One of my besties & I spent the day together today. It was a much needed day as we haven't been able to catch up in over a month. We were having such a nice day, sitting outside eating our lunch, when all of the sudden, my waterworks started to flow. She was asking me about my treatments & what lies ahead for me. I don't really know. I'm not sure I want to know...
I was sharing with her some of my woes, & I think telling her about my last month was too much for me to relive. I'm still tender both physically & emotionally. I did not expect to fall apart today, & doing so was not my intent. Of course, she didn't mind. She said over & over that I never need to apologize for my tears.
I told her how radiation caused me to reevaluate my situation & how hard it was for me to come to grips with the unknown. On my way home today, I decided that perhaps some of my grieving has been delayed because I saw things differently after my radiation. Also, radiation was so hard on me, I felt like part of my spirit died. I lost hope. I'm doing better, but I obviously still have a ways to go.
My youngest is in flight to South Africa. Maybe that caused me to have an emotional day. I don't know. I got to talk to her while she was between flights in Atlanta Airport. She sounded good, & we had a sweet conversation. I found it hard to hang up my phone. She humored me with a kiss over the phone. I don't know why this makes me so happy.
I was also telling my friend how every where I turn, I am reminded of my cancer. On the news this week, 5 things were listed that increase ones rate of recurrence. It's so hard to be watching the news & realizing the reporters are talking about you. I still haven't gotten used to processing news specifically about breast cancer. It's a frequent occurrence.
The best part of today was chillin with my husband. Nothing exciting, just sweet comfort. He asked me about my upcoming appointments & is taking time off to accompany me to some of them (the ones we feel his presence would be beneficial). I was touched by his willingness to rearrange his work schedule for me, & grateful too.
I'm reading a book (as I've mentioned in an earlier blog), & it's about hope. I believe the timeliness of this book in my life is orchestrated by my Heavenly Father. It's not the first time He's placed a book in my hands at just the right moment. The author writes about how God loves us enough to let us doubt Him. She even sites scripture to support her thoughts. I shall close this blog with a quote, "How can we develop courage without being afraid? How can we develop perseverance without being weary? How can we become merciful without being wronged? And how can we come to trust everything to God's steadfast love unless it seems our very lives depend on it?" (June Hunt, Hope for your Heart)
I don't know why I have cancer. I don't know why my cancer's characteristics have to be so grim. However, I am sure cancer has given me the opportunity to develop my courage. It has taught me the meaning of perseverance. I don't feel wronged; I'm just in shock. Lastly, my life does depend on trust, & I believe cancer has given me the ultimate opportunity to grow my trust in God. I don't have to know why. I do need to trust if I wish to persevere & not grow weary. I need to trust so I don't drown in my own pain & sorrow.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Lonely but not Alone
If you read this blog, it may be for you, I am not sure. I believe God has laid it on my heart to write this one, so here goes... If you know me personally or have been following my blog lately, then you know I have been struggling. I believe my state of mind has been a direct result of a combination of circumstances. As I've mentioned recently, a very dear person passed away from complications from leukemia. This makes me so angry at cancer. My sweet daughter who has cared for me over the last month, left sadly for 2 months in S. Africa. This hit me hard. My radiation wounds are healing remarkably. I decided to quit my pain medicine & did so without weaning myself off of it. Lesson learned. In the meantime, I suffered a terrible fever, cold, & an eye issue. All of which are so much better.
My body is starting to recover from its recent assaults. My mind & heart, however, are suffering a bit of anxiety. As I look back on the last month of my life (& even the last 8 months), it's truly no big surprise that I'd be suffering emotionally too. Who wouldn't be? Sometimes, even though I am surrounded by people I love, I feel alone. Even though I am seldom alone, I feel lonely. My family & friends are always a phone call away. They take time to care for me, to listen to my woes, to love me beyond words, yet sometimes I feel so frightened & alone. My husband is a caring husband (& is very near to me both physically & emotionally), so how is it that I could possibly feel alone?
Truth is... no person on this earth can meet another persons' needs. Because we are human, we will always let each other down. It might not be knowingly, but it is a given. It is inevitable. Here's what I believe God wants me to share: It's only in our aloneness, that we fully find Him. If we never bottom out & experience loneliness, we never have the opportunity to turn fully to Him. Because we are human, we will instead turn to other humans in search of comfort.
