my best escape...

I am not alone, not ever. I am loved. When my loved ones are not near (& even when they are), God is ALWAYS with me. I have not spent one minute, even one split second, alone since (or before) my diagnosis. So... how is it I could ever feel alone? I have been pondering this question lately, not so much for myself but for other cancer patients as well.

I have come to a few conclusions. I think aloneness is inevitable because once you are diagnosed, you never escape knowing that you have cancer. You may or may not be mindful of it 24/7. However, little things will happen which serve as a constant reminder. When you feel troubled by your illness, sometimes others don't "get it." When you approach a time of evaluation, you have discussions in your head concerning the results. Sometimes your mind goes to a very lonely place.

If you talked about your cancer as much as you thought about it, you probably wouldn't have any friends. It's too much for the patient, & it would likely be too much for the listener. I believe that there is little (if any) escape for the cancer patient. I am sure this also holds true for other diseases. I have tried to escape my illness & successfully done so for increments of time.

Doing a kindness for someone else is my best escape. Laughter has remarkable effects. Focusing on the troubles of others definitely takes my mind off myself. My vacation was a wonderful escape. Having something to look forward to is good medicine. Reading a book provides respite. Music is healing. Devotions can lift my spirits to a Heavenly place. I'm sure a job or responsibility would be helpful too. Spending time in good company is irreplaceable. Blogging seems to be therapeutic.

It's important to be your own advocate. This concept does not come easy for me. It makes me feel harsh. I think being as educated as possible on your illness is invaluable. However, being well educated involves risk. Misunderstanding the information you find is definitely a pitfall. At first, the words used to describe your illness, your treatments, etc. might as well be a foreign language. In time, they begin to have meaning. You may also lead yourself through unnecessary anguish.

Fatigue, waves of anxiety, the unexpected, sleeplessness, changes in appearance, feeling misunderstood, unrelated problems, & not feeling like myself  contribute to feeling alone.  I have blogged recently about waiting. It definitely makes me feel alone. Finding a "new normal" has been suggested.  I'm not sure that's possible. My life is so far from what I thought was normal, I can't even begin to see it as anything close to any kind of normal. That's okay. I'm not sure it's a worthy goal. I think just accepting today for today is a more realistic option. Enjoying this changed life is a worthy goal. It lightens the load & speaks volumes to others. Seeing a purpose in your journey makes it worthwhile. Knowing that I am never alone (even when I feel alone) keeps my spirit in tact.