aftermath

What does friendship mean? A sweet young friend of mine recently asked me how to comfort another person when you've not experienced his/her tragedy. As I looked into her concerned eyes, I searched my heart & my mind for the right answer… The best I could come up with at that moment was, "Just be there."

I have been the comforter & the comforted. Truth is, there is no right or wrong. There is no "pat" answer. As a Breast Cancer Survivor & a Tornado Survivor, I realize that how the Survivor handles the situation varies greatly from person to person. Some of us are just thankful to be alive. We try to minimize our disaster. Others are angry. Some are in denial. Some are just heart broken. All of us are in post traumatic shock.

So how do you comfort another person? How do you reach out to someone when there is such an array of different responses to tragedy? Sometimes you send a card. Other times you hold a hand. You might cry real tears with your friend. You may need to give them distance. You may need to just be there. You can send flowers. You can accompany them to an appointment. You can fix a meal. You can say, "I am so sorry." You can just listen. You can pray.

Sometimes you can say or do the wrong thing. You can tell someone you fear that she won't make it. You can minimize her pain. You can ignore the elephant in the room. You can do nothing. You can deny her feelings. You can be jealous of the attention she is getting. You can fix a meal to make yourself look good. You can forget about her pain. You can make insensitive comments. You can tell her about your friend or relative that died from the same illness. You can ask too many questions. You can stay too long.

As I said, I've been on both sides. I haven't always said or done the right thing. I haven't always had words of comfort said to me. In fact, sometimes things were said that were quite disturbing. They sent my mind into overload, & it took hours or even days to get the hurt out of my head. These words sound harsh, but someone I deeply respect said them to me. "Your friend's burden doesn't need to become your burden".

I pondered her words for a long time, & then I felt released. As a Survivor, I don't want to over burden my friends. I need them desperately, but I don't want to become their burden. I don't want their lives to stop for me. No… I just need to know they care. If I have something they can help me with, I ask them. I covet their prayers.

As a friend to many Survivors, I cannot function if my friends' burdens become my own. No… I need to love them, to care for them. I need to walk with them, to hold their hand, to pray for them. I don't need to become so burdened that I cannot function. When a crisis occurs, an adjustment period takes place. Life does come to a screeching halt. But.. as the aftermath of the tragedy continues, we need to provide comfort. We need to care. But… we also need to be their for our own family.