I didn't see it coming...

Today I was remembering a sermon I heard from Pastor Deveraux Hubbard about 5 years ago. He affirmed something I already new but couldn't put into words. He said that when we serve, we serve without discrimination & without guarantee.  At the time, I was a youth leader, & his words had great meaning for me. Sometimes when we serve, we pick & choose who it is we'd like to help, & we expect something in return.

I think it is enough just to know that anything of eternal value never comes back void. When we step up to help someone, the outcome should not be our measure of success, rather the seeds that have been planted. God does the miracle. We just provide the heart, the hands, & the feet. Today is one of the happiest days I've had since my diagnosis.

I didn't see it coming... We took a little seven year old boy to VBS, & at the end, he asked Jesus into his heart. I am sure that he doesn't completely understand what he just did, anymore than an adult fully comprehends Christ. This side of Heaven, I don't think we will ever understand the "whole picture."

Childlike faith, I believe is the most pure, & it is the kind of faith God wants us to have. If only we all could believe with the simplicity of a child, no strings attached. Every stone does not have to be turned. A seven year old child can just believe.

I know that this child will have difficulties in life (as does every child). This world is a tough place to live, & the older I get, the more aware I become of how broken it is.  Today, in his unaware childlike state, he made the best decision of his life. Will it stick? My pastor says that if a person comes to Christ with a sincere heart, it's forever, even when we doubt. This comforts me.

I wish I could stop thinking about cancer.

I've decided to continue my blog privately for now. Blogging out my thoughts is so enjoyable to me. I don't know why... it just is. I also have a goal to reach 365 blogs. Maybe someday, I will make this into a devotional. I don't know. I want to keep a record of the first year of my life with the shocking news of breast cancer. Part of my reason for taking a break was to give my immediate family a rest from reading my entries. They've said nothing to make me think they need a break. I just feel it's a constant reminder to them & could be tiring. If/when I resume in August, I will probably publish the private ones too.

I am going to see a counselor on Monday. I am actually excited about having a cancer counselor talk to me & help me understand the stages of grieving I am experiencing. My frame of mind is good (though I do still have waves of anxiety). I've gone 4 nights now without sleep medication. I'm not sleeping a full night, but I am sleeping. My confidence in my ability to sleep without medicine is returning. I didn't think it would ever be possible.

As I said in my last blog...I wish I could stop thinking about cancer. That is one thing I hope the counselor can help me conquer or perhaps adjust my expectations. I've been so barraged since the day I was diagnosed, it's hard not to think about all the details. Then... there's that gnawing fear of uncertainty, wondering if/when the cancer will return. How will it return? How will I suffer? Will I see my grandchildren? Will my family be okay without me? These are the kinds of thoughts that constantly run through my head.

Lately, God has given me a wonderful opportunity (right in my own community) to love on someone in need of love. I have committed myself to this situation as I can sense that God has ordained it & orchestrated the aligning of certain details so that I would be given this opportunity. It's good diversion from my cancer thoughts. It's actually healing.

I am excited to be living again. Though I have had some lesser health issues lately, I feel as though my body is still very susceptible to infection. Next week we hope to be swimming in the ocean, & I hope to have 10 days without health issues. That would be Heaven.

July...

I need to tell you that I am taking the month of July off. We are going to be visiting our families & doing other things. I think it's time to take a little break, & if God leads, I'll resume sometime in August. Thanks to all of you who have taken time to read my blog & to encourage me as I walk this journey...

Over the next month, I will be reliving some pretty traumatic memories that began on August 14th. I will also be making some terrific new memories with our families. I'd like to say that almost a year into this journey that it has gotten easier. Truth is, it hasn't.

We are in the midst of trying to regain some sense of normalcy, & it is hard because little reminders are ever-present. I am thankful for my team of doctors & nurses who have become a vital part of my life. My family has been my diversion, my comfort, & my joy. I have 2 wonderful son-in-laws that care for me as if I were their mother.

My friends are sticking with me, & I am grateful. Sometimes our entertainment is going to my appointments. In fact, they have turned my appointments into outings! I am blessed by each & every one of them. I really don't know what I would do without their beautiful faces in my life. They have laughed with me & cried with me. They've done all sorts of crazy things & brightened every day.

Some ridiculous things have happened this year. I never saw this journey being my journey until the night my husband kissed me good night, placed his hand on my heart, & said, "What's this?" That's how simple it was. The beginning of this journey. You'd think by now I would no longer be in shock.

