Today, I write for my oldest daughter. She's been on my mind lately. Don't know why but memories of her childhood keep running through my head. I was 23 when she was born & somewhat newly married, only 16 months. We were not the same people then that we are now. I regret that I didn't seek help when she was young. I did the best I knew, but fear kept me from getting sound advice.
Her temperament was a challenge, & I was clueless. With fairy tale eyes, I had the expectation that if I was a calm, gentle mother, if I explained things to her, life would be peaceful. How wrong I was... she had a mind of her own. Some would call her a strong willed child. When she was 20, we both found out we had ADD. I was shocked, but looking back, things began to make sense.
She was an adorable child. She had beautiful curly hair, & at 2, she called herself a wild woman. She excelled verbally & had a flare for creativity. Her cuteness quotient was over the top (if I do say so myself). Sad for her, I think she inherited my anxiety with a few other quirks to boot. Why is it we manage to pass on the things that we least like about ourselves?
When she was little, I never knew what would come out of her mouth. There was the family dinner where she blurted out a few choice words. I thought I would die. Then there was the time my elderly aunt made the mistake of calling her "Darlin'." My little curly headed toddler lost it. My aunt just stood there looking appalled.
Furthermore, I never knew what she would do... At 2, she conked me between the eyes with a cup so hard I couldn't see straight. Why? Because she didn't want to go home. One day at the pool, she hurled a bucket & hit a sun bathing woman on the behind.Why? Because she didn't want to go home.
One time, our small town church was having a revival. She & I were in the back pew. I was drawing a picture of our little dog, trying hard to entertain her. Sadly, I messed up the whiskers. The whole congregation turned around as she shrieked in horror of my drawing skills. You would have thought the second coming of Christ was upon us.
What am I most grateful for about my first born? Definitely the things she has taught me: the empathy she has given me for others, the hope she defines for children with ADD, the joy she has brought me every day of my life. Her sense of humor & her smile light up the atmosphere, not just the room. The gleam in her eye makes you wonder what's up her sleeve. Her emotions are refreshing because she doesn't hide them from me.
However, as a young adult, I am most touched by the love & respect she gives me. As a teen, she loved showing her friends how she could carry me across the room. She's always loved to tease me & call me silly names. Funny how I would despise those names at first & end up responding affectionately to them with time.
In the last 7 months, my beloved first born has showered me with a love that is indescribable. I share my deepest fears & hurts with her; she responds with utter sorrow. She never makes me feel bad for who I am. When I am down, she comes to see me. She does whatever I ask of her, even if it seems needless. When I cry, she cries. When I laugh, she laughs.
As I remember her childhood, I beg forgiveness for the mistakes I made. She simply says it doesn't matter. I forgot to mention, she has a high forgiveness quotient too. I thank God that through her ups & downs in life, she has maintained her heartfelt smile, the sparkle in her eye, & the ability to light up my world!
Dedicated to: Jamie
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