One year approaches...

August 14th is almost here, the first year anniversary of the day my life changed. I just clicked on my first blog & walked down memory lane. Actually, I've walked down this lane in my mind so many times in the last year, I'm quite comfortable reading about it. I just thought I would check in to see if my head was in a different place (now, a year later)...

I thought I would be very emotional as I approached my first anniversary of my journey with cancer. Truth is... I've been so happy lately, I don't feel sad (at least not yet). The past few weeks have been fun. I've gotten to visit with my mom & even made the trip on my own. I've started swimming & feel as though I am strengthening my weak arm. I finally cleaned my front porch & got my garage cleaned. That's always invigorating, & I did it all on my own. I've begun a new diet, & I like it. Lastly, my daughter came home from 2 months in South Africa, & I am so happy to see her so happy.

I have decided to live my life as if my cancer is not going to return. If it does, we will deal with it. In the meantime, I am going to live life. Yes, live life. I am going to enjoy my relationships & pour as much into them as I can. AS I've said before, I am not afraid of my eternity, just sad about leaving my loved ones behind. However, I have an ever-present knowing (as I wrote in my first blog) that I rest in the palm of God's hand. Truly, the safest place to be.

I have learned many things about myself this past year. I am always thankful for the truth (even if it's not pretty). I live my life a bit differently, but that is by choice. When someone calls me, I do all I can to converse (even if it isn't at a time I would choose to chat). When I run into someone, I try to take  time to visit, rather than constantly rushing on to the next activity. I think that is one of my biggest changes.

My pace has slowed immensely. I plan much less in my day, & I try to savor each moment (whether I am swimming, cooking, or running into someone). I try not to always be in a hurry, but to live in the moment (not in anticipation of the next moment). I try to focus on today & enjoy what lies before me. If I have a dreaded test or treatment ahead of me, I try not to think too much about it until the night before.

As I look back over the past year, I am aware of good that has come from my journey. I am thankful for any positives that have resulted from this journey, because that is what makes it all worth while. I have experienced a vast array of emotions over the past year. At one point, I thought I might be better off dead. My friend recently reminded me of that. It was definitely one of the lowest most painful times in my life. I never imagined myself in that spot.

What breaks my heart the most?  When I hear that someone else has received a terrible diagnosis. It might be an original diagnosis or their cancer has metastasized or gotten worse. I find this so hard to bear. If someone loses their fight to this disease, I take it really hard. I have cried many tears this past year for my fellow fighters.

Lastly, I have planned a very special day for August 14th this year. I am going to spend the day with my 3 daughters doing something fun. I hope to make this a mother/daughter tradition every year on this day. I cannot think of 3 ladies I'd rather be with on this special day.

Cancer has become a part of my life. I do not feel it is my identity, but I do feel it is my journey, & a new avenue in which I can share my love for my Savior. God has opened new doors for me this past year. These doors, I would NEVER have opened on my own. BUT as I peek around the corner to see what is on the other side, I always know that He is holding my hand.