vulnerable...

I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately. It's meaning: open to assault, capable of being attacked, susceptible to injury or disease, wide open, unprotected... This word could be used to describe a military state, one's status in society, or the condition of one's body. It seems to me a person can bring this on himself. Sometimes we are victims of vulnerability because of our social status. We can cause ourselves to be vulnerable by our actions. Lastly, it can happen through injury or disease. So many levels in which to consider the meaning of this word.  And... of course, emotionally too.

Some people believe that being vulnerable is empowering. I haven't really studied up on this, but I have a few hunches. I think with the realization that we are vulnerable comes extreme fear, at least at first. Being exposed in front of others is a tenuous place to be. Perhaps it's empowering when it's a choice. When we chose to be naked (in a sense) before others, it can be very freeing. When being vulnerable is imposed upon us, I believe it's how we react that will either empower us or cause us to fall, to shrivel up, & die.

We've all had that feeling where we wish we could crawl in a hole & die. It's usually a result of embarrassment, hurt, or fear. We've become vulnerable, & we are scared. Maybe we've just realized our vulnerability or admitted it, even though it was always there. Perhaps we avoided facing it. Pride sometimes makes a good cover up, at least temporarily. Some people seem to avoid their vulnerability to the end, & as they are on their way to prison, their crime can no longer be rationalized.

We are all vulnerable. That's the truth. A new boss can move in, & we lose our sense of respect. A new kid on the block rearranges the pecking order in the neighborhood. We are upstaged by a new talent. We become bankrupt. We make a mistake. We are diagnosed with a disease. We have a terrible accident. Our best friend trades us in for another. Our lies are uncovered. Our mate has a midlife crisis & leaves. We lose our job. We feel betrayed. Perhaps we betrayed another & have to face our own ugliness. Our body ages. Our success is fleeting. That one thing we thought we needed has left us empty.

In the last 9 months of life, I have become vulnerable in every way, & not by choice. My body is open to assault, being ravaged by cancer & its treatments (which tend to be worse than the disease itself). I've become limited in what I can do. This may only be for a season; time will tell. I haven't been able to give to others the way I love to give. In fact, just the opposite has occurred. I'v been the recipient of much kindness. Some of my relationships have suffered, while others have new depth & meaning. I feel most exposed on the radiation table. It's a daily helpless position (& a bit degrading too). I've wrestled emotionally with my fears (over & over again), & I always come back to that one thing: God has the whole picture, & I can only trust in Him. Admitting my vulnerability brings me down to the lowest rung on the ladder, or maybe even to the floor. And... for some strange reason, I find peace there, in the truth.

looking forward...

I think it's healthy to have things to look forward to in life. As a cancer patient, it helps immensely. It enables me to focus on sweet things rather than some of the difficulties I am experiencing. It truly takes my mind off my troubles. Right now, I am done with 12 radiation sessions & have 21 more to go. Will I make it? I guess that depends on my skin. It's starting to get that sunburned feeling & look. I expect it to get much worse over the next few weeks. If there is any good in this, by the time my skin blisters, the treatments will be almost done. Emotionally, I am a bit more stable than I have been.

I attribute my somewhat even keel as of late to all of the joy my friends & family have brought me. I turned 50 last week, & I think it was the most meaningful birthday I've ever had. I received some beautiful gifts, things I never expected. I had friends accompany me to my treatments which made them seem like social outings. I also received some lovely messages, phone calls, texts, & flowers. Wow! I feel spoiled.

Our patio furniture finally arrived (1 week late & needing to be assembled). So that's how our weekend went... my husband assembling our new patio furniture. At least, we are happy with it, & some warmer weather is on the way. Today, he gave me his complete blessing to plan a little trip with a dear friend. I am very excited about this. I feel like he has become my own personal make-a-wish foundation. I don't think I deserve this beautiful treatment. I wish everyone was loved like this by their mate.

I told him today that I would rather live my life with cancer being loved by him then to have a strained relationship with my husband & not have this burden of cancer. That's pretty powerful, but it's the truth. My best moments in life are with him when our stars are aligned. Being in his arms is Heaven on earth to me. So... I'll fight my fight. I'll trust in God for the outcome, & in the meantime, I will thank God for my husband & look forward to the simple joys that come each day.

