She waits...

It happened almost a few weeks ago. Suddenly a new symptom. Do I call my doctor? Maybe it's nothing. I don't know what to do. Is it cancer? Has it come back? Maybe I'm jumping the gun. I don't want to get ahead of myself. One step at a time. I call the doctor. I go for a test. I get a biopsy. Now I'm waiting. The results will take 1-2 weeks. What's next?

If you are a cancer survivor, these thoughts may have crossed your mind. After all, if it happened once, it can happen again. To all survivors, I ask, "How do we wait?" Do we google? We don't have enough knowledge to understand what we read, but the temptation! Everybody does it. Doctors expect it.

Keeping busy? That helps. If I keep busy, my mind stays occupied. If I live in the moment, I'm NOT robbed of my joy. I focus on the present, not the future. If I look into the eyes of my pets, I feel better. If I take a moment to talk to them & pet them, I feel better. If I listen to my grandchildren, I can't help but laugh. If one of them hugs me, kisses my cheek, or calls my name, it's like magic. I can even forget my troubles. When I interact with them, they are all I see. They capture me, all of me.

What do I do when anxiety rolls in (without my permission)? I try to refocus. I've gotten better at this. I've had practice. It helps. It's become a habit. I have a choice. I don't have to live in the fear of my future. I can think about other things. I have a respit.

I have family. I have daughters, cousins, & friends. They care about me. They are here for me. It's okay to share my fears with them. They can take it. I don't have to be strong. They know me. They don't judge me for my frailties. They listen, they pray, they bear my burdens with me. They make me feel better. They are my escape. I love them. I need them. I lean on them. I pray for them.

I must ask myself, "What can I control?" The answer, nothing. This is out of my control. I cannot control the outcome. I did nothing to bring this on myself, & if I did, it's water under the bridge. It doesn't matter now. No, now the only thing within my power is how I wait. Again, I do have a choice. I have chosen to put myself in the Lord's hands. I trust Him. He has the whole picture. I don't.  I trust that whatever befalls me. He is with me. I pray. I know that His presence is my everything. With Him, I am okay even if I am not okay. He is with me.