Today did not go as I hoped. I went for my Herceptin treatment & labs. During my treatment, the nurse came to tell me that my liver enzymes are still high. My oncologist is sending me to my GI (Gastroenterologist) to determine the cause of my escalated enzyme levels. I will likely have a test or two to see what is causing my latest issue. An endoscopy was mentioned as one probable test.
I don't like this, but who would? I was expecting my levels to still be high. I wasn't expecting follow up. I was under the impression we would just monitor them for awhile. My misunderstanding. I also had 4 more viles of blood drawn & sent off to the hospital. Hopefully, those results will be in by the end of the week.
This past week, I had some loved ones tell me that they admire me. I was deeply touched by their words, but feel there is little to admire in my life at this time. As the words rolled off the nurse's tongue this morning, I really just wanted to cry. I did shed a few tears once we got to the car. Again, fear grips my body, & I wait. I have no say in this. I must comply & wait.
Of course, my husband reminded me that it is best if I don't jump to conclusions. I know he is right, but I don't know how to keep my mind from racing ahead. I picture things I shouldn't. I fear things that may never come to pass. I believe it's just human nature. That's all.
Naturally, I've done my research on the internet. I really haven't learned anything I didn't already know. I just feel blah. I could cry an ocean, but really, what good would it do? So... I pick myself up, put on my smile, & carry on (as I wait). My trust is in the Lord. When my husband suggested I not get ahead of myself, I told him it was just a matter of surrendering...
My trust has never left the Lord. Without Him, I couldn't cope. I again surrender to the wisdom of my doctors. I surrender to tests I don't want to have. I surrender to waiting. I surrender to facing my fear. I surrender to knowing that whatever I go through, I am in the palm of God's hands. He holds the number of days of my life, & no test, no result, will change that number. I must comply. I must surrender. God will have the final say.
Susie, How can you question why others admire you? You are sweet, sincere, good-natured and after all you have been through, you still have your faith -- maybe that is why you use the word surrender. I have heard that word a lot lately. . .surrender to the fact that my life is changing with Michelle off into the world without me, to the fact that things aren't what I want them to be -- that I don't even know what that is. You, my friend, know what you want and that is to be here among your friends and family and not be sick -- so simple, yet not under anyone's control, as you said, not the doctors, the nurses, the tests, just God. I admire you more than anyone I have met. Just sayin' and really meaning it! Love, Sherry
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sherry. That is much more than I deserve. Love you, Susie
ReplyDeleteSusie, I have read your blog and I continue to pray for you. I have also had some setbacks in fighting my cancer that cause me to have many of the same thoughts that you are having.
DeleteBoth of us must stay strong in knowing that God will not put us through more than we can handle. Just know that you and I are loved by God and many friends and family. If you would like to talk, my phone number is 847-791-4713 or if you prefer, I can call you if you give me your phone number.
I love you as many other people (and animals) do.
yhave1, I thank you for your kind words & reassurance. I am wondering if I know you? Thank you for taking time to send me this message & for your phone #. How kind. Love, Susie
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