As I spent hours in radiation over the past month, my lonely soul cried out to God as He was my only source of comfort. I was in excruciating pain & mental anguish. I had to go through with the radiation. After all, my life may depend on it. I had friends & family accompany me (which helped immensely), but only I could receive my treatment. As I prayed through hours of radiation, all I could do was ask God to help me endure it & to make my suffering useful.
When I called on Him, He answered. I instantly sensed His presence, & I know without a doubt, He answered my prayer for endurance. As for making my suffering useful, I believe that is my purpose in sharing this blog. I do believe that when all is stripped away, & it's just Him & me... whether it's on the radiation table or somewhere on my emotional journey, finding Him is the deepest treasure of all.
My body is starting to recover from its recent assaults. My mind & heart, however, are suffering a bit of anxiety. As I look back on the last month of my life (& even the last 8 months), it's truly no big surprise that I'd be suffering emotionally too. Who wouldn't be? Sometimes, even though I am surrounded by people I love, I feel alone. Even though I am seldom alone, I feel lonely. My family & friends are always a phone call away. They take time to care for me, to listen to my woes, to love me beyond words, yet sometimes I feel so frightened & alone. My husband is a caring husband (& is very near to me both physically & emotionally), so how is it that I could possibly feel alone?
Truth is... no person on this earth can meet another persons' needs. Because we are human, we will always let each other down. It might not be knowingly, but it is a given. It is inevitable. Here's what I believe God wants me to share: It's only in our aloneness, that we fully find Him. If we never bottom out & experience loneliness, we never have the opportunity to turn fully to Him. Because we are human, we will instead turn to other humans in search of comfort.
As I spent hours in radiation over the past month, my lonely soul cried out to God as He was my only source of comfort. I was in excruciating pain & mental anguish. I had to go through with the radiation. After all, my life may depend on it. I had friends & family accompany me (which helped immensely), but only I could receive my treatment. As I prayed through hours of radiation, all I could do was ask God to help me endure it & to make my suffering useful.
When I called on Him, He answered. I instantly sensed His presence, & I know without a doubt, He answered my prayer for endurance. As for making my suffering useful, I believe that is my purpose in sharing this blog. I do believe that when all is stripped away, & it's just Him & me... whether it's on the radiation table or somewhere on my emotional journey, finding Him is the deepest treasure of all.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
TMI...
I have a daily conversation in my head: Should I continue blogging? Yes, it's therapeutic for me, but am I beating a dead horse, & would it be better for everyone if I just journaled privately? Selfishly, sometimes I wish I didn't "put it all out there" cause I worry about hurting others' feelings somehow or just being too open, sharing TMI. Then, unselfishly, I go back to the fact that God has convicted me to share this journey, & I just have to trust in Him & let Him use my words to touch the hearts that are meant to be touched. That's all in His hands...
I've had a rough few days, but I've learned that through the rough times come the treasures of life. So... I suppose it makes the rough times all worthwhile (but not any less painful). My most recent lesson learned is this: never go off pain medicine cold turkey. I didn't realize there was a way to do this, so I just did it (in one felt swoop). Consequence: overflowing tears, hopelessness, chills, nausea, upset stomach. Many of these symptoms I am use to because I live with them daily. However, hopelessness, is not a symptom I've ever experienced to such depth. It scared me.
Because of my other symptoms, I just thought I was still recovering from my radiation, my cold, & my sadness (my daughter leaving for S. Africa & my sweet friend passing away). On the way home from dropping off our youngest who was beginning her travels, I pretty much fell to the bottom of my barrel in every way. I really don't know how my husband deals with his pathetic wife. If he had hair on his head, I think he would have pulled it all out by now. If the shoes were reversed, & I had to watch him in the way he watches me, I would be beside myself. Being a care giver is not for the weak at heart. I don't know how I would weather the storms of seeing my loved one suffer.
Thanks to all who have continued to lift me up in prayer, especially this past month. I could actually feel your prayers on Sunday as I bottomed out & then slowly began to recover. I've also began reading a book my friend gave me, Hope for the Heart. It too is restoring my hope. Lastly, my friend took me for my treatment yesterday & pampered me as only she can do. She knew my heart was hurting, & she listened to my sadness (all day long). The best moment was when the thunder clapped while we were shopping. The power went off for a few seconds, & all kinds of things crashed to the floor on the upper level. I was about 4 feet away from my friend, & I suddenly felt like we were miles apart, separated by darkness.
