We all have troubles.

Seems like it's been awhile since I've blogged. I think it's because I'm sleeping better at night. Many of my blogs were written during the late night/early morning hours of sleeplessness. I am so thankful to be sleeping, but I do miss blogging. Some of you are probably relieved. Lol. I cannot credit anything other than Xanax for my sleep. I'm sorry I had to resort to sleep medication, but the accumulation of sleeplessness was causing my body great fatigue.

So I've been doing a lot of self evaluation lately… I don't like to dwell on self, but at the same time, how do we fine tune ourselves if we don't consider how to help ourselves? As you know, I've had lots of physical therapy, & I am sure that has contributed to some of my self-evaluation. I'll be honest, some of the physical therapy has been life changing for me, & some of it has just served to help me better understand my issues. Some things won't get better, so it will be up to me to deal with my troubles with a thankful attitude. Understanding them certainly helps. I believe living with them allows God to refine my heart if I let Him.

Whatever my troubles (which we all have troubles), I try to see them as opportunities to grow me as a person, deepen my faith, allow me to empathize with others, & the blessings continue. If I could go back 4 years in my life, there are some hardships I would ask to be spared & some I would say, it's okay…the treasures are worth the journey. Kinda weird, isn't it?

I find that the things in life that hurt relationships with people are the things I would ask to be spared. Fixing a broken relationship takes more work for me than all of my therapy put together. Being hurt by another person takes so much healing. Hurting another person causes so much guilt & sadness too. Sometimes, we are not even aware of the hurts we cause. Forgiveness is essential but so difficult because memories cannot be forgotten. If we could erase them, forgiveness would be so much easier! Still…we are called to forgive.

So as I walk through the last 4 years of my life, cause that is truly when a downhill spiral of hardships began, I kind of have a pecking order of my difficulties. Emotional pain from others & myself, I would like to erase & have a do over. I would like to walk through life without conflict with other souls. I have learned to always remember, God loves both individuals (one just as much as the other) when relationship turmoil takes hold.

As for my house being blown away, I mourn for Washington & its people. As for myself, I regret the stress it's put on my husband. Watching him agonize is painful. As for me, I have a few losses (like my mother's diary), I would reclaim if I could. But most of my losses from that vicious storm were only temporary, even before the winds blew. The storm just proved it. As we move forward, my blessings overflow. Holes left from material losses have been filled with far greater treasures like my 2 precious grandchildren.

As for my health… well. I have struggles; but my joy far outweighs any health problems. I don't know if that will always be the case. I sure hope so. If given a choice to remove breast cancer from my life's journey, here's the sobering (& weird) truth. I would remove it because of the suffering it has caused my family. I would remove it for the cloud it has put over our heads. However, I am a better person because of it, no doubt. I love my faith, & I love liven' right. That means right in the palm of God's hand. It's a daily, sometimes hourly, discipline to place myself in His hand, but life is so much better there. My false securities have been pulled out from under me. I know how fragile I am. I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything or anyone.