I just can't fully wrap my head around it.

For as long as I've lived, for as long as I can remember, I  have heard about Him. For as long as I've heard about Him, I believe I've known Him. I was young, & it seemed natural to invite Him into my life. I was only 3. I know… really little. But the words of a particular song had meaning to my small ears. When I was 10 (only in 4th grade), I wore a ring for Him. It signified that He was a part of my life. My understanding had grown, yet there was still so much more to know…

As I reached adolescence,  I took another step on this journey. It wasn't just obedience; I was all in. My family was there, even my Girl Scout leader. I was surprised. After all, it was a Easter Sunday. Again, this step just seemed like the natural thing to do. As time elapsed, & I grew into my teen years, I always tried to think about this relationship. It had a grip on  my heart, a deep impact. I was different than some of my friends, but it didn't seem to matter. We loved each other no matter what.

When I attended college, I allowed Him to rule my life, I didn't always get it right, but I sure tried. In fact, I fell short on so many occasions, I became very frustrated with myself. Why did I continue to repeat the same mistakes? Hadn't I learned anything during my high school years? When I met my husband, I was only 14. He knew where I stood. I knew where he stood. When we got married, we wanted this relationship to be a part of our marriage. Together, we continued to mess "it" up. We tried, but we just didn't always get it.

As my daughters turned into young women, something awful happened. We were faced with my mortality. We weren't ready for this? Who ever is? So… I remembered the simple, the true, the beginning. I went back to age 3, & I heard the song again. I sat in my living room so tortured with despair, & I cried out. I used one of His many names, my favorite name for Him, Jesus. This time I heard His voice, a one word answer…grace. Yes, I remembered,"His grace is sufficient for me."

Suddenly words began to have new meaning. But even now, after all the places my journey has taken me, I still cannot comprehend this one thing. It's what we celebrate today, Good Friday. How can it be Good? I don't get it, but that's not what I can't wrap my head around. I will never, as long as I live, fully "get" Jesus dying on the cross for me. He gave His life for my ridiculous sins, for all the things, I just cannot get right.

He suffered beyond recognition. What are my sins worth to me? How dare I hurt Him? He has resided in my heart for 49 years. He has directed my life. He's never forsaken me, never betrayed me, never done anything but give me peace. He's held me in the worst of times. He's comforted my soul when no one else could. He's stood behind me (I was wrapped in His arms), as I awaited bad news. He's forgiven my ridiculous ways. He's loved me in spite of myself. His still small voice is the sweetest voice I know.