It doesn't go away...

I feel a need to explain something that's been on my mind. I've said it many times. I've blogged about it  & posted about it a few times on Facebook. As anyone who follows my blog knows, I am a breast cancer survivor & now a tornado survivor. What I'm writing is very personal, & I don't expect others to agree with me (even if they are in a similar predicament). So… I hope I haven't offended anyone with my thoughts & words. I'm not putting my feelings on others. I'm merely stating how I feel.

Every now & then, something comes to mind, & I realize I didn't account for a certain loss from the tornado. Usually, it's something replaceable. Sometimes, it's not. A few days ago, I realized my most precious loss, my mother's diary from her teen years. She was sixteen and giddy. Oh how I miss her.  It was a treasure. I used to read her entries & chuckle aloud. I marveled at the person I never knew in that way.

The other day, I ran across a question. It asked who I'd like to sit with for an hour on a bench if I could choose anyone I wanted (dead or alive). My first & only thought was my mother. She is so dear to me. At first, I thought I chose her because I wanted her to tell me about Heaven. That is true, but today I realized there was more to my wish. It's hard to put into words.

I would love to spend an hour with her on a specific bench that resides in my hometown on the shores of Lake Michigan in honor of my Dad.  I would like to see her healed. I would like to spend an hour with her seeing her in her Heavenly state. She would have no anxiety. She would be able to walk, to play the piano, & paint beautiful pictures. She would be able to think clearly, & she would have the perspective of living on earth & now in Heaven. She would be able to share her new perspective with  me. I long for that.

It's strange how the loss of my health, my mama, & my home are all tied up together. What I'm trying to say is this…My home blew away with pretty much everything I owned (even my mother's diary). However, living with cancer is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The lasting effects of the chemo, the surgery, the radiation are still to be determined. They are definitely taking their toll both physically & emotionally.

My losses from the tornado are immense but temporary. Not all of them are replaceable. I am not making light of it when I personally say I'd rather lose my home than have cancer. I'm just being honest. I'm also explaining why Race for The Cure is so important to me. I've walked through a lot of difficulty in the past 4 years. So have many others. I wouldn't trade my cancer in because of the depth of faith it has given me. But… I must make it clear, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. It doesn't go away.