It feels like forever...

It's strange how our feelings come & go. News and lack of news ignite different feelings. Hanging in limbo never feels good. Sometimes we are numb, sometimes crabby, & sometimes we laugh. We know nothing more than we knew 2 weeks ago. In the blink of an eye, our home was destroyed. We know that. Neighborhoods were devastated, & they don't look much better 2 weeks later. The look of death & destruction are all we see when we drive through our neighborhood. Going back is no less painful.

The surrounding communities are kind. We run into people who couldn't be more caring. Many of my friends are in a very similar predicament. Their feelings seem identical to mine. Shock still reigns. Numbness isn't too uncommon. Depression is seeping in. When little things go wrong, it crumbles what little reserves we have. Rebuilding will be painstaking. It will take time, waiting, & more waiting.

But then there are the things that arouse a smile, a giggle, & even a hearty laugh. Yes... it feels so good to laugh. A hug is always welcome. It's strange how we find ourselves intermittently spacing out. Sometimes we are unable to answer a simple question, or we miss a turn & wonder why. Despite the beautiful music & the twinkly lights, it doesn't really feel like Christmas (at least not to me). We sleep less soundly than we once slept. I find myself waking throughout the night & lying awake for hours.

We count our blessings. I know my prayers are answered even before I voice them. I do not feel alone. I do not feel forsaken. My every need is met, yet I feel brokenhearted. I worry about my husband. I worry about all of the stress on him. As I go about my Christmas shopping, I wonder if I am kidding myself. Is it really Christmas (the most magical time of year)? Should I be buying presents when my house is in shambles? But then I remember, there is nothing to do right now. Just wait.

We think about our future. We have to let the dust settle before we make our big decisions. But wait, will the dust settle? Will we ever be able to think clearly, to make wise decisions? For us, the jury is still out. We are healing, but we are still so tender. We are settled, but we are still unsettled. We laugh, but inside we are crying. We are numb, yet we feel pain. We remind ourselves that our situation is temporary, but right now, it feels like forever.