Back from the dead...

I feel as thought I have spent this last year like a bear in hibernation. It's so exciting waking up & catching up on the lives of loved ones. It's fun being out & about & running into friends. It's wonderful to to be able to answer peoples' question,"How are you?" with "So much better!" It's unreal to be able to enjoy a whole day without fatigue.

I spent most of today outside people watching, one of my favorite past times. I assisted a friend with a book sale & loved getting to know her more. We sat outside at the local pharmacy & enjoyed the people coming & going. In between customers, we visited. We ate Clif bars, drank cold drinks, & shared our lives. I love making a new friend.

This evening we (my husband & I) went to a baseball game complete with fireworks & a concert. It was such a pretty summer night. I got carried away eating a snow cone & Dippin Dots, but enjoyed both immensely.  Many of our friends were at this game, & I loved reconnecting with them. I loved the gentle breeze. I love the smell of summer. It is my favorite time of year.

I told my husband that I feel as though I have been dead for a year, removed from life, & self absorbed. Being intertwined in the lives of others is so. much. more. fun! As I begin to look back over what is soon to be a year since my diagnosis, I can't help but relive some painful moments. At times I'm still in disbelief... This 50 year old body, heart, & mind has been through a lot together. When one part suffered, so did the other 2.

So... now as my whole self begins to heal, I am overcome with life & joy. Excitement is brewing in my soul like a flower trying to push through the dirt & bloom. I know my days are numbered as are the days of each & every human being. Right now I don't feel compelled to dwell on that but rather to live each day as a gift, to live each day to the full. It's so much more fun than being lifeless.

It's a weird sensation feeling like I've missed out on a year of the lives of my loved ones. It's like time froze as I walked this lonely road. Everyone was cheering me on, yet, I felt alone, removed. It took all the energy I had to lived each day, merely as a couch potato. I had little to offer my loved ones. They cared for me. I could see them, hear them, touch them, talk to them, yet I felt disconnected. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't mine. I think it was post traumatic shock. It was my body protecting itself from feeling too much. It was my body on overload processing its crisis. It was a strange phenomenon. I am grateful to be waking from my nightmare & returning to life.