Thursday, November 1, 2012

Hugged

When something powerful happens in my life, I have to share it. To others, it may not seem like much, but to me, it's a celebration of God's hand in my life. Today finally came, the day of my surgery. It entailed some reconstruction, some repairs, & a few other unmentionables. Unlike my past surgeries, I really wasn't dreading this one. I can't say I was looking forward to it, but my mind was at peace.

When I awoke from my double mastectomy last February, I experienced peace from God unlike any I'd ever known. I was very overwhelmed with so many things about this surgery. Fear reigned throughout my body, mind, & soul. I didn't want to awake to hearing my lymph node count. I knew I'd be alone in recovery, & I didn't know if I was capable of processing such information emotionally on my own. Also, I was expecting to be in great pain. I wasn't. Lastly, I'd just experienced a frightening surgery with the installation of my port, & the memory was still fresh.

As I awoke, I felt the presence of God. I immediately wanted to know how many of my lymph nodes were cancerous. When I asked the nurse, she told me I would have to ask the doctor. She didn't know. Knowing myself like I do, if I could have been looking in from the outside, I would have expected to see a woman stricken with fear, a woman choked up with a throat so tight, she couldn't swallow. In short, I would have expected her to be paralyzed with fear.

My expectations were not met. Instead the woman lying in the hospital bed, recovering from a major surgery, a difficult surgery, was just plain thankful. When the nurse told her she didn't know the lymph node count, this woman saw that as a negative, but still, she did not fear. She lay in that recovery bed feeling the presence of her Heavenly Father. She knew that whatever came her way, He held her in the palm of His hand. This was a new feeling for her. She was not accustomed to such peace in the midst of such deep fear.

So this morning, I awoke with peace. I even said aloud, "I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not even scared." I was tempted to be concerned for my lack of fear. How unnatural for me, a woman who has fought fear & anxiety her whole life. This peace remained with me until an hour before my surgery. Suddenly, my old familiar anxiety blew in (just like the wind). Fear overtook my whole body, & I couldn't stop shaking. Of course, I began telling myself I had nothing to fear. After all, no lymph nodes were involved today.

As we were about to head out the door, I took a quick moment to post something on Facebook. I posted that I was scared & shaken on the inside. Immediately, dear FB friends began lifting me up in prayer. I could actually feel it. Ten minutes later, just as quickly as my anxiety blew in, it left. My blood pressure was only 117/55. My husband & I visited & chuckled as we waited for the doctor. Of course, it didn't hurt that this particular doctor is one of my favorites.

I am home now, relaxing on my couch. Even my husband noted a difference in my nerves. Between the blood pressure reading, & his observations, I know I'm not making this up. Based on my history with anxiety, I know some serious healing has taken place. I hadn't even taken my anxiety medication. When the peace that surpasses all understanding takes hold of your mind & soul, in spite of how you are knit together, the credit can only be given to the Lord. Yes, I have a few stinging pains that come & go, but surgery has never been so peaceful. Firsthand, I believe I am experiencing God's loving arms wrapped around me. He's hugging me. Wow! I'm in awe. I'm not used to feeling like this.


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