As I've pointed out many times, this journey is full of unexpected twists, turns, bumps, & treasures. Even 10 months down the road, we are still learning new things about my diagnosis. We remain as befuddled as ever, but at least we are befuddled together. Clinging to each other is essential but sometimes difficult. It's easy to build a wall to protect the one you love. It never works.

In all honesty, my faith has stood the test. I had one hopeless day, & that was the day my daughter left for South Africa. I was sick, depressed, & reacting to going off my pain medicine. I did not feel like myself, & I certainly did not act like myself. I knew there had to be brighter days ahead. There are.

I try to not take life too seriously, to enjoy an ice-cream sundae now & then, & to spend time loving Otis & Bella, my 2 beloved pets. They also brighten each day. I purposely spend time with the ones I love because they are what get me through each day. Laughing at their silly jokes is the best medicine of all.

I try to fill my head & heart with thoughts & people who are nurturing. It's a daily battle not to dwell on my uncertainties. I've not yet learned not to think about cancer. I hope some day it will not occupy so many of my thoughts.  I really don't want it too.

Tweaked.

So... here's my new deal. My Oncologist told me it's time to stop my sleep medication. That was about the last thing I wanted to hear (other than bad news, of course).   As a result, I'm not sleeping so well. Why is it that sleeplessness & cancer go together? Before my diagnosis, I slept like a baby most every night. It's probably due to a few factors. Sleeplessness is a part of having cancer. It just is. Some of the medicines cause insomnia. Lastly, heightened anxiety can also cause sleeplessness.

My nurse daughter has encouraged me to just relax & know that sleep will eventually come. Last night, I actually slept for 4 hours. So much better than the night before. I have a plan, & I am excited about it. I am going to use my wakeful hours to read. In my middle age, I have come to enjoy books. This was never the case in my younger years. I find it hard to put a good book down, & I believe it is a healthy, restful way to pass the quiet hours of the night.

My first read (off of sleep medication) is actually a book for men, The Breast Cancer Husband. I wish I would have read this book months ago because I learned so much about my new self & my emotional reactions over the past year. I recommend this book for all married couples going through breast cancer. It is written by a breast cancer husband (that is a man married to a woman on this unwanted journey). I found it both entertaining & insightful. It also helped me see what my help mate is going through with me. I would hate to be in his helpless & confusing shoes.

This book says that it is important to look back in life. It's important to process what we have been through so that we can move on to a new place. Sometimes looking back is exhausting & seems to  reopen our wounds. I also think it goes against our nature. If we could just sweep things under a rug & forget about the pain, that surely would be easier, wouldn't it? Not really cause it doesn't work. My past experience tells me that if we try to ignore our past, it will seep out of us like steam in a boiling pot on the stove.

I have also found that in looking back, the lessons we learn enable us to help others. Most importantly, we realize that it is our trials that truly shape our character. We become who we are through the rough stuff, not through the easy times. Nobody wants difficulty, but the treasures found on the path are worth  the misery.  Some of my lessons have been hard pills to swallow. Honestly, I haven't liked everything I've learned about myself. On a journey like this, you meet a person in the mirror that you never knew. She's you, but she's been tweaked.

Doctors

In less then 2 weeks, I have seen 5 doctors.  Suffice it to say... I've had to buck up & face the music. No escape. I've asked several questions. I've found comfort & encouragement. I've experienced aloofness, disconnection, & downright grumpiness. I have 2 doctors that have taken time to truly understand what makes me tick, & they are my best alliance. They are consistent. They seem to care about my overall well being. They "get" my anxiety & factor it into the whole picture.

If I haven't learned anything else on this journey, I've learned that doctors are human beings. This is both good & bad. In some cases, they seem to see themselves as more.  In other cases, it just makes me realize that they, too, are entitled to less than pretty moments. The hardship being: sometimes their unpretty moments coincide with my long awaited for appointment. If I catch them when they are off, I leave their office empty (even with good news).

Sometimes, I just need help sorting through information, & that seems to be a nuisance. I try to be an organized patient. I think about my appointments before I go. I take time to write down my questions. I try not to waste their time. I try to be positive & thankful. All that being said, I still can walk out of their office feeling sad or empty. Maybe it's just me...