My Paradox

Unexpected excitement is in the air! The Race for the Cure is only 2 weeks away. My pink shirt finally came in the mail on Wednesday. I couldn't wait to see it, to try it on. It is beautiful, a perfect shade of pink & a sweet design. It fits. I took it straight to the Sporting Goods store to have my team name put on the back. Now, it will be complete.

I can't help but marvel at how a paradox is being played out in my head & in my life. Since I was a young mother, I have participated in The Race for the Cure (almost routinely until recently). A dear friend & I  even took a group of girls & adopted grandmas many of those years. It was a little mission group at church. We always had coffee cake at the end. It was very meaningful.

The Race is always the day before Mother's Day in Peoria. My first memory of The Race was reading about it in the paper on Mother's Day. I was a very young mother. I remember reading the stories of so many of the survivors & having an overwhelming lump in my throat. Watching the news on TV & seeing all of the pink hats was too much for me. It was always hard for me to deal with my emotions on this special day. There was the year (10 years ago), I walked the race in awful weather & became terribly ill the next day (on Mother's Day). This was the onset of a disease I would have to learn to live with, but it would take 5 months to get a diagnosis.

So each each year, on this special Saturday, I would wake my 3 little girls up very early. They would put on their Race for the Cure shirt, which looked more like  night shirts on their small bodies. We would meet with our little mission group at the church, have a prayer, & off we would go to the big crowd. Having the adopted Grandmas was such a bonus. Not only did they make it more meaningful, they each took the hand of a little girl & kept her safe.

Each year, I honestly dreaded this day. Breast cancer has always been on my list of greatest fears. Seeing all of those courageous survivors, covering a wide age span, just killed me. As I've said before, especially the young mothers. It's just too much to bear, thinking of children losing their mamas. I can't reconcile this under any circumstances. I just can't. Seeing the signs on the backs of shirts stirs my heart beyond words. People typically display the name(s) of who they are remembering or honoring in their walk. Sometimes it's a first name. Sometimes it says Mommy, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Aunt .... Whatever it says, the meaning behind those few words says it all.

This year, a team gathers in my name. I'm in disbelief on more than one count. #1  I have cancer. #2  A team is gathering for me. I love that it has men on it. I don't know why, but I feel doubly honored by the men who are taking time to honor me in this way. I am also doubly honored by the men who read my blog. I don't know quite why; I just am. I am also thankful I will have my husband & my 3 daughters by my side for this event. My girl's shirts will no longer be the length of nightshirts because they have grown into caring young women. They stand by my side & walk this journey with me.

Instead of leading a group with my dear friend, a group is being formed for me. Instead of dreading it, I am so excited about it, I can hardly wait. Yes, I will probably be overcome with emotion on the morning of The Race. It will likely strike a chord in my heart so deep, I will have no words to describe the experience. My family & my friends will be with me, walking this journey together.

Why?

Yesterday I witnessed the cycle repeating itself. As I sat in my cubicle waiting for my radiation, I couldn't help but hear a woman asking my questions. The strange thing is... they were now her questions. I heard things like, "My husband & I were thinking..." She was having second thoughts about her treatment. Her plastic surgeon recommended one thing & her radiologist something different. Some of her cancer's traits were similar to mine: some were different. Her surgery was lesser, & I don't know if her lymph nodes were involved.

She was holding together better than I did. In fact, she seemed as if  her emotions were dulled. The nurse  was kindly answering her questions, also with very little emotion. It's a strange twist to hear someone else sitting in your shoes, asking your questions, going through your emotions, & navigating your journey. It's a sad feeling. It's empty because there is little you can do to help, even though you are sitting in the same place.

Before I knew it, she was whisked off for a scan. I marveled at how the cycle continues. The same questions are routinely asked by the one who's life is at stake. The people on the other side of the fence answer the questions as best they can. They don't have a crystal ball, & with all of the uncertainties, the journey will certainly have its ups & downs. They also know that they are not immune to being stricken with an illness that would turn their own world upside down. No one is.

