Confession.

I am guilty. I need to apologize to some of the people who read my blog & to some who don't. I have been convicted about words. The Daily Bible Verse this morning (Matthew 12:36-37) speaks about the importance of words & how one day, we will have to give an account for our words. The Bible says so much about words. One scripture that always sticks with me is Matthew 15:18. "What comes from the mouth proceeds from the heart & this defiles a person." I think I have defiled myself.

I've been thinking back through my year of blogging & my lifetime of words. Ouch! The good thing about facebook & blogging is the delete button. If you say something regretful, you can delete it. It's almost like you never said it. But... we all know the truth... Whether you said it or wrote it, the damage is done. And... as I used to impress upon my youth group, once you've said it, you cannot take it back. Oh how I wish I could take back some of my words that have been hurtful!

So where do we go from here? Once the stinging words have been said, you can only apologize, both to God & to the offended. True repentance, however, means you try to stop using hurtful words. Here's what concerns me about my blogging... I have used my words to discuss the impact another person has had on me (without naming him/her). I have given enough information that those who know me well can figure out who has impacted me. I believe this is wrong.

So to those, I've hurt. I am sorry. Even if it was about the hurt you caused me, I am sorry. It's time to grow up & use my words more carefully. If my blogging has been hurtful because I wrote about something dear to your heart (that wasn't my place), I am sorry. I believe God has given me so much in my life that I need to share, I just have to figure out the right way to do it. I'm sure I will continue to "mess it up."

One of my deepest concerns is this: the condition of my heart. If what comes from my mouth overflows from my heart, I think I have some heart cleaning to do. I will end with a scripture I dearly love from Psalm 51... "Create in me a clean heart, O God & renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence & take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, & renew a right spirit within me." Amen.

Life...

Where do you go in your mind when there are no simple answers & maybe no earthly answers? How do you find peace when you cannot change  your circumstances? What do you do when you cannot please another person, & hope seems so far away? How do you find joy amongst heartache?

I believe that God has created us with a wonderful capability that allows us to laugh in times of sorrow. I first discovered this ability about 19 years ago after my beloved dad passed away. My mom & I were in despair, yet we could still laugh. I remember marveling with her at this wonder. It took us both by surprise.

Rick Warren (author of A Purpose Driven Life) once wrote that he used to think that life was like a roller coaster, a journey if you will, of ups & downs. He later realized in the midst of his wife's breast cancer that life is more like a set of rail road tracks. Simultaneously on this journey called life, we have 2 tracks. One is what is going on in life that is good (our blessings), & the other is made up of our trials (our sorrows & our hardships).

So how do we learn to find joy (or at least peace) when we have areas in our life that land us on the bottom rung of our ladder?  When we feel as if life is spinning out of control, how do we find our center? For me, it helps to face my realities. Recently, I was wishing away an MRI. I don't mind undergoing most medical  tests. I'm just not a good waiter. Waiting is not part of my DNA.

One day during this time of waiting, I told my husband I'd had enough. I just wanted to be done with tests & waiting. His response... I think this is going to be a part of your life. In other words... Get used to it. Actually his words were very comforting because #1  I believe he is right. #2  I must adjust my expectations for my life. Maybe I wouldn't choose such, but since I can't change my reality, I have to work on what I can change.

I can't change the future screenings & labs I will need, but I can change my view of them & how I wait. It's not easy, but with God, I believe All things are possible. I also believe I will have plenty of opportunities to practice what I just wrote. It will not come easy for me but that is what keeps me dependent on God (which is the best place to be) whatever my circumstances.

Most of life, I cannot change. If I could, I would. Since I can't, the best I have to offer is even better than having the ability to change things. It's a Heavenly Father who works all things for His ultimate good. Every good gift is from above & all things work for good for those who love the Lord & are called according to His purpose. I can hold fast to these promises & know that even when I don't know, God does know. He has my back (even when I can't feel it).

70 X 7

This morning I feel led to write about forgiveness. I don't know exactly why this subject has been on my mind lately, but it has been interlaced through many of my thoughts. What I want to say is this... Forgiving another person is not only a gift you give that person but is a gift to yourself as well. Having been  on the receiving end of forgiveness, I can honestly testify that there is nothing sweeter than forgiveness.

