the. phone. call.

In the blink of an eye, my world was turned upside down. One phone call was all it took. My liver enzymes were significantly elevated. I needed a CT scan today. "Is the Dr looking for cancer?"  The answer, "Yep, yep, yep."  The one test I didn't fear turned out to be the one test that could have changed the course of my life (again). We (my friend & I) went straight to the hospital. I drank some interesting prep & waited to hear my name called. My husband & daughter arrived, & together we discussed my possible options.

As I began to process my new battle, I envisioned metestatic cancer. I realized if it came back, it would be with even more of a vengeance than the first time. I knew it would be a hard fight, & in my mind, I questioned if it would be worth it. I didn't think my odds would leave me much hope of a future on this earth.

Unbeknownst to me, the doctor had ordered the scan stat & with interpretation. 45 minutes after the scan was completed, the doctor called the waiting room to tell me it was negative. I think my daughter & I had to pinch ourselves to know that we actually got good news. We need to figure out which medication is elevating my enzymes, but no cancer was found.

I don't think I shed one tear. I must have been numb or completely surrendered. As my life once again flashed before me, I realized that I may never see the grandchildren I one day dream of holding. I again realized that my husband may be living out his earthly life without his precious soul mate. I saw my daughters without their mom to love them through the hardships of life.

My sweet daughters cried enough tears for me today. My husband maintained everything would be okay. My friend tried to distract me. She took the wait & see approach. In my mind... well... it couldn't be good. My dear friends lifted me up in prayer (yes, again).

We celebrated our relief with food (of course). We realized the frailty of my life (once again). We thanked God that this one ended happily. I don't even know what to think. I don't know if I'm so numb, I can't emotionally express my feelings which just seem flat, or if I truly believe I am in the palm of God's hand & have surrendered my health to Him. I fully recognize that my days are numbered (as are everyone's). He gives, & He takes away...