will it end?

2 years ago, @ a Race for The Cure, a speaker told my friend that we were less than 5 years away from a cure. I took that little tidbit of information, & I've held on to it for dear life! Could we be that close to a cure, to a world without breast cancer, or is that something we can only imagine?

The Cure didn't come fast enough for my sweet friend, Bilinda Jean Kelly. I believe she went to the ER this past Christmas Eve. She had plans to begin yet another chemo, but she was fast becoming too ill to withstand the treatment. Instead of a new chemo, she went home, & Hospice became the answer to her family's prayers. She did not make it to ring in the New Year.

Her suffering came to an abrupt end after a 4 year journey filled with uncertainties, tears, fear, sadness, & an incredible amount of joy in spite of her circumstances. You see, she was loved beyond measure by her beloved husband & her adoring daughter. I know their hearts still ache with grief, but peace can reign in their hearts for 2 reasons. #1. They loved her well. #2 She had a faith that held up while the rivers of trouble kept flowing. Time after time, she received hopeless news. Time after time, her family loved her through their sorrows. She never gave up. In the end, she had no choice. It was time. Her # was called.

I wonder how many more #'s will be called before we have our Cure? Will my # be called? Will my family have to grieve for me? Will I miss out on my precious grandchildren?  Will I grieve because I know my days are numbered? I am not afraid to ask these questions. I am not afraid to die. I am afraid to leave my family & my little ones with aching grieving hearts because The Cure didn't come soon enough. We are close. Perhaps Team Sweet Potatas will be enough. Perhaps this year, the Race for The Cure will push the bar, & the Cure will come. Wouldn't you like to be a part of that!

finding beauty...

Have you heard of the Prosperity Gospel? From what I gather, it's a belief that God wants us to be happy, to prosper... It comes from a verse in the Old Testament (Jeremiah 29:11), "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare & not for evil, to give you a future & a hope." Seems simple enough. It's a belief that God wants us to have physical well being as well as wealth and/or success. So, if you buy into this, & you live life the best you know how, fully believing God is leading you, what happens when you stumble across hardships, hardships which derail your success?  Perhaps a family member becomes seriously ill, a cherished relationship fails, someone cheats you, & the list goes on... & on...

These things (called hardships & LIFE) happen everyday to people. They are earth shattering to the people who experience them. If they believe in the Prosperity Gospel, then what accounts for the closed door? I believe God does want good things for me, but I don't believe that's his chief concern. Ultimately, if I have a relationship with Him (His son), I will have something far deeper & more meaningful than health & wealth on this earth. If I believe in the Prosperity Gospel, I have set myself up for depression & possibly even disbelief in God. In John 16:33, Jesus said,"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

It's a given, TROUBLE will be a part of my life. It's just a matter of when, how much, what will it look like, how long will it last, is there an end in sight? So my question is this, "How do I find  BEAUTY in my TROUBLES?" Life keeps happening whether I like my troubles or not. They are not what I would choose, but I have a BIG choice in how I choose to face them. Do my troubles mean that God has forsaken me? No! If it weren't for Him, I wouldn't be whole. I wouldn't be thriving in a broken world filled with daily evil & so much sorrow. If I walk around believing that God wants only good for me, then how can I reconcile not just my own troubles, but the troubles of the ones I love, & the troubles of this world? I cannot just cover my eyes & pretend everything is okay. It's not. It never has been in my lifetime, & until I rest in Heaven, everything will not be okay for me. That's a truth.

So, if God wants Health & Wealth for me, but bad things still happen, how do I make sense of this? I whole heartedly believe that God cares about every detail of my life. He has shown that to me over & over. I believe that bad things happen because we live in a broken world. When I pray, I believe God hears my prayer, but His answer may not look at all how I expected it to look. That too has happened over & over in my life. I can honestly say, I have been shaped by my troubles & learned far more from them than my mountaintop highs in life. I love the mountaintops, but they are not what makes me who I am. No, it's those darned old troubles that nag at me daily that keep me close to God & make me Susie.

I believe that God is far more interested in the refining of my heart & fitting me for Heaven than He is in giving me Health & Wealth on this earth. Health & Wealth are temporary as are the things of this earthly life. The lessons learned & the beauty found in our troubles is eternal. Looking for the BEAUTY in the hardship is challenging, but it's fulfilling & far more meaningful than the things that make our life easier. If you are reading this, & you believe in the Prosperity Gospel, I mean no offense to you. It just doesn't work for me. My physical well being & total contentment will come in Heaven. Until then, I will look to God for my sustenance. Finding the Beauty is beautiful.

Many whom I deeply respect...

Today, I pick up this blog & write a few words. I know people whom I deeply respect & even admire may stumble across this post & read it. Some of them have had a great impact on my life & have helped me formulate some of my own beliefs. I realize that many of them may disagree with what I write & may even judge me. It's possible they will think I have abandoned my faith or made up my own Bible, at the very least, misinterpreted the words of the Bible. Truth is... my faith has never been deeper. My life has never been more dependent on the Lord for each hour of each day. He is the air that I breathe. Without Him, I am nothing.