I've had a rough few days, but I've learned that through the rough times come the treasures of life. So... I suppose it makes the rough times all worthwhile (but not any less painful). My most recent lesson learned is this: never go off pain medicine cold turkey. I didn't realize there was a way to do this, so I just did it (in one felt swoop). Consequence: overflowing tears, hopelessness, chills, nausea, upset stomach. Many of these symptoms I am use to because I live with them daily. However, hopelessness, is not a symptom I've ever experienced to such depth. It scared me.
Because of my other symptoms, I just thought I was still recovering from my radiation, my cold, & my sadness (my daughter leaving for S. Africa & my sweet friend passing away). On the way home from dropping off our youngest who was beginning her travels, I pretty much fell to the bottom of my barrel in every way. I really don't know how my husband deals with his pathetic wife. If he had hair on his head, I think he would have pulled it all out by now. If the shoes were reversed, & I had to watch him in the way he watches me, I would be beside myself. Being a care giver is not for the weak at heart. I don't know how I would weather the storms of seeing my loved one suffer.
Thanks to all who have continued to lift me up in prayer, especially this past month. I could actually feel your prayers on Sunday as I bottomed out & then slowly began to recover. I've also began reading a book my friend gave me, Hope for the Heart. It too is restoring my hope. Lastly, my friend took me for my treatment yesterday & pampered me as only she can do. She knew my heart was hurting, & she listened to my sadness (all day long). The best moment was when the thunder clapped while we were shopping. The power went off for a few seconds, & all kinds of things crashed to the floor on the upper level. I was about 4 feet away from my friend, & I suddenly felt like we were miles apart, separated by darkness.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
maybe I will have more hair...
I am very tired this morning, but I can't sleep. I awakened at 4:30am when the dog needed out, & I think I've been awake ever since. I've watched two I Love Lucy's & thought about my thoughts. Sounds very unproductive, probably the only alternative would have been much needed sleep. I stopped my pain medication yesterday because I think I can manage without it. However, I think my body is reacting to this change similarly to how it reacted to steroids. Not good.
The good news is I can drive again. That helps me feel a bit more independent & able to function. It's a step in returning to life. It's strange... on Friday's news, I watched a feature on The Cancer Center, truly one of my favorite places. I love The Cancer Center because its staff cares for the whole person. The strange part in seeing the news feature was realizing that even though I wasn't a part of that clip, that was me sitting in one of those chairs, receiving treatment. In fact, I will do just that tomorrow.
When I am there, I see all sorts of people with varying forms of cancer. I never know for sure what most of the patients are facing. Some certainly seem more sick than others. As I watched the news, it made me wonder what others think when they see me, & if I see myself in the same light. I think our minds play tricks on us, & we don't always see ourselves realistically. Yesterday, at a wedding, I had the same thoughts...
It takes courage for me to fight this fight, & sometimes the road is lonely, not because I'm alone, but because my feelings are not easily comforted. Yesterday as I was thinking about the courage it takes to go out in public, especially with such short hair, I then had to wonder if it took courage for my family & friends to go out in public with me. My answer was yes. Healing is evident, but it is a slow, painful process.
Finding out that a loved one died of cancer is such a reminder of life's fragile state. Not only do I grieve for this remarkable woman & her family, I also wonder what will befall me. What complications will I have from these severe treatments? I used to think that my Ulcerative Colitis was a serious condition. For me, it now pales in effect to breast cancer. Yes it robbed me of life for a few years, but eventually my quality of life was restored. I am medicated for it, & it frequently effects my daily life, but it is manageable (at least right now).
Today, my baby daughter begins her travels to Africa. I'm in awe of her, but I will miss her more than ever, after all, she's been my personal care giver for the last month. Last night she kissed me goodnight, & my already sad heart strings were stretched & pulled. I am reminded of the words my middle daughter gave me at the beginning of this journey: Heart of mine own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.
I found great comfort in these words in the early days of my journey. I think today is a good day to reclaim them. It's a hard day for me but a day I've known would arrive. I will put her in her Father's care, & pray that we will be reunited in August. I will be counting the days. Maybe I will have more hair when I meet her at the airport gate to welcome her home.Yesterday, my middle daughter unexpectedly whispered 5 of the most precious & significant words into my ear. She said: I'm glad you're my mom.
