Still.

Recently, we were eating in one of my favorite restaurants. The cook/owner came out to say hi to us. She is such a sweet & joyful person, even when her heart is broken. Her husband has cancer. It has returned. Nothing they can do.

Still... she smiled. Still... she counted her blessings. She thanked God for any good she could find in her sorrow. She took time to tell us how God had recently blessed them with a sweet vacation, just the 2 of them. She took time to tell us that her boy was home from being stationed in a dangerous country in the Middle East. She took time to tell us that her husband was proud of her.

I love this woman, & her sorrow breaks my heart. She & her beloved husband have gone from fight to surrender. Strange how a prognosis can immediately alter your plans. One day you are waiting. Then, with one phone call, your waiting ends. Your question has been answered. As you hang up, without even a moment's processing, you begin planning your remaining days. Whew... It's both mind boggling & heart shattering. It's the moment you've dreamed about, so why is it so surreal? Why is your heart palpitating? You've role played this scenario in your mind 100's of times, yet you feel stunned.

There's perhaps a slight relief that occurs in knowing. Living with such emotional toil is hard. You wonder how your demise will come. How will you suffer? How will your family hold you? What effect  will your decline have on them? Will they continue to stand by you? Is that fair to them?

Reality:  There's nothing fair about cancer. It seems to come out of nowhere & haphazardly chooses its journey. Once you join this club, you see life differently. Even though you might be thankful for the treasures found on this journey, you still could never wish it on anyone. You might be thankful for how you've weathered this storm, & even have confidence that God has you in the palm of His hand. But... you still wouldn't wish this journey on another soul.

Today, my dear friend said she just couldn't buy being thankful for this journey. It seems crazy, doesn't it? It's unheard of  to think that the treasures found along the way could outweigh the suffering. It just doesn't make sense. And... if that's true, then why does it seem like you would die if you ever have to see your loved ones walk this same journey?

I asked my cancer counselor about this. She said that it's another part of you dying to yourself. I heard her words, & I cringed. Sometimes the truth hurts. It's unbearable. Today, a friend escaped the "c" word. A month ago, another friend escaped the little "c." Tomorrow, a friend awaits her phone call. The cycle is seemingly endless. I modeled in a fashion show last Friday where many of the women were on their second or third round of this dreadful disease. Many of them had daughters, sisters, mothers who fought the fight. It's unthinkable!