Sad

Today, my blog comes from a sad place deep within my heart. To say I am angry at cancer is an understatement. To say I am angry that I walk this journey would be untrue. It's a strange twist. A few days ago, a dear friend died of cancer. He is a hero. He was a kind person; he persevered through more than anyone should have to endure. In the end, he passed into Heaven, & I know he is fully healed. Sadness: he leaves behind a beloved wife, a daughter, a sister, & others who already miss him dearly. Their lives forever changed.

A few days ago, another sweet soul underwent a double mastectomy. Through her, I relive my own double mastectomy (just a few short years ago). I know everyone grieves differently through this process. I pray for her throughout each day, but even though I walk this walk, I am unsure how to help. I understand each person is affected so differently. She knows I am here for her. I grieve for her. I cheer her on. I am so sad she too walks this walk. I wouldn't wish it on another soul (ever).

Last night I met with 3 of my dearest friends. 1/2 of us our Survivors. We share some common threads. I see how her treatments have worn her down. She is resilient, but she is human. It's emotionally too much for anyone. We talked about the effects of this illness on ourselves, out families, & the list continues into every facet of our lives. It is too much to bear. It is too much.

A few day ago, I met with a Survivor. I sensed she is still angry at her cancer. She has been robbed of much. It just isn't what she would choose. Who would? As I consider theses dear souls & their lives, I cannot help but notice one thing. Each of them is a kind person. None would intentionally hurt another soul. We were all caught off guard. Our lives forever changed.

I have to be honest… the changes are sobering. They invade every facet of our lives. I know my heart has been refined through this journey. My faith has deepened. My body is not the same. My anxiety has a few new issues upon which to fixate. I am forever shaken. No…I am not the same. My life will be filled with ongoing exams. I will await the results of a tumor marker test every 6 months for I don't know how long. There is no end in sight. That's just the life of a Survivor.

Yes… there is good in this. It forces me to fully surrender my life to Christ. He gives. He takes away. My days are numbered as are the days of each human being. Sometimes I dwell on  my unknowns but then I remind myself, it's all in God's hands. He is bigger than my unknowns. And so… I carry on, doing all I can to reach out to others, to share the need to eradicate this awful disease. I embrace each day (good or bad). I grieve for those who lose their loved ones. I grieve for those who walk this journey (& for those who hold their hands). It's cruel. it's heartless. It knows no bounds….