Lonely but not Alone

If you read this blog, it may be for you, I am not sure. I believe God has laid it on my heart to write this one, so here goes...  If you know me personally or have been following my blog lately, then you know I have been struggling. I believe my state of mind has been a direct result of a combination of circumstances. As I've mentioned recently, a very dear person passed away from complications from leukemia. This makes me so angry at cancer. My sweet daughter who has cared for me over the last month, left sadly for 2 months in S. Africa. This hit me hard. My radiation wounds are healing remarkably. I decided to quit my pain medicine & did so without weaning myself off of it. Lesson learned. In the meantime, I suffered a terrible fever, cold, & an eye issue. All of which are so much better.

My body is starting to recover from its recent assaults. My mind & heart, however, are suffering a bit of anxiety. As I look back on the last month of my life (& even the last 8 months), it's truly no big surprise that I'd be suffering emotionally too. Who wouldn't be? Sometimes, even though I am surrounded by people I love, I feel alone. Even though I am seldom alone, I feel lonely. My family & friends are always a phone call away. They take time to care for me, to listen to my woes, to love me beyond words, yet sometimes I feel so frightened & alone. My husband is a caring husband (& is very near to me both physically & emotionally), so how is it that I could possibly feel alone?

Truth is... no person on this earth can meet another persons' needs. Because we are human, we will always let each other down. It might not be knowingly, but it is a given. It is inevitable. Here's what I believe God wants me to share: It's only in our aloneness, that we fully find Him. If we never bottom out & experience loneliness, we never have the opportunity to turn fully to Him. Because we are human, we will instead turn to other humans in search of comfort.

As I spent hours in radiation over the past month, my lonely soul cried out to God as He was my only source of comfort. I was in excruciating pain & mental anguish. I had to go through with the radiation. After all, my life may depend on it. I had friends & family accompany me (which helped immensely), but only I could receive my treatment. As I prayed through hours of radiation, all I could do was ask God to help me endure it & to make my suffering useful.

When I called on Him, He answered. I instantly sensed His presence, & I know without a doubt, He answered my prayer for endurance. As for making my suffering useful, I believe that is my purpose in sharing this blog. I do believe that when all is stripped away, & it's just Him & me... whether it's on the radiation table or somewhere on my emotional journey, finding Him is the deepest treasure of all.