Just a big ol' bag of worries...

Tonight is a special night. It's a night to remember. It's a meaningful night. It's Pray for The Cure. When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, there were so many uncertainties, & really, there still are. For some reason, I was denied a PET scan by our insurance. The hospital refused to let us pay for it out of our own pocket or with the help of friends & family. Nope, no PET scan for me.

Here's the truth. We didn't have time to fight it. My cancer was so aggressive, treatment began a week after my diagnosis. That would be chemo therapy, followed by radical surgery, & finally radiation which left me looking like I had been grilled. Needless to say, I have spent the last almost 3 years processing all of this. Since I was denied a PET scan, I never got an accurate diagnosis.

What I soon began to realize is this: an accurate diagnosis would have been too much for me to handle at that time in my life. About 6 mosnth down the road, my radiologist told me that statistically speaking, my case was probably much worse than I knew. Why? No PET scan. It was likely in more than 1 lymph node, but because I had my chemo before surgery, we will never know.

Unbeknownst to this kind man, I left his office that day in tears. Wow! It was as if I had been diagnosed for the first time. I had a lump in my throat so big, I couldn't speak. I had to reckon with the fact that it was worse than I knew, & I would never know how bad it was. So what is my prognosis? I really don't know.

As my mind began to settle, I began to realize that it was okay. It was okay if I never knew my reality because I rest in the mighty palm of God's hand. Yesterday is as close as tomorrow for Him. He has numbered my days, & only He knows that number. He is not caught off guard by any of this. I was. God is bigger than my unknown lymph node count. He is bigger than my unknown prognosis. He is bigger than all of my issues & worries combined & multiplied to infinity.

I rest in Him. He never forsakes me, & He takes time to whisper sweet words in my ear with His Still Small Voice. Without Him, I am nothing, just a big ol' bag of worries. With Him, I live joyfully & gratefully every day of my life. Without Him, I cannot breathe. He gives, & He takes away. I surrender all. Pray for The Cure is sacred. We survivors put our prayers together & acknowledge that He is in control.

What does that mean? Whatever our circumstances, He has our backs. We may not receive the news for which we hoped, but He is not surprised by any news we receive. "God makes everything beautiful in its time." His time may not be my time. His idea of beauty certainly can be different than mine. Although, I know we both love flowers, oceans, &  baby blue eyes. However, what I think (& this is just my opinion) is this...

I think what God loves most is a soft heart that trusts in Him when it is scared. He loves a heart that puts its faith in Him in spite of the unknowns. He loves when we know that He is bigger than our trials. He loves when we rest in Him. I rest only in Him.