a little deeper...

Today was a day I'm not sure I thought I would see a year ago. I visited my Oncologist & was released for 6 months. I got some of my questions answered regarding medication & side effects. I am just trying to understand my realities so I know what I can & cannot help. Of course, I still have a Radiologist Oncologist, a Plastic Surgeon, a Breast Surgeon, a GI, & a GP to see. That's a lot of doctors for one little person. There will never be an escape from this reality, but truth is, it's always reassuring to be checked, and if something appears, hopefully, it will be caught early & treated.

I am feeling rather vulnerable tonight. We (my husband & I) went out for dinner to celebrate this magnificent day. Even though our meal grossed us both out, & the service was poor, we had a great time. Just being with him, aligns my stars. Just looking into his eyes, & knowing that together, we will get through whatever we face... is enough for me. Some things in my life will never be the same. That's oaky, because I believe as one door closes, another opens.

I think it is through the things we cannot control that we grow as human beings. These things challenge us to depend on God, step out of our box, & discover new things. With every loss, I believe our depth becomes a little deeper. Cancer is a thief, but at the same time, it allows you to gain some of your richest blessings. This paradox continues to blow my mind. It's life changing but not necessarily for the worse. Cancer levels the playing field. It has no regard for anything or anyone. No one is immune.

Cancer causes you to evaluate every angle of your life. It makes you examine your life, your purpose, your future, your past. Every time I see an article, I read it with trepidation. I research it. I try to make sense of it. When it conflicts with what my doctor tells me, I'm troubled. I get confused & feel vulnerable. I spend too much time trying to reconcile these discrepancies. Things seem to keep slapping me in the face, reminding me of my odds. I'd like to be free of this daily sting.

After dinner, my husband bought me a little present. I don't know why he's so good to me. As we came home, it gave me something to look forward to, something fun to research. His kindness is healing to me. It temporarily erases my troubles & gives me a break from my thoughts. I love his laugh & his deep voice. I love his compassion & his listening ear. I love that he spoils me. I love him.