Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Tweaked.

So... here's my new deal. My Oncologist told me it's time to stop my sleep medication. That was about the last thing I wanted to hear (other than bad news, of course).   As a result, I'm not sleeping so well. Why is it that sleeplessness & cancer go together? Before my diagnosis, I slept like a baby most every night. It's probably due to a few factors. Sleeplessness is a part of having cancer. It just is. Some of the medicines cause insomnia. Lastly, heightened anxiety can also cause sleeplessness.

My nurse daughter has encouraged me to just relax & know that sleep will eventually come. Last night, I actually slept for 4 hours. So much better than the night before. I have a plan, & I am excited about it. I am going to use my wakeful hours to read. In my middle age, I have come to enjoy books. This was never the case in my younger years. I find it hard to put a good book down, & I believe it is a healthy, restful way to pass the quiet hours of the night.

My first read (off of sleep medication) is actually a book for men, The Breast Cancer Husband. I wish I would have read this book months ago because I learned so much about my new self & my emotional reactions over the past year. I recommend this book for all married couples going through breast cancer. It is written by a breast cancer husband (that is a man married to a woman on this unwanted journey). I found it both entertaining & insightful. It also helped me see what my help mate is going through with me. I would hate to be in his helpless & confusing shoes.

This book says that it is important to look back in life. It's important to process what we have been through so that we can move on to a new place. Sometimes looking back is exhausting & seems to  reopen our wounds. I also think it goes against our nature. If we could just sweep things under a rug & forget about the pain, that surely would be easier, wouldn't it? Not really cause it doesn't work. My past experience tells me that if we try to ignore our past, it will seep out of us like steam in a boiling pot on the stove.

I have also found that in looking back, the lessons we learn enable us to help others. Most importantly, we realize that it is our trials that truly shape our character. We become who we are through the rough stuff, not through the easy times. Nobody wants difficulty, but the treasures found on the path are worth  the misery.  Some of my lessons have been hard pills to swallow. Honestly, I haven't liked everything I've learned about myself. On a journey like this, you meet a person in the mirror that you never knew. She's you, but she's been tweaked.

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