The Cost of a BOOB

Yesterday, my husband & I sat with my Plastic Surgeon. It wasn't what I expected. It was a consultation on my radiated breast. I usually refer to it as "the bad one." It's the one that "tried to kill me." What to do? Oh... what to do? I have options, I'm complicated. I have a neuromuscular disease which makes the surgery of choice questionable. It would reduce the strength of my latissimus muscle by 15%. My muscle strength is already decreased. What would this look like? How would it play out?

My radiated breast has a condition called capsular contracture. The tissue around the implant has hardened because of radiation. The skin is all but destroyed. This has caused discomfort, pain at times, cosmetic issues, & just plain ugliness. Needless to say, as is the case for many breast cancer survivors, my reconstruction did not turn out quite right. I vaguely remember my Oncology Radiologist telling me something like this could happen. I just didn't "get" it at the time.

Now I "get" it. It's become my plight. So, what is the cost of my boob? So far it's been an initial surgery which took place immediately following my double mastectomy. Over the next few years, 4 surgeries followed completing my reconstruction & tweaking it. Nipples were created. My left side became infected, & that nipple shriveled up & died. Now I'm left with only one nipple. I don't like that. I wanted symmetry.

Due to the hardening of my left breast caused by ever tightening skin which is all speckled & red from radiation & tissue which is inflamed from radiation, I have what I call a "torpedo". It doesn't seem like a breast. It doesn't feel like a breast. It bothers me. It's like wth? How did this happen? I'd like to say nobody ever told me this was a possible outcome of all of my reconstructive surgeries; however my radiologist mentioned something. It just made no sense to me.

So what am I to do? I could have a surgery which will fix the problem with minimal recovery. Problem is, my risk of infection is increased 50% because of radiation. If this surgery fails, then I wait 3 months & have surgery #2 which might cause me muscle problems because of my already decreased muscle strength. Is this even sensible? There are 2 more options...

I can do nothing & let the progression continue. Just see how it plays out. I could "go flat." That would be a permanent fix. But, oh my, am I ready for that fix? What would I do with the good boob. Would I leave it & be one sided? I'm already lopsided, & have only one nipple, but only one boob? I know women who have chosen this. But me, I like symmetry. Would I rather have none than one? It's almost too much to consider. Even tho' I look at photos of women who have chosen each of my options, I just can't picture them on me?

There's always a trade off, always a risk, always a cost. No one truly knows the cost of a boob until she has breast cancer. The surgeon loves to do surgery. He's ready to give it a try. But... he's not the one who lives with the ever changing results. He's kind. He cares. He walks through the whole picture with me. But... he makes it look hopeful. However, I've been disappointed so many times because my reconstruction didn't quite turn out.

Some would say what I have is better than nothing. Is it?