Her secret...

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping... Lately, when this happens, my mind seems to fixate on my mom. I usually end up reminiscing in my head about the last week of her life. There are so many ironies. Realities were different from expectations (at least mine). Occasionally, life throws us a curve, the unexpected turns out to be better than we ever imagined...

I realize it's strange to say this, but I think my mom was joyful in her dying. I know that sounds crazy, but I cannot explain the love we shared in her last days. WE have always been close, but I never felt as close to her as I did next to her hospital bed. I feel as though she kept giving to me to the very end. I don't think this is normal, & I feel incredibly blessed.

As I witnessed her dear friends & family come & go, I sat in amazement, totally mesmerized by her love. I felt like she had a secret, something truly treasured, that she was sharing with me. So... when I lay awake at night, my mind pauses on this secret, trying to embrace it in its fullness. I feel as though, I got bits & pieces of it. I got enough to understand, & that's really all I need.

Her secret was about love. It was about a life well lived. It was about eternity. Somehow this all came together in that last week & even at her funeral. Her capacity to love others was amazing. The love she gave me cannot even be put into words. And even in her dying, she gave & gave & gave. I have never seen anything like it. As I sat by her bedside, peace radiated from her to me.

I felt as though eternity was at her fingertips. I fully believe God's grace allowed her to take her time in dying. I think she was enjoying her family. I think she lingered longer on this earth than she had to, but I think it was because of her love for her family. In her dying, she was showing us a peace that surpassed our understanding.

I have this strong sense that the healing of her mind began early on in that week. Given to anxiety her whole life, the peace, love, & even joy she displayed in her last days gave me strength to last a lifetime. I believe this earth is only our temporary home. She affirmed that. She smile & smiled & smiled. She couldn't open her eyes, but she could smile. I just can't make any common sense out of this.

So... as I lay awake at night, & I ponder her secret, I can only be grateful. I miss her, but I feel as though she gave so much to me. My cup overflows. I think she loved me enough to last a life time, that is my life time. I hope I can share her secret with the people God places in my path. I have a treasure more precious than gold.