Thursday, April 23, 2015

Happy Birthday to me!

It's not like me to publicly wish myself a happy birthday. But…let's be honest. Once you have cancer, a birthday is never the same. Instead of regretting getting older, you are thankful that you are getting older. I never see my grandchildren (both born since my diagnosis) that I don't feel this twinge of thankfulness that I get to see them, to hold them, smell them, admire their cuteness, hear of their antics, & watch my daughters mother them.

When a friend has a heart ache, I am thankful that I am still here to comfort them, to pray for them, & to walk this journey called life with them. Having lost a dear friend recently to cancer & having 3 friends walking this journey at a much more advanced stage than my own diagnosis, I thank God that I can pray for their comfort. I thank God that I can raise support for our cause. I wonder, why God why me? Why am I the one who gets to be alive & bubbling over with life?

Life is so full of meaning, & I thank cancer for that. Yes… cancer has robbed me of much (especially my brains), but it has given me much that is immeasurable. I cannot measure the depth of my faith. I cannot measure the sheer joy I feel just because I am here to witness some very special moments in the lives of my loved ones. I cannot measure the changes that have evolved in me since my diagnosis.

Each change in itself is not positive. Some are rather negative. But… when you add up the sum total of the whole impact, I hope it's for the better. No, it's not easy. As each cancer patient is unique, I am a unique case too. I suffer things others don't & vice versa. I am fearfully & wonderfully made. Just ask my Creator.

This year my birthday feels a bit out of place to me. I don't exactly know why, but I miss my friend, Elizabeth, who now resides in Heaven. She shared my birthday. I often think of her. I picture her happy & healed. I wonder what she is doing. I miss her. Life just doesn't seem quite right without her. This evening I attended a gathering in her honor. It was bittersweet.

I associate my birthday with The Race for The Cure. It's Springtime. It's my birthday. It's Race for The Cure. It's Mother's Day, and I am here to breathe them all in. I am here to participate in life, to live it to the full. I am here to be an advocate for my cause. I am here to soak up sunshine, pet my fur babies, snuggle my grandchildren. Yes…I am here.

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