my defining moment...

Yesterday, as I was headed toward my defining moment, I called a dear survivor friend & chatted all the way there (a 45 minute drive). I was in good company; it kept my mind off of my impending possibilities. As we chatted, I said, "Well you know, this could be a defining moment." Yes… the balance often truly hangs on the tumor marker test.

We both agreed that being cancer survivors has made us painfully aware of how quickly our lives can change (in the blink of an eye). I saw my doctor, & I couldn't have asked for a more positive appointment. Heartfelt thanks to all who pray for me. It's moments like these, I know I am being carried by prayers. Psychologically, it's just too  much for the human heart to handle the unknowns of what could be the inevitable. It isn't the good news so much that makes me know people are praying for me. No, it's the peace in my heart & the grace with which I prepare myself to accept whatever I am given.

Some things are out of my hands. I can do my part, but ultimately my outcome rests in His hand. As my hubby & I went out to celebrate, I couldn't help but think how different things would be if I had been given the opposite news. His response, "I don't really think I could have handled that right now." Who ever can? That is one part of the cancer journey that doesn't really go away (at least not in the first few years). I suppose, 10 years down the road, it might.

I am thankful for this journey in so many ways. The abundance of treasures found on this journey are innumerable. I cannot even begin to count them. It's a God walk for sure, & that is the most cherished part for me. It's a perspective changer. I define problems differently than prior to cancer. It's a live-life- to-the full practice because I never take a day for granted (even the ones that are disheartening). One of the gifts I am most thankful for is that it has bled over into other areas of my life. I am able to transfer my Trust from this walk of life to other walks of life…

If I couldn't trust in God for His ultimate good for me, I would live differently. If I couldn't trust that He has the whole picture, I would not live with the same peace. If I didn't believe that the Lord gives & the Lord takes, I would feel more pressured to be perfect. I do my best, but ultimately I know my days are numbered (as are everyone's) according to His plan. If I couldn't rest assured that one day there will be no more suffering & no more tears, I would live without hope. If it were easy, I wouldn't depend on Him.

I am not saying I got it all right. Believe me I don't, & some moments in my life are full of grief & fear. It's a daily (sometimes hourly discipline) of walking my head through these truths. It's moving them from my head to my heart or vice versa. It's a conscious effort to claim them & live accordingly. It's not an easy walk. I no longer expect it to get easier. No… because the growth comes through the struggles.