The Cost of a BOOB

Yesterday, my husband & I sat with my Plastic Surgeon. It wasn't what I expected. It was a consultation on my radiated breast. I usually refer to it as "the bad one." It's the one that "tried to kill me." What to do? Oh... what to do? I have options, I'm complicated. I have a neuromuscular disease which makes the surgery of choice questionable. It would reduce the strength of my latissimus muscle by 15%. My muscle strength is already decreased. What would this look like? How would it play out?

My radiated breast has a condition called capsular contracture. The tissue around the implant has hardened because of radiation. The skin is all but destroyed. This has caused discomfort, pain at times, cosmetic issues, & just plain ugliness. Needless to say, as is the case for many breast cancer survivors, my reconstruction did not turn out quite right. I vaguely remember my Oncology Radiologist telling me something like this could happen. I just didn't "get" it at the time.

Now I "get" it. It's become my plight. So, what is the cost of my boob? So far it's been an initial surgery which took place immediately following my double mastectomy. Over the next few years, 4 surgeries followed completing my reconstruction & tweaking it. Nipples were created. My left side became infected, & that nipple shriveled up & died. Now I'm left with only one nipple. I don't like that. I wanted symmetry.

Due to the hardening of my left breast caused by ever tightening skin which is all speckled & red from radiation & tissue which is inflamed from radiation, I have what I call a "torpedo". It doesn't seem like a breast. It doesn't feel like a breast. It bothers me. It's like wth? How did this happen? I'd like to say nobody ever told me this was a possible outcome of all of my reconstructive surgeries; however my radiologist mentioned something. It just made no sense to me.

So what am I to do? I could have a surgery which will fix the problem with minimal recovery. Problem is, my risk of infection is increased 50% because of radiation. If this surgery fails, then I wait 3 months & have surgery #2 which might cause me muscle problems because of my already decreased muscle strength. Is this even sensible? There are 2 more options...

I can do nothing & let the progression continue. Just see how it plays out. I could "go flat." That would be a permanent fix. But, oh my, am I ready for that fix? What would I do with the good boob. Would I leave it & be one sided? I'm already lopsided, & have only one nipple, but only one boob? I know women who have chosen this. But me, I like symmetry. Would I rather have none than one? It's almost too much to consider. Even tho' I look at photos of women who have chosen each of my options, I just can't picture them on me?

There's always a trade off, always a risk, always a cost. No one truly knows the cost of a boob until she has breast cancer. The surgeon loves to do surgery. He's ready to give it a try. But... he's not the one who lives with the ever changing results. He's kind. He cares. He walks through the whole picture with me. But... he makes it look hopeful. However, I've been disappointed so many times because my reconstruction didn't quite turn out.

Some would say what I have is better than nothing. Is it?

Relentless

Yes, believe it or NOT, a year has gone by, & it's time to launch Team Sweet Potatas for its 8th walk. WOW! But, this year instead of Race for The Cure, it has a whole new name, More than Pink! Don't be fooled by its new name. Yes, we Survivors are more than pink, but the cause is still the same. If you take a moment to look beneath the color of the ribbon, you will see much of what you saw last year, the year before, & the year before that. You will see a cry for help, a need for research, suffering, death, anguish, love, strength, courage, beauty, & most of all, HOPE.

You will see what your dollars have done, & you will see a need that continues to explode. You may ask, how can this be, & I will simply answer IDK! If you take a moment to look at the Susan G. Komen website, you will be amazed. Progress has occurred, & we are on the brink of a cure. But... how many more souls will suffer & die before we find that cure? As I write, so many of my friends are suffering. You may have seen the commercial for a treatment for Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. It calls Metastatic Breast Cancer relentless.

To tell you the truth, Breast Cancer doesn't have to be Metastatic to be relentless. It can become relentless on its way to Stage 4 or even at a lesser stage. Ever hear the saying, "The treatment is worse than the disease?" I'd have to say it's a toss-up. I am alive because of the research specifically done by Susan G. Komen. I have 5 beautiful grandchildren that have been born since my diagnosis. Wow! So much to bask in & for which to be thankful! However, even for me, it is relentless. It never goes away. I am not Stage 4, Metastatic, but I am forever impacted & never allowed to go back to that day before my lump was discovered.

In truth, I put on my best face. My face is genuine because my joy radiates from within my heart. My joy comes from knowing that whatever befalls me, I have a Lord & Savior who will always be with me. I am never alone, even when I feel alone. When I am scared, I focus on that fact. When my anxiety peaks, I go back to that fact. When I feel sad, I remember from whence my joy comes, & tell myself to refocus. When I don't feel well, I force myself to rest. When I am dealt another blow, I recover because I have Christ, friends, & family who love me, & 5 little smiling faces that steal my heart & make my life worth living. I talk to God a lot. He is my compass. I cry out to Him, & he hears me. He comforts me & gives me strength. Without Him, I am nothing.

So another year... I know you're sick of it! Maybe you have a different cancer, & you wonder why. "Why so much attention to Breast Cancer?" Maybe you are tired of pink. Maybe you don't want to see one more relentless pink ribbon, or maybe you don't ever want to own that pink ribbon or see your wife, sister, daughter, mother, friend or loved one owning it. That's part of the answer, the why.
The other part of the why involves the now. So many suffer now & need a cure. Please don't turn your heart away from relentless. Relentless is exhausting to all of us. Please help!