Forgiving others is a choice. Yes, we are commanded to forgive (70 X 7), It's not a natural response, & sometimes it takes much work. If we could forget, it would be so much easier. I have found that sometimes I cannot forgive on my own. I need God to help me. In fact, I may be so haunted by my hurt that I have to go back to God 70 X 7 times just to say, "Lord help me. I want to forgive."

A few years ago, I felt I had been wronged to my inner most being. My heart ached. I couldn't understand what had happened, but I knew if I couldn't forget, bitterness would eat me up the rest of my life. Try as I might, I relived my hurt every day of my life over & over. I wanted to forgive, but on my own, the hurt was too deep.

Daily, when my thoughts gravitated toward my hurt, when a lump welled up in my heart, when tears filled my eyes, I relived hurtful conversations. This process went on for far too long as far as I was concerned. I just wanted escape. I wanted to forget. I wanted to walk away & never be reminded of this hurt again.

So... I went back to God again & again. I had to ask Him to forgive me of my thoughts. I asked Him to forgive me for not forgiving. I asked Him to help me forgive. My ability to forgive & heal depended on Him. I believe this is why we can't forget. If we could, we wouldn't need God's help. Forgiveness would be so much easier if we could forget!

As the New Year approaches, I think forgiveness is possibly the sweetest gift you can give yourself or another person. Forgiveness brings peace. It's God's plan. My forgiveness could never outdo His. I have received the ultimate forgiveness from Him. "Lord, help me to forgive myself & others."

Invaluable.

Today my heart was deeply touched. One of my fb friends messaged me that she had a little something for me. This friend goes back a few years, & I've always loved her. Her husband used to be my next door neighbor, & when our kids were little, he & I tag teamed in our driveways. While the kids ran circles around us, we'd laugh at their silly jokes, referee their neighborhood squabbles, & listen to their troubles.

Yes... those were the days. Little children in high heels pushing baby buggies. Artwork in the driveway made of sidewalk chalk. Lemonade stands.  Neighborhood clubs. Wading pools & sprinklers. Running barefoot from yard to yard. Those were the days! Sometimes they seem so far away, & other times, so close.

Today we brought those sweet memories to life. It was so much fun to visit the past & share some laughs. Those days weren't easy. In fact, some of them were rather stressful. After all, refereeing neighborhood squabbles wasn't really my thing, but the memories of carefree summer days, building snowmen, & always having a playmate are invaluable.

So as we reminisced today... we remembered Jennifer & Heather, Amy & David, Nikki, Beth, & Eddie, Sarah & Nick, Haley & Dustin, & yes, my 3 little daughters. Many of their friends came to mind too. We marveled at what nice young adults they've all become. Hearing about their professions, their husbands & wives, & some of their childhood traits which still remain was truly inspiring.

I couldn't help but think of some of those little squabbles & wonder how their small troubles helped them grow. I remember their beautiful young faces with fondness. I can still see them chasing each other with the hose, selling lemonade, & yelling back & forth across the street. These days were precious.

My friend brought me a special gift today. She made me a Pink Santa. I am deeply touched & honored. She & her husband also brought the gift of friendship. We visited & visited some more. As we said good-bye, my husband & I felt so refreshed. It was truly a Christmas gift that caught us by surprise. It took me back a few years to a different chapter of my life. It was a special time. Our kids were young, &  as we listened to their little troubles, made peanut butter & jelly, & scooped ice-cream into cones, we formed a bond. Today, we got to share that priceless bond.

carry on...

Stress seems to be finding me lately. I have not invited stress to sit on my shoulders, tighten my back muscles, cause me sleepless nights, a run down feeling, & inner turmoil. No... stress is an unwelcomed part of life. It seems to be "dogging" a lot of people during this Christmas season. I know I am not the only one feeling it.

Last night when I went to bed, my husband told me to focus on the dog. I chuckled to myself but decided to take his advice. After all "Otis" had just had his Christmas bath & was snuggled up next to me. I put my hand on his soft head & let him comfort me. As I stroked his soft ears, I began to relax & drift off into a calm sleep.

I have found that time spent with loving people also helps refresh my spirit. Laughter is the best medicine. Just knowing someone cares helps immensely. Having something to look forward to seems to take my focus off unpleasant thoughts. Of course, music is a wonderful reliever of stress. Sometimes, a scripture will come to mind which soothes my weary soul...

"Cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you" is one of my favorites. Knowing I can lay my burdens down at the feet of Jesus at anytime is a gift from God. When things are out of my control, prayer offers me comfort. It is both the least & the most I can do. It's the least because it's the easiest thing to do. It's also the first action I should take. It's the most because God has the whole picture & can miraculously touch his healing hand upon any situation or soul.

Sometimes just carrying on is the only option. Knowing that we don't carry on alone brings peace. God's presence is the most I can hope for & is better than any outcome. So when things are out of my reach, when there is nothing I can do to change a situation, I must rest in Him. Once I realize this, I always feel better.

It doesn't matter that it's Christmastime.

To say the least, it's been a rough couple of days... I don't want to forget the tragedy at Newtown, CT. It just makes my heart so downtrodden. It seems like this season brings out the best & the worst in people. As I continue to read articles & see news coverage, I learn new things that take my breath away.

This evening I read a report about a man that met 6 kids at the end of his driveway. They told him they couldn't go back to school, their teacher was dead. I just cannot wrap my head around 6 & 7 year old children running past their slaughtered teacher, running for their lives. I cannot fathom the toll this will take on their young lives. What will the lasting effects be? How will this evil manifest itself in their lives?

Today I was at the mall. I thought a woman was finished with the cell phone man, & I asked a simple question. He & I began to banter back & forth about his phone cases. The woman who stood there smiling peacefully, turned to us & said she was leaving. The young man apologized saying he didn't realize she wasn't finished. I apologized for intruding on her purchase. She walked away in disgust. The damage was done.

I'm finding myself a bit more hesitant about life. After all, who knows when someone's rage will turn into a rampage? I don't have a crystal ball to foresee how my words & actions may effect another person. I try to be kind.  I'm finding myself causing grief without even knowing it. I hate that.

I realize there is no way for me to second-guess how a person will take what I say to them. I don't know where a perfect stranger is coming from or what he/she's been through today. I don't know what makes people react the way they do. But today... I have been taken aback. Not only by the disturbed young man that took 20 young lives but by others too.

There's so much in this world I cannot comprehend. I feel short sighted. People are hurtful on so many levels. Sometimes trouble comes your way, & you did nothing to bring it on. After all, most people do not seek out trouble. So... there you are, suddenly thrown in the thick of things, having to deal with life. No... you didn't ask for it. That doesn't matter. It's yours to behold, & dealing with it is your only viable option.

It doesn't matter that it's Christmastime. It doesn't matter that you meant no harm. It doesn't matter...

sweetly & forever...

As a beautiful blonde hair blue eyed little girl seemingly prematurely went home to be with Jesus, a hero came forth. His name is Robbie Parker. He is her Daddy. A hero is a person who in the midst of an unspeakable crisis reaches out to others. As he spoke, his body trembled. He is still visibly shaken. Yet, even as he is still absorbing his own tragedy, he has chosen (with tears) to speak.

He adored his little girl. He was so proud of her because she was always reaching out to encourage others. She always carried her pencils & markers, so she could make someone a card at a moment's notice. Wow! Extraordinary for 6 years old.

Her Daddy said her caring spirit didn't come from his or his wife's parenting. No, it was how her Heavenly Father gifted her. Wow! Extraordinary for a Daddy who just lost his precious baby girl to a violent inexpressible death.

He says he is not mad. In fact, he wishes to reach out to other hurting families & to the family of the sick young man who committed this heinous crime.  Again I say, "Wow!" This 30 year old man said that he is empowered by helping others. He knows it will be the best way for his own healing to take place.

He sees his little girl's 6 years of life as a gift from his Father in Heaven. He said her life impacted others. She was a blessing, & he was blessed by her. My heart goes out to Robbie Parker. He wants his legacy to be that of a loving Daddy. His sweet baby girl had 2 little sisters who will deeply miss their big sister. She mentored them. They looked up to her. The 3 of them were very close.

So as Emilie Parker's little body is laid to rest, a hole is left in the hearts of her sweet family. Her photo catches your eye. She could have been a model. Her blue eyes sparkled. Her blonde hair was striking. Her radiant smile leaves a lasting impression. She melts your heart. Her Daddy's words melt your heart. A hero comes forth as his beautiful baby rests sweetly & forever in the loving arms of Jesus.