So heres what I know: I have some liver enzymes that are slightly elevated. This seems to be a recurrent problem, so I need a little extra monitoring. I have a wisdom tooth that needs to be pulled. Yikes! I need a colonoscopy in the next year or so. Again, yikes! My tumor marker test was normal. Yay! My blood counts are good. Double yay! My OB exam was all normal. Relief! My skin is remarkably healing from radiation. Nothing short of a miracle. My arm that had the lymph node dissection is bothering me less & less. I never thought I'd be able to say that.

My energy level is amazing me. My sleeping is still an issue. My friends are the best. My family is irreplaceable. My faith is intact. I need to start exercising. I love having things to look forward to. I enjoy simple things. As for the outcome of all my appointments, whether the doctor was having a less than pretty moment or not, I am thankful for overall good news. The things that are a bit off are manageable. As for the uncertainties of this rotten disease recurring, for now, I am back where I belong, trusting in God for His overall goodness.

I would never do that.

Self-righteousness is a condition with which I believe many Christians have been afflicted. Being self-righteous is seeing life through your own eyes. It's when you look at someone else & think or even say... I would never do that. I never knew I suffered from this condition until my brother explained it to me. I was an older teen at the time. I don't even remember what prompted me to have those thoughts. I had no idea that being self-righteous could be so simply defined.

I am so glad my brother pointed it out to me & taught me how to guard against this ugly trap. I don't always get it right, but at least I am  usually aware when I fail, & I try not to make it a daily practice. I think the old adage is true... You never really know what another man's life is like until you walk in his shoes. What gives us the right to condemn another person? After all, are we without sin ourselves?

It is my opinion that if you really want to have an impact on another person's life, you must first love that person.  Build a friendship, & meet the person on their level. It's not about you; it's about sharing Christ's love. It's not about what you think of the person's life style. It's not about the fact that you would never do that. Most people don't end up in sad circumstances by choice. Frequently, traumatic events in the past made an impact or paved the way.


Are we without sin ourselves? Of course, we are not. Our sins may be less obvious, but none the less, just as potent. The damage we do through our own heart, mind, & words can be deadly. Sometimes we  justify what we do or how we react without pausing to consider the other person's reasons for  the path he has taken. I believe we need to leave the convicting to God & just be His vehicle. We need to be His hands & feet, not His Holy Spirit.

Back from the dead...

I feel as thought I have spent this last year like a bear in hibernation. It's so exciting waking up & catching up on the lives of loved ones. It's fun being out & about & running into friends. It's wonderful to to be able to answer peoples' question,"How are you?" with "So much better!" It's unreal to be able to enjoy a whole day without fatigue.

I spent most of today outside people watching, one of my favorite past times. I assisted a friend with a book sale & loved getting to know her more. We sat outside at the local pharmacy & enjoyed the people coming & going. In between customers, we visited. We ate Clif bars, drank cold drinks, & shared our lives. I love making a new friend.

This evening we (my husband & I) went to a baseball game complete with fireworks & a concert. It was such a pretty summer night. I got carried away eating a snow cone & Dippin Dots, but enjoyed both immensely.  Many of our friends were at this game, & I loved reconnecting with them. I loved the gentle breeze. I love the smell of summer. It is my favorite time of year.

I told my husband that I feel as though I have been dead for a year, removed from life, & self absorbed. Being intertwined in the lives of others is so. much. more. fun! As I begin to look back over what is soon to be a year since my diagnosis, I can't help but relive some painful moments. At times I'm still in disbelief... This 50 year old body, heart, & mind has been through a lot together. When one part suffered, so did the other 2.

So... now as my whole self begins to heal, I am overcome with life & joy. Excitement is brewing in my soul like a flower trying to push through the dirt & bloom. I know my days are numbered as are the days of each & every human being. Right now I don't feel compelled to dwell on that but rather to live each day as a gift, to live each day to the full. It's so much more fun than being lifeless.

It's a weird sensation feeling like I've missed out on a year of the lives of my loved ones. It's like time froze as I walked this lonely road. Everyone was cheering me on, yet, I felt alone, removed. It took all the energy I had to lived each day, merely as a couch potato. I had little to offer my loved ones. They cared for me. I could see them, hear them, touch them, talk to them, yet I felt disconnected. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't mine. I think it was post traumatic shock. It was my body protecting itself from feeling too much. It was my body on overload processing its crisis. It was a strange phenomenon. I am grateful to be waking from my nightmare & returning to life.