Saturday, December 8, 2012

How do you live life with cancer?

Recently, someone asked me if I still had cancer? My answer was... I don't think so, & I hope not. But until the next test, how do I really know? That is the truth, plain & simple. Right now, I live with a daily reminder of my past year. My radiated skin is shrinking. It's been said that radiation is the gift that keeps on giving. Seems to be an understatement.

Every night, I awake about 3:30am & frequently cannot go back to sleep. My left side, the radiated side, never feels quite right. Sometimes, I imagine lymphedema. Other times, it's just discomfort, but it scares me. I worry about the tightness & wonder at the longterm effects of that frightful day when my world was forever changed. My life was turned up. side. down.

As I reenter my world, I am constantly reminded of how my life has changed. If it's not someone asking me about my cancer, it's a dear friend hugging me for dear life. If I haven't seen someone in a while,  I can tell by her hug, she is rooting for me, praying for me, cheering me along on my journey. It still takes people a little time to recognize me. After all, I have a new do.

Of course, there's the frequent flashbacks. Something will trigger a memory, & whoosh, I'm reliving the early days of my journey. Perhaps it's somebody else suffering. It might be a TV show. Christmas, of course, marks a reminder of how far I've come. Then... there's the sadness that comes when you hear of someone passing from this heinous disease. It makes my heart ache the most when I think about the family suffering as they walk this journey with their loved one.

So... how does one carry on when their physical state & their memories keep slapping them in the face? Going back to our life prior to cancer sometimes seems like the best answer. At least, that's what we would do if we could. But... of course, that is not an option, so how do we live our life from this day forward?

I think we take one day at a time. We put one foot in front of the other, & before we know it, we are moving forward. I believe it's important to take time to mentally process our journey, & yes... to even embrace it. At first, that seems ridiculous, absurd. However, as your feet move forward, & your mind looks back, you begin to see beautiful treasures with eyes you didn't have prior to this journey.

I marvel at how my life has been so richly blessed this past year. The friends I've made on this journey have enriched me beyond measure. My faith has deepened, & that's the most precious gift of all. My relationships have more meaning. Wow! I didn't know that was possible. I welcome my flashbacks because they keep me in touch with the new me.

I love to embrace this journey. God has given me an opportunity to see life from a new perspective with   a keener eyesight. I don't wish it away. Going forward takes facing my fears. Looking back gives me strength. It melts my fears & renews my faith. I love my life, & I am grateful for each day. When  fears creeps up on me, when anxiety blows in like the wind, I must consciously put myself back in the arms of my loving Father. After all, only He knows the number of my days. The rest really doesn't matter.

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