The good news is I can drive again. That helps me feel a bit more independent & able to function. It's a step in returning to life. It's strange... on Friday's news, I watched a feature on The Cancer Center, truly one of my favorite places. I love The Cancer Center because its staff cares for the whole person. The strange part in seeing the news feature was realizing that even though I wasn't a part of that clip, that was me sitting in one of those chairs, receiving treatment. In fact, I will do just that tomorrow.
When I am there, I see all sorts of people with varying forms of cancer. I never know for sure what most of the patients are facing. Some certainly seem more sick than others. As I watched the news, it made me wonder what others think when they see me, & if I see myself in the same light. I think our minds play tricks on us, & we don't always see ourselves realistically. Yesterday, at a wedding, I had the same thoughts...
It takes courage for me to fight this fight, & sometimes the road is lonely, not because I'm alone, but because my feelings are not easily comforted. Yesterday as I was thinking about the courage it takes to go out in public, especially with such short hair, I then had to wonder if it took courage for my family & friends to go out in public with me. My answer was yes. Healing is evident, but it is a slow, painful process.
Finding out that a loved one died of cancer is such a reminder of life's fragile state. Not only do I grieve for this remarkable woman & her family, I also wonder what will befall me. What complications will I have from these severe treatments? I used to think that my Ulcerative Colitis was a serious condition. For me, it now pales in effect to breast cancer. Yes it robbed me of life for a few years, but eventually my quality of life was restored. I am medicated for it, & it frequently effects my daily life, but it is manageable (at least right now).
Today, my baby daughter begins her travels to Africa. I'm in awe of her, but I will miss her more than ever, after all, she's been my personal care giver for the last month. Last night she kissed me goodnight, & my already sad heart strings were stretched & pulled. I am reminded of the words my middle daughter gave me at the beginning of this journey: Heart of mine own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.
I found great comfort in these words in the early days of my journey. I think today is a good day to reclaim them. It's a hard day for me but a day I've known would arrive. I will put her in her Father's care, & pray that we will be reunited in August. I will be counting the days. Maybe I will have more hair when I meet her at the airport gate to welcome her home.Yesterday, my middle daughter unexpectedly whispered 5 of the most precious & significant words into my ear. She said: I'm glad you're my mom.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
...the cycle of life...
The Lord gives, & the Lord takes away. It's Biblical, & it's true. Sometimes it's too sad to bear. I came home from a beautiful wedding this evening to receive news that a person dear to my heart passed away this morning from complications from leukemia. All I could do was sob. I know I take this news harder than I ever have. I know I'm in a weakened state. I knew she was sick. However, I am in shock.
I am in shock that a horrible disease with treatments worse than the illness itself has claimed another life today, the life of a beautiful woman, an angel. She is a a wife, a mother, a grandmother, & a friend. To my knowledge, she never hurt a flea. I only knew her for her kindness & her love for children. I knew her as a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother, & friend. Her family seemed to be her all; that's what mattered to her most.
When my oldest was tiny, I had no family nearby. This sweet woman, who really didn't know me, would lovingly watch my lil firecracker & entertain her with coloring & all sorts of fun. She didn't have grandchildren yet, & so she doted on my curly headed little daughter. When I'd pick my baby girl up, she'd tell me stories of the funny & cute things she did while I was away. To say she was a Godsend doesn't even begin to say how she touched my lonely life.
Today, I believe she went to Heaven, her eternal home where she will be whole. No more tears & no more suffering. No more leukemia. No more treatments. No more waiting for results. No more sickness. How she will be missed by those who loved her! I can only imagine the ache in their hearts, the lumps in their throats, their tears, & yet, their love.
She made a life out of loving them, & the love in their hearts for her surpasses the depth of any words. She made their house a home. She nurtured them. She doted on each of them. She adored them. The only beauty in this is that with each of them, she has left a part of herself which will live on in them. She made their lives beautiful, & because of her, that beauty is eternal.
a tribute to: a dear one
I am in shock that a horrible disease with treatments worse than the illness itself has claimed another life today, the life of a beautiful woman, an angel. She is a a wife, a mother, a grandmother, & a friend. To my knowledge, she never hurt a flea. I only knew her for her kindness & her love for children. I knew her as a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother, & friend. Her family seemed to be her all; that's what mattered to her most.