Tonight, I finally summoned up the courage to ask my husband, "Why?" His answer, "Because God has people to reach through this journey." My response, "Really, you really think so?" In truth, he doesn't know, but that is his thought at this moment. I'm pleased with his answer. If God can touch a heart through my journey, it's worth every step (painful or not). If one soul moves closer to the doors of Heaven through my journey,  I will gladly walk it.

On the flip side, I read back over a few of my early blogs. They seem lame to me. I told my husband my next blog would be entitled "Lame" to apologize for my lameness. He just chuckled. Again, I can only trust God to use His mighty hand to touch the hearts of others. I am His, & I am honored to be used in this way, if that is truly the case.

my cheerleader

A very special package came in the mail today. My niece sent me a birthday package. Immediately, my heart was touched (before I even opened it because it was from her). She has been a part of my life since I began dating her uncle. We hit it off from the start. She was a cute little 4 year old at the time, hiding behind the bush in the front yard, too shy to meet her Uncle's girlfriend. I remember well: she had pigtails  & a personality which melted her young Uncle's heart. He would do anything for her. She looked up to him as if he were a man of the world at 15 years old.

As her uncle & I dated, she & I developed our own special relationship. He would bring her to the pool to visit me while I lifeguarded. I found her simply delightful. I was always trying to think of activities which included her. She made me feel special, & I thought she was the sweetest thing this side of Heaven. I also loved the side of my boyfriend she touched. I loved how he played with her & how much he admired this little doll.

It was only natural that when we married, she was a part of our wedding. At 12 years old, she was a sweet touch, so pretty & graceful. After we were married, I loved having her come to visit. It was she who caused me to ride one roller coaster too many & lose my title as the Roller Coaster Queen. She taught me how to make a pie crust. She shared her secrets with me, & I shared mine with her.

So today, when this very special package arrived, I was emotional the minute I saw her name in the return address. I opened it & realized she had tagged each item so I would understand its use. I am going to see her this summer on the beach, & she wants me to have everything I need. The first item that caught my eye was a beautiful Vera Bradley beach bag (of course it's one of Vera's breast cancer awareness patterns). So pretty & full of pinks. Next, I found a frame. It has Bella's name on it. My niece loved my blog called "Bendability" so she had a beautiful frame made for Bella. How touching. I also found a pretty blouse in an antique rose & cream floral pattern. She said theses were colors that looked good on me. How thoughtful! There was even a beautiful scarf. Lastly, came the gift that penetrated my heart. She scrap booked all of my blogs up through last week into a scrapbook entitled "My Journey."

It was just me & the animals at home as my eyes welled up with tears. I was so overcome with emotion, I had to sit down. This beautiful niece of mine had honored me more than I could ever have imagined. I wasn't prepared to be so deeply touched & in the privacy of my own home with nobody but me. I called her because sending her a thank you wouldn't be adequate. It was impossible to put my feelings into words. She's always been my cheerleader. When her Uncle & I got back together, she was the happiest. Now today, as I fight this fight, she lifts me up.

Dedicated to Courtenay

so inexplicably sweet...

If I didn't take a moment to blog about yesterday's happenings, I think I would disappoint myself. Yes... I turned the Big Five 0! Wow, I can't believe I am 50! My Angel of Hope (whom I've written about before) told me that she looks at birthdays in a new way now that she is a Survivor.  She thanks God because she gets to be another year older. One of my closest friends said to me twice yesterday that she is just so thankful I am here. She even said we almost lost me. In truth, I was told if I did nothing, I would have little time.

So... here I am, 50 & fighting. When I walked into Susan G. Komen the other day to register a few friends for The Race, the man asked me if I was a Survivor. I said, "I am a fighter." I don't know at what point you actually become a Survivor. I'm still undergoing treatment so I see my self as a fighter. I'm not sure I answered appropriately. I got the feeling I made no sense.

