I wish I could stop thinking about cancer.

I've decided to continue my blog privately for now. Blogging out my thoughts is so enjoyable to me. I don't know why... it just is. I also have a goal to reach 365 blogs. Maybe someday, I will make this into a devotional. I don't know. I want to keep a record of the first year of my life with the shocking news of breast cancer. Part of my reason for taking a break was to give my immediate family a rest from reading my entries. They've said nothing to make me think they need a break. I just feel it's a constant reminder to them & could be tiring. If/when I resume in August, I will probably publish the private ones too.

I am going to see a counselor on Monday. I am actually excited about having a cancer counselor talk to me & help me understand the stages of grieving I am experiencing. My frame of mind is good (though I do still have waves of anxiety). I've gone 4 nights now without sleep medication. I'm not sleeping a full night, but I am sleeping. My confidence in my ability to sleep without medicine is returning. I didn't think it would ever be possible.

As I said in my last blog...I wish I could stop thinking about cancer. That is one thing I hope the counselor can help me conquer or perhaps adjust my expectations. I've been so barraged since the day I was diagnosed, it's hard not to think about all the details. Then... there's that gnawing fear of uncertainty, wondering if/when the cancer will return. How will it return? How will I suffer? Will I see my grandchildren? Will my family be okay without me? These are the kinds of thoughts that constantly run through my head.

Lately, God has given me a wonderful opportunity (right in my own community) to love on someone in need of love. I have committed myself to this situation as I can sense that God has ordained it & orchestrated the aligning of certain details so that I would be given this opportunity. It's good diversion from my cancer thoughts. It's actually healing.

I am excited to be living again. Though I have had some lesser health issues lately, I feel as though my body is still very susceptible to infection. Next week we hope to be swimming in the ocean, & I hope to have 10 days without health issues. That would be Heaven.