Why not today?

This morning my day began with fear. I was on my way to The Cancer Center to have lab work. My liver enzymes are monitored on a monthly basis because they are elevated. As I buckled up, I knew I had to face my latest fear. I had discovered a new lump. Of course, this caused me to think about the fact that I could be sent for a scan. As my fears began to mount, I realized that the only answer was to put myself back in the palm of God's hand. My only choice is trusting Him that "all things will work for good" because I love Him.

Just before I backed out of my driveway, I ran across a card in my purse that I had picked up about a month ago at The Cancer Center. When I stuck it in my purse, I figured I would bless someone with it at just the right moment. Little did I know, the blessing was for me. It said...Do not be afraid for I am with you. It was adorned with pretty pink roses (my favorite).

I meditated on those words as I drove to The Cancer Center. My Oncologist was so nice to work me in right away. She examined me & assured me it was just part of my reconstruction. She was so kind & confident. I breathed my sigh of relief & thanked God. I thanked her for her kindness & headed for the lobby to wait out the rain storm.

Several hours later, I received a phone call from The Cancer Center telling me my labs were okay (the same, but stable). I don't have to have them taken again for 3 months. Wow! I wasn't expecting that. I am thankful. Sometimes, I don't understand why things are okay, & other times, things are not okay.

Why was my lump cancerous a year ago, & today, no worries? It all seems so random. Why me? Why not me? Why today? Why not today? I thank God for good news. I am grateful. I hate more than anything to put my family through any more agony. However, I still thank God for that awful day a year ago because it's brought so much depth to my life.

This journey is hard. It seems my life can unravel almost instantaneously. Sometimes, I feel as though I am tip toeing on a high rope. I feel so vulnerable. Sometimes, I don't feel so good. 2 doctors & my beloved counselor at The Cancer Center have told me that's normal. It could take a year after treatment to fully recover.

I have trouble gaging my activity level. I love picking up the pace, but it seems I have new limits. My counselor pointed out to me that "full throttle" is probably too much at this point. My personal goal has been to return to the pace I used to keep. Now I'm second guessing the worthiness of that goal. I'm slowing my pace & trying to find a sweet spot.