Today's blog is for myself. If you don't want to be bothered with my self-centeredness, I would not advise reading any further... I am not proud of myself for how I feel, but I want to be honest because it helps me heal, & hopefully, it will touch somebody else on a similar walk. Also, I believe God honors honesty.
I have a new motto: "It's ALL part of the journey." That is the journey of cancer. If you've been following my blog, you know that lately I have felt life within me that is refreshing. Today, I am deflated. I went to meet my radiation oncologist. He is kind & compassionate. As seems to be the norm, his words didn't exactly match up with what I'v already been told. This gap isn't significant in saving my life, just in understanding my treatment.
By the time I left his office, I'd been marked 1/3 of the way up my neck. I'd been hit with the specifics of my case which haven't gotten any prettier. It doesn't seem surreal anymore; it just seems awful. Hearing the details of my diagnosis is sometimes not bearable. Tomorrow, I will be simulated. Yes, that's a new word for me. I will be marked (tattooed), measured, & such, so I can begin my course of treatment next week, 5 days/week, for 6 weeks.
My case is complicated, he said. I don't really know what makes it so. Radiation will improve my cure rate 10%, he explained. I assured him that I am willing to do straight up whatever will give me the greatest success rate. I held my self together as I endured his words & his markings. I only felt my eyes well up once with tears. Not bad considering what was going on inside my head. Watching my husband process this information only assured me that I was not overreacting. The look in his eyes told me he was hurting. He said the look in the doctor's eyes was unlike any experience he's yet to behold on this journey.
I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to point out today's treasures. After all, that's really what this journey is about. #1 My dear friend kept me company this morning. #2 My other dear friend cried for me. #3 My new friend who is also on this journey comforted me. #4 My husband was with me. #5 The doctor cared. #6 My surgeon's nurse called me today because I'd been on her mind. #7 I didn't have to decide my cat's future today (more blood work is needed). #8 My youngest daughter distracted me.
#9 My torn nail was glued. #10 We are planning a summer vacation!
Susie, I can relate to that questioning feeling of what's next. It's certainly scary. Just remember that you have Jesus with you ALWAYS! He will walk with you or even carry you on your journey. I love that you listed your treasures. Even when we feel miserable, it's good for us to try to come up with something positive, as your treasures. I know you have 6 weeks of radiation coming up. I have no idea what that will be like, but Jeff and I are praying for you and your family. Let me know if you need anything. Love you - Sydni
ReplyDeleteThere is, I believe, a thought among we who call Jesus, Lord and Savior, that we are to avoid thoughts of self, especially our condition, our wants, needs, and dreams, placing our thoughts alone on Him, leaving our thoughts of self internal. What draws me to your blog is the transparency with which you share your struggle in all its facets. You see, what you have done and continue to do is glorify the God who created you by allowing the Body of Christ into your life in a way that brings forward the heart of Christ that dwells within us all. Naturally, this will and must include thoughts of self.
ReplyDeleteAnother belief held by perhaps all that call Jesus, Lord and Savior, is that we are to have only positive feelings, feelings of joy and happiness, fullfillment in Christ, and hope in every moment of our day. As a chaplain I have encountered this almost daily. What I tell those who Christ places in my path is this: God gave us the capacity for every feeling we will every have and the faculties to express them aloud. Believing this, I see our expressions of dissapointment, sorrow, struggle and pain as being equal to those of jubilation, joy, and praise. They all serve to express the innermost self, that which God created uniquely in each of us.
When Diana and I returned from a difficult trip to Africa some years back, we were hurt, angry, unsettled, and hopeless. Surely we had fallen from our right relationship with Jesus, or so we thought. A brother in Christ set us straight. He told us, "What you have seen and experienced is the crucified Christ in the suffering of the people there. Rejoice that you have seen the other side of Easter, the Good Friday which had to come first."
Wow, I am rambling, so let me simply say, know that Christ is in and with you both in all things at all times and perhaps there is no better shoulder ever offered to humanity on which to cry out.
May God bless you and keep you, may He make His face to turn towards you. May He make His light to shine upon you and bring you peace.
Dan
Thanks, Dan. I needed to hear your words.They bring tears to my eyes.
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