She cries...

Yesterday, I cried. It's okay to cry. I believe crying is healing. It was a hard day, not because I received terrible news. I didn't. It's just that my reserves are low from an accumulation of health issues, & what the doctor said I needed was too much to hear (at that moment). It was another act of surrender for me, & I knew that was my only choice. There were no options. This is the order of how we proceed. For my good, we cannot skip a step. I'm impatient at my best. At that moment, all I heard was more waiting. I just want to be done. I don't want my mind to be consumed with this another day. Too bad for me. Surrender.

I believe that an important component of the breast cancer journey is surrender. We talk so much about the fight. "Fight like a Girl!" Yeah, before the tornado, I had a pink ball cap I loved to wear. It said, "Fight like a Girl." Back then, it was about fight. "Never give up! Kick cancer in the butt!" You know... this whole attitude is prevalent amongst cancer survivors & their cheer leaders. Truth is, that's not who I am. I am strong (most days). Most days, I would like to kick cancer from here to Texas. But truly, I'm much more about surrender than fight.

If you think about it, fighting takes much more out of our bodies than surrender. Yes, most everyone wants the cancer patient to fight. It seems the natural, admirable thing to do. It seems right. You've been dealt this hand, now fight. Boss that cancer back, & tell it where to go! Yes, I think we who walk this journey have all felt that way. It's not that I too don't feel that way; it's just that I walk this life in relationship with my Lord & Savior. It isn't that I think He doesn't want me to fight. I believe in gratitude, & I am grateful for every day; yes, even the bad ones.

However, I think my Lord offers me another way. It isn't giving up. It isn't lack of gratitude for each breath I am given. No. It's an acknowledgment of what is within my power to change & what is not. It isn't about resentment toward cancer or hating it. It's about a relationship with the Lord that gives me strength for each day. It means I don't have to be strong. I can be weak. I can cry. I can process my news, & I don't have to like it. I can be angry or bitter for a while, but in time, I simmer down. I place myself back in God's hands, knowing He has the whole picture. I don't. I rest in Him. I am conscious. I am alive. But I don't have to fight. I don't have to resent, to hate, or even be strong. I can simply just be. I can rest in Him, knowing that whatever comes my way, He (at the very least) allowed it.

This doesn't make me mad at Him. No. I believe my life is my story, my calling. I hear God saying that I am to live my life to the full (whatever that means for me). I am to trust in Him. I do. It's okay to be filled with fear, to cry, to have a complete meltdown. It's okay to hate cancer, but I have a choice. My choice is to see the gifts along the way. I promise you, the treasures you find on this journey, & the stuff you pull out of yourself, they are more than you could ever expect. They are brilliant surprises that give you strength for the next thing. They are the gifts you hold on to. They teach you how to take your next step. They give you a deep sense of what matters & what doesn't. They are where I meet God, & I thank Him for my journey, because without this journey, I would never know Him the way I do.