still waiting...

People with cancer w a i t . We wait for tests. We wait for results. We wait for diagnosis. We wait for prognosis. We wait for procedures. We wait for surgery. We wait with company. We wait alone. We wait always knowing that we are waiting...

How do we wait? We fret. We imagine our outcome. We go back & forth conversing with ourselves on how we will handle our news. We pray. We confide in loved ones. We try to sidetrack ourselves. We try not to think about our troubles. We focus on our blessings. We think of others. We pray for others.  We spend time with loved ones. We clean. We shop. We read. We facebook. We call. We watch others as their lives go on. We try not to get ahead of ourselves. We pretend. We try to sleep. We shed tears. We cry out to God. And... we wait.

For me, waiting is difficult. I have spent this week w a i t i n g . Tomorrow, I am supposed to hear something. But, then again, I was supposed to hear something on Tuesday, & then on Wednesday. Today I heard that tomorrow I will hear what my GI thinks. Hmmnnn.... What will he think? Will he just monitor my enzyme levels, or will he see a need to run some tests? Will they be tests that frighten me?

This week, I have read a book. I have cleaned out my pantry & put myself & my husband on a diet. I have studied this diet & shopped & planned accordingly. My phone has accompanied me throughout each day. I have spent time with 2 out of 3 daughters. The third one is still in South Africa. She has called twice to check on me. I have gone out for frozen yogurt with friends. I have loved on my animals. I have caught up with a few friends on the phone.

I go to bed thinking about my outcome. I wake up thinking about my outcome. I have learned to enjoy each day (even in spite of waiting). For me, waiting makes me weary. It's hard on me. It's hard on my emotions. Just as I round a corner, it seems a new concern is waiting for me. Will I ever get away from cancer? Right now, it doesn't seem like it.

Recently, I have been told that all of our trials are about refining our hearts, about making us more like Christ. I believe this to be true. I know my heart needs refining in this area. How many times will I have to wait until I learn to wait with grace? Even though I know that God is filtering everything that comes my way, I still find it hard to w a i t .