all wrapped in a day...

Yesterday was a day filled with so many unexpected emotions… I began my day with my Small Group (always my favorite day of the week). My dear friends kept me diverted from what lay ahead of me in just a few hours, my yearly appointment with my radiologist. I've come so far as I face each appointment I must endure. I know it's not normal, but I used to worry excessively over routine appointments for months in advance. How foolish! What a waste of joy & energy. I think it's called anxiety.

So… yesterday was my typical lovely Thursday morning. As the last person left my house, I knew it was time to head to my appointment. I picked up, & before I knew it, I was on my way. I parked in my same old parking spot where I always parked 2 years ago for treatment. I signed in & was greeted by 3 receptionists who remembered me & seemed so happy to see me. Wow! They have so many patients, how can they remember me?

I followed the nurse back when she called my name. She was new, & she was so kind. Immediately, I knew I was in good hands. It took awhile for the dr to get to me. After all, he's very busy, brilliant, & consistently kind. So as I sat on the exam table, I began to pray through the alphabet as I used to do when I had radiation. After the 3rd time, I just put my head on the pillow & relaxed.

Finally he came in (apologizing for my wait time). I asked him how he was, & he replied, "Well how I am depends on how you are." Pretty sweet, huh? As he carefully & thoroughly examined me, I felt 2 emotions. #1=relief. #2= unexpected fear. How did that fear creep in when I was doing so well? It took me aback & left me processing throughout the afternoon.

I texted my family with the good news. Still I felt shaken. Why? I still don't know. I think it's just all of the emotion that goes with this walk. I think it's a big reminder of the severity of my diagnosis. I try not to dwell there, but sometimes it slaps me in the face like cold water.

The day passed, & I still had these 2 emotion, gratefulness mixed with fear. As I approached Good Neighbor's Day with my youngest daughter, I ran into friend after friend. Hugs & smiles, laughter abounded! Then my middle daughter & husband arrived with my grand daughter. We sat under the tent sharing funnel cakes & Lily. It was  surreal.  These are moments I imagine, but this one crept up on me. This joy replaced my fear. This joy brought healing.  I picked up a hot fudge sundae on the way home & walked in the door feeling refreshed!