When my oldest was tiny, I had no family nearby. This sweet woman, who really didn't know me, would lovingly watch my lil firecracker & entertain her with coloring & all sorts of fun. She didn't have grandchildren yet, & so she doted on my curly headed little daughter. When I'd pick my baby girl up, she'd tell me stories of the funny & cute things she did while I was away. To say she was a Godsend doesn't even begin to say how she touched my lonely life.
Today, I believe she went to Heaven, her eternal home where she will be whole. No more tears & no more suffering. No more leukemia. No more treatments. No more waiting for results. No more sickness. How she will be missed by those who loved her! I can only imagine the ache in their hearts, the lumps in their throats, their tears, & yet, their love.
She made a life out of loving them, & the love in their hearts for her surpasses the depth of any words. She made their house a home. She nurtured them. She doted on each of them. She adored them. The only beauty in this is that with each of them, she has left a part of herself which will live on in them. She made their lives beautiful, & because of her, that beauty is eternal.
a tribute to: a dear one
Friday, June 1, 2012
anxiety
I wish I could shut my mind off. I wish I cold stop thinking about things that are troublesome to me. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is a reminder of my journey or a friend on a similar journey. I have other things bothering me too. I cannot get into the specifics, but suffice it to say, I'd like to have a break from the things that are wearing on me. But... who wouldn't?
I am familiar with positive ways to cope with anxiety. I believe prayer is my best defense, followed by loved ones, & a good book. I doubt that people who live with anxiety can fathom what it would be like to spend just a day without our daily companion. On the same note, I wonder if people who do not have constant anxiety, have any idea what it's like to live daily with this condition.
As I look back on my life, I think I've always had anxiety. I know it started to trouble me more as I reached my preteen years. However, I didn't even know what anxiety was back then, or that I suffered from it. I just knew I suffered. I knew I worried uncontrollably about things that didn't seem to bother other people. I knew I shook uncontrollably at times, but I never knew why. I also knew that fear sometimes paralyzed me.
As an adult, it took a crisis for me to seek help. Too bad I didn't realize help was available many years earlier. One day I became so devastated with the circumstance in my life, I couldn't function. I could only cry. It was on this day (roughly 10 years ago), I reached for the phone & called for help. My beloved doctor prescribed some medication which has added so much quality to my life.
I still have my anxiety, but medicine allows me to function & not be weighed down by everyday life. I know it's helping me immensely with the heavier concerns of my life, but lately the heavier concerns have been pretty heavy. I think my treatments have taken their toll on my tired body, & my reserves are down. I heard on TV yesterday, that drinking hot tea is healthy, not only because of it's medicinal effects, but because we tend to sit & ponder our thoughts while we drink our tea.
As I have tried to incorporate healthy habits into my life, I have been drinking more hot tea. I have also been pondering life, probably too much. I am prone to pondering & seeing how God is present in the orchestration of my life. I love discovering God's almighty hand in my life. It's late now, & I should be shutting my mind off & going to sleep, but I feel the need to ponder. I think I'll have a cup of tea...
I am familiar with positive ways to cope with anxiety. I believe prayer is my best defense, followed by loved ones, & a good book. I doubt that people who live with anxiety can fathom what it would be like to spend just a day without our daily companion. On the same note, I wonder if people who do not have constant anxiety, have any idea what it's like to live daily with this condition.
As I look back on my life, I think I've always had anxiety. I know it started to trouble me more as I reached my preteen years. However, I didn't even know what anxiety was back then, or that I suffered from it. I just knew I suffered. I knew I worried uncontrollably about things that didn't seem to bother other people. I knew I shook uncontrollably at times, but I never knew why. I also knew that fear sometimes paralyzed me.
As an adult, it took a crisis for me to seek help. Too bad I didn't realize help was available many years earlier. One day I became so devastated with the circumstance in my life, I couldn't function. I could only cry. It was on this day (roughly 10 years ago), I reached for the phone & called for help. My beloved doctor prescribed some medication which has added so much quality to my life.
I still have my anxiety, but medicine allows me to function & not be weighed down by everyday life. I know it's helping me immensely with the heavier concerns of my life, but lately the heavier concerns have been pretty heavy. I think my treatments have taken their toll on my tired body, & my reserves are down. I heard on TV yesterday, that drinking hot tea is healthy, not only because of it's medicinal effects, but because we tend to sit & ponder our thoughts while we drink our tea.
