Monday, June 16, 2014

We cannot see the happy ending.

I don't think I've ever felt so overwhelmed with heart ache for so many dear people all at once. Some of the despair is incomprehensible to the human heart. So many people are in desperate need of God's healing hand in their lives. I wish that children being sick was off limits. I wish it just wasn't allowed. The trauma is just too much for a child to bear & for his/her parents to watch.

When I was undergoing treatment, the worst part was watching my family suffer for me. I hated the stress my health caused them. The anguish was evident in their eyes. I felt like we were all learning a foreign language together. In fact, I felt like we were all on a boat with people who didn't speak our language. The information was above our heads. We couldn't understand or make sense of anything.

I believe I suffered from post traumatic for at least a year. Everything was surreal. Was this really me we were talking about. Were these precious tears being shed for me? How could I make this better? How could I make this go away? So overwhelmed. So helpless. So scared. I couldn't even say the words, "I have cancer" for 3 months. I couldn't talk to my best friends. I wanted to be isolated.

As I see others suffering, I find myself in despair. I've lived first hand the treasures found on this journey, yet I could never wish it on anyone. I've also lived first hand the fear, the loss, the pain. No…
I don't wish this on another soul. Once again, I feel helpless. I feel overwhelmed. I cry for them. I pray for them. This world is a sad place. It has joy & laughter, but deep down, it is full of hard ship & pain.

I understand why our world is so full of pain. I am thankful it is our temporary home. I know Heaven awaits all who believe. No more suffering. No more tears. However, it's hard to comprehend when we are hurting. We have earthly eyes, & I believe we only catch glimpses of Heaven on this earth. We are not allowed to see the whole picture. We cannot see the happy ending. We are stuck in today, & only through faith can we find the strength to face each day. Our only Hope is in the Lord.

The more I know, the less I know. The longer I live, the more heart ache I see. The more people I care for, the more I hurt. It's just the way it works. I believe the only way to find Hope is to surrender all to God. We must admit we have no control. We must admit we cannot survive on our own. We need God; we need each other.


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