Yesterday began with my sweet friend bringing me the most delicious doughnut I've ever tasted. My dog thought so too. He jumped up on me & snatched it right off my plate. I must have been feeling pretty spunky because I grabbed it right out of his mouth & ate it. Oh my... my friend & I laughed so hard! It was the best dog gone doughnut I ever ate, & only 1/2 the calories!

My friend I blogged about on Monday, again accompanied me to radiation. When you have a friend with you, it truly takes the focus off why you are going & somewhat becomes a fun outing like going out for coffee. We are never at a loss for words! Traditionally, she takes me to Red Lobster on my actual birthday. We had so much fun, laughing & gabbing (like we always do). Of course, the cheddar biscuits were the best part.

When I got home, I finished getting ready for my lil head shaving party. My daughter's classmate from college was honoring me by having me shave his head for Saint Baldrick's, an organization that raises money to help kids fight cancer. I wish no kid ever had to fight cancer! The weather was just right. My family & friends gathered around on my back deck, as I shaved this young man's head for such a worthy cause.

As I began the task, I was a little nervous about the job I was doing. He was so relaxed & humble, he put me at ease immediately. With each stroke of the trimmer, I had flashbacks of the day my 2 daughters & one bestie shaved my head. I was scared, but the girls & my husband validated me with each stroke of the trimmer. They told me my head was cute & that  I looked so pretty. I didn't feel pretty, but I felt relief that I didn't look as bad as I expected & that they thought I was pretty.

While shaving this young man's head, I was so humbled by his humility (a quality I deeply admire), & honored that he would do this for me. I was also uplifted beyond words by the presence of my loved ones, the text messages, posts, calls, private messages, cards, & flowers I received all day. My youngest daughter couldn't make the big event. I was just saying how I missed her, & my phone rang. She & her sweet friend sang Happy Birthday to me. She also gave me 2 birthday kisses over the phone yesterday. That made my day!

We had a champagne toast, & I received a beautiful pink glass & a colorful glass plate that says, "Celebrate." As the Big Five O came to a close, I was a "good" tired. I stayed up til after midnight messing with my pictures & uploading the video of the head shaving. I kept thinking about what each person in my life means to me. Of course, mere words could never do them justice.

So... I never dreamed of getting to be 50 under my current circumstances. My life isn't perfect. In fact, I think it has an ever-present sadness, or at least a knowing that never goes away. Yet, it has a joy so deep, so inexplicably sweet, unlike any I have ever known... I've truly never felt so honored in my life.

Dedicated to Ron Wong.

Second guessing the day...

Deciding to live transparently is a challenge to say the least. It's easy to get wrapped up in the response of others & shy away. If I write a blog & don't print it immediately, I usually don't print it at all because I second guess my words. I feel as though God is leading me to share my life, but I don't really know why. I also feel the burden of not sharing anything that isn't God honoring.

And... of course, I think it's important that I share my own thoughts, not the thoughts of my loved ones. It's not my place, so I do all I can to protect their privacy & not embarrass them. I'm trying to let this transparency seep into every part of my life unless it's inappropriate. Today, my dear friend accompanied me to a full day of treatments & appointments. I invited her to sit in on my appointments & be a part of this journey.

She was privy to my height, weight, blood pressure, scars, questions, concerns... She met my oncologist & my radiology oncologist. She has so much going on in her life, I am honored she would spend the day with me, accompanying me to all my medical appointments. But now... I am second guessing the day. I am wondering what I have left to offer a friendship. I am thinking about the fun she can have with other friends, & wondering why she would even want to spend the day with me.

I feel it's important to be honest with her & share my deepest thoughts because that is the kind of friendship we have. That is what we have always done. But... now, things in my life aren't so enjoyable. I know she would give her left arm for me, the shirt off her back. However, I don't feel it's right to let her give so much.

Yes... if the shoes were reversed, I would want to be there for her. I would do all I could. I feel God has called me to write this blog & to be transparent (both in writing & in my relationships). So why do I feel guilty for sharing the deepest part of my journey with her? Sometimes, I question the very words I publish. As with the rest of my journey, I just have to trust in the calling & remain faithful (even if I don't have the whole picture).