As I have tried to incorporate healthy habits into my life, I have been drinking more hot tea. I have also been pondering life, probably too much. I am prone to pondering & seeing how God is present in the orchestration of my life. I love discovering God's almighty hand in my life. It's late now, & I should be shutting my mind off & going to sleep, but I feel the need to ponder. I think I'll have a cup of tea...
rough waters
So... here I am awake in the middle of the night. A coughing spell woke me up, & now I'm wide awake with so many thoughts running through my mind. Yesterday was a good day. I spent time with a friend & just enjoyed her company immensely. I'd forgotten how exciting it is to build a new friendship. When I was a little girl, I loved making new friends. Wherever we went, my mom said I always found a friend. My family camped a lot, & I had lots of opportunities to meet nice people. Sometimes our friendships would go beyond the campground, & our families would meet up or correspond through mail. I do remember one boy, Jimmy, I had a mad crush on him. He was my square dance partner. Our families continued that friendship through root beer floats.
I don't know if it's a testimony to my age or the fact that I've been a permanent fixture on my couch, but I have spent a significant amount of time lately, reminiscing in my mind. I love to catch myself fixated on an old memory & just enjoy replaying it in my mind. Sometimes, I even make a connection to how a particular memory evolved into something meaningful later in my life or see a trait in myself years ago that God has refined or helped me develop. Our Pastor says that who we are today has everything to do with our past. I think it's important to reach back & examine little tidbits from our childhood.
I remember as a teenager what it was like to see my mom sick. Granted, she just had the stomach flu, & it was Thanksgiving. She did get better. But, I remember this terrible lump in my throat. I couldn't stand to see her suffer. I didn't know what to do with myself. She wasn't supposed to be sick (especially on Thanksgiving). It 's obvious to see where I'm going from here, & how it concerns me to see my loved ones watch me suffer. As I've said before, that's a part of this journey I'd like to erase. Fact is, I've since come to realize that through each trial, God is shaping & pruning my beautiful daughters too. I have to trust Him fully on this, especially since so much of it is out of my hands.
I was telling my friend yesterday that as a child I was very fearful. I remembered certain incidences that left permanent imprints on my heart. In fifth grade, I was stalked on a daily basis, & I believe nearly abducted. I ran as fast as I could & then turned around & ran the opposite direction all the way to school. I was petrified, & I can still feel that same fear in my beating heart today. Even as an 11 year old, I knew I was not alone. I know that now, & I am grateful God has seen fit to grow my confidence in Him. That little faith, that faith of a tiny mustard seed, has become my solid anchor through recent times of fear. It has stilled my rough waters & given me courage to face the next day. Anxiety is my daily companion. Faith is my gift. Because of my faith, I can face my anxieties.
I don't know if it's a testimony to my age or the fact that I've been a permanent fixture on my couch, but I have spent a significant amount of time lately, reminiscing in my mind. I love to catch myself fixated on an old memory & just enjoy replaying it in my mind. Sometimes, I even make a connection to how a particular memory evolved into something meaningful later in my life or see a trait in myself years ago that God has refined or helped me develop. Our Pastor says that who we are today has everything to do with our past. I think it's important to reach back & examine little tidbits from our childhood.
I remember as a teenager what it was like to see my mom sick. Granted, she just had the stomach flu, & it was Thanksgiving. She did get better. But, I remember this terrible lump in my throat. I couldn't stand to see her suffer. I didn't know what to do with myself. She wasn't supposed to be sick (especially on Thanksgiving). It 's obvious to see where I'm going from here, & how it concerns me to see my loved ones watch me suffer. As I've said before, that's a part of this journey I'd like to erase. Fact is, I've since come to realize that through each trial, God is shaping & pruning my beautiful daughters too. I have to trust Him fully on this, especially since so much of it is out of my hands.
I was telling my friend yesterday that as a child I was very fearful. I remembered certain incidences that left permanent imprints on my heart. In fifth grade, I was stalked on a daily basis, & I believe nearly abducted. I ran as fast as I could & then turned around & ran the opposite direction all the way to school. I was petrified, & I can still feel that same fear in my beating heart today. Even as an 11 year old, I knew I was not alone. I know that now, & I am grateful God has seen fit to grow my confidence in Him. That little faith, that faith of a tiny mustard seed, has become my solid anchor through recent times of fear. It has stilled my rough waters & given me courage to face the next day. Anxiety is my daily companion. Faith is my gift. Because of my faith, I can face my anxieties.
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