easy tears

Yesterday morning I visited with other breast cancer survivors as I waited for my turn to be interviewed at Susan G. Komen. As we chatted, I couldn't help but stroll down memory lane. I couldn't help but note their facial expressions as they remembered details from their own cases. It's amazing how retelling our stories so easily brings tears to our eyes. Sometimes, I think we'd all like to minimize it, to pretend it never happened (or at least forget it). We can't. The reason being (I think) is because of the fear. We forever live with the fear of the return of our nightmare.

Daily, I must remind myself who's hand holds me. I actually put out the palm of my hand & picture myself sitting right smack dab in the middle of God's mighty hand. The Bible tells me that nothing can snatch me out of the palm of God's hand. I know this. I live this. I wish it could be second nature. I wish I didn't have to remind myself. I've taken to wearing a bracelet lately with the words from Psalm 23 written on it.

My husband claims this verse as his favorite. Funny how you can hear a verse over & over for years, & suddenly, it's like hearing it for the first time. Verse 4 is the part that I find especially comforting. I will fear no evil; for thou art with me. Thy rod & thy staff, they comfort me. Jesus is referred to in scripture as The Great Shepherd. I believe this verse is saying that He is my shepherd, watching after me, guarding me with His staff & His rod. He is always with me.

It also says in the Bible that the sheep learn to recognize their Master's voice. I take this literally, & I thank God for each time I hear His still small voice, for each time He refreshes my soul, for each time He takes away my burdens. I think I keep God pretty busy because I am needy. I need Him more than I need air or water. I need Him to feel whole. I need Him to live fully. I need Him to calm my fears.

As I've said before, knowing His presence is better than any miracle, better than any earthly treasure. His presence comforts me in a way in which only His presence can. His still small voice is the most comforting of all. When I hear His voice, I rest easily no matter what burden I carry.

I must admit there is another reason that we cannot (must not)  forget our journey. This reason is much more positive. It also causes one's eyes to tear up. Our journey has changed us. It has given us a new perspective. It has brought people into our lives who are beautiful. It has caused us to dig deep into our own souls & find someone we might not have known prior to our diagnosis.

This person is a new person. I feel so vulnerable, yet so loved. I feel so weak, yet so strong. I feel so scared, yet so courageous. I don't know how a person can have such opposing feelings all at the same time, but I do. I don't know how one's life can be so unsettled, yet so peaceful. I like living this way. It's not something I fully understand, but it's refreshing. It gives me opportunity to share God's presence in my life. It forces me to live His love.  It keeps me in the right place. I think that's why I like it.