As you read my words, please realize that what I write is nothing more than my words, my thoughts, on an ugly subject. I am by no means a Bible scholar. Tho' I have followed the Lord for a lifetime, I must admit that my relationship with Him is based more on my heart than my intelligence. I believe that a lifetime of following the Lord has allowed me to grasp Christ's message, but as I said, not so much in an intellectual way. That isn't to say I have no Biblical knowledge but to say that at this time in my life, I am unable to express my knowledge & articulate it in a way that would be acceptable to those who are scholarly.

I welcome the opinions of my readers but ask that you express them in a way which is respectful of me & more importantly, the people for whom this blog is written. Over the last 7 years of my life, I have experienced one trauma after another. I actually am able to thank God for my horrors. Not because I am a super human being, but because thru them God has shaped my heart for Him. In Him, I have found my wholeness, my strength, my conviction, my courage, my ability to laugh & carry on even when  my heart has been overcome with deep sadness & no reassurance of the future or what it holds. I have learned that no one is immune to anything. My story is not written the way I planned it. I am not inviting more trauma into my life. I am only thanking God for what I have thus far experienced. I am quite sure there is more to come because that is life.

As I heard about the Nashville Statement, I think my mouth dropped open. As I researched, my heart broke for the LGBT population. I could only see Christ meeting each of them at the well & embracing them. I believe in "God is Love" as is written in the Bible. Christ did not shun people, He loved them. He met them where they were & ministered to them. I do not have the insight of Christ to judge another soul, therefore I believe it is my responsibility to love each soul that comes into my life.

I am well aware of the Bible verses which were used to make the conclusions expressed by the Nashville Statement, & I am well aware of the repeating message of the Bible from Genesis thru Revelations. I don't understand each verse of the Bible, so I will just have to wait for the other side of Heaven to see the whole picture. I am okay with that. I am NOT God. I believe that the repeating theme of the Bible trumps picking apart individual verses & taking them out of context. I believe that the message which permeates throughout the whole Bible speaks so much louder than the verses picked out to shun & hurt this quite loving community of people. I believe the Bible must be looked at as a whole.

What is this message of which I speak? It is a message of, "God is Love." It is a message of God going to extreme lengths to draw each soul unto Him. It is a message of His patience with our sorry souls & His forgiveness. Christ did not walk the earth failing to love anyone whose heart was open to Him or would one day soften. Christ was all about healing the hurting. He fed them. He prayed for them. He touched them. He loved them. He died for them. His message was simple.

I have never been a believer of labels. Each soul is a human being before he/she is anything else.
Each soul is an imperfect human being. It is not my right or place to judge. I don't have the whole picture of the life of another or of God's plan. I only know we are created to love Him & to love others as ourselves. Some will say that you judge the fruits of a person, not the person, & therefore justify their judgement. I have trouble judging my own fruits let alone the fruits of another whose shoes I have not worn for a day. I shutter to call this population the LGBT population because I am so against labels. Rather, I prefer to say that they are imperfect human beings just as I am & are all  human beings. They deserve to be loved. They have souls, & I believe each human being is worthy of being used by God. They are worthy of sitting in a pew, being a part of the community we call Church, & being used by God.

Things you never knew...

The past few months have been unexpectedly beautiful. I always get a bit stressed out as the day of The Race for The Cure approaches. It took place on May 13th, so we are that much closer to next year's Race. I pressure myself to raise as much money as I can because I am passionate about research. Research, I believe is our only path to a cure for this deadly disease. I am not being overtly dramatic. This disease has taken 2 of my friends & is currently metastatic in 5 friends.

It most often seems to have no rhyme or reason. It finds a home in healthy bodies & most often in bodies that bear NO family history than do. It seems to attack the younger woman more & more, but this may just be my perspective. The younger the person, I think the more aggressive the treatment. Some forms of breast cancer are more deadly than others. Research is proving new facts every day. Susan G. Komen is connected to most of the advancements made in breast cancer  research, diagnosis, & treatment.

For the Survivor, The Race for The Cure serves as inspiration. Participating in The Race with fellow  Survivors decked out in pink tees is meaningful. The camaraderie says, "I can do this. Look at all the other Survivors who are doing this." The  support of family & friends gives the Survivor a lift which will not be felt on the medical side of this disease. When your loved one helps fund your team or shows up to walk this race with you, words cannot express how the heart is impacted.

It seems that the impact of any kindness expressed toward a Survivor is multiplied thousand fold. These kindnesses actually serve to carry the Survivor through her most vulnerable moments. I don't know quite why, but breast cancer can take a healthy person & reduce her to a raw state of vulnerability in the blink of an eye. In these most tender moments, kindness has a magical effect.

One of my magical moments came the Thursday before this year's race. A friend took his jar full of coins into Komen to support my team. For some reason, the meaning of this act of kindness put a smile on my face & across my heart that I could not hide. It made me laugh out loud because he cared this much! Even now, when I ponder this beautiful moment, I smile. Who knew?