cold truth

When you are a cancer survivor, your world changes in so many facets. I have had people tell me not to let cancer define me. It doesn't, but I cannot deny how it has changed every fiber of my being. I really don't mind if it defines me as long as that definition gives me the opportunity to help others. One of the few goods that can possibly come from cancer is giving it back to God. To me… that means letting Him use my sorrows to comfort others.

I have a multitude of friends who are my fellow survivors. Some of them are battling the vicious relentless disease even as I write this blog. I am overwhelmed with grief on their behalf. I went to lunch with 2 beautiful new friends today (both survivors). When I left, I felt like I didn't have a problem in the world. My dear friend had surgery today. She suffers, & she suffers. I cry for her. It makes me hate cancer.

I can embrace cancer on my own behalf. The changes it has wreaked on my life have not been easy, but they have made me a stronger person, a better person, & a deeper person. Never the less, when I see my friends suffer, I am angry. When I worry about it attacking my loved ones, I hate it. When I consider the fact that it could come back to haunt me, I simply give my own fears to God. But… the fear I have for others is harder to give to God. Why? I don't know.

Today has been a hard day (emotionally).  So many of my friends suffer. Some with cancer. Some with other unspeakable hardships. I am helpless to help them. I can only cover them with prayer. My sweet survivor friend gave me a very special gift last week. It was a canvas with a painting of a candle on it. When you turn on the switch, the candle flickers. I hung the canvas in my bedroom. I light the candle each night.

When I wake through the night, I see the flicker. It burns for my friends. I look at it, & I pray for each one of them throughout the night. I love my canvas. I adore the friend who gave it to me. I was with her when she bought it. She gave it to me. I will treasure it all of my days as I treasure her. I do understand suffering. I have suffered. I understand dying. I am not afraid. It just breaks my heart for the one who suffers & for those who bear it with her.