Bump.

Yesterday was a sweet day. A friend/neighbor had just brought me home made candies & sat for a short visit. As she said her good-byes, I looked at the clock & realized I had two minutes left to call the doctor. I had a pending question on my mind. A question I wanted an answer to so I could address my further treatment plan.

I wish I had not picked up my phone & pressed CALL.  Prior to that moment I was thinking that I had the perfect day. My oldest came to spend the morning with me & brought with her a beautiful display of Valentine goodies. We laughed & shared sweet memories. My husband came home with heart shaped pizza & mushy card. He knows what  touches my heart. Flowers were unexpectedly delivered from a family I adore. The bouquet was complete with sparkly hearts. My niece sent me a "Surrounded by Love" angel, chocolates, & blessed me with a card that filled my eyes with tears. I just couldn't imagine a happier heart at that moment...

Then it happened. My world was shattered. The doctor refused to answer my question until my next visit. "But... wait... I need this information for the doctor I see first. " The reply..."Then have his office call me." The bottom line (according to me)... It doesn't matter that it is my life we are talking about, & I have just been removed from the equation. It doesn't matter that I have anxiety & have to wait for my next appointment. It doesn't matter that my mind will wander into unknown territory that is unhealthy for any mind. Nothing matters. Nothing I can say will achieve anything positive to help me find my answer. My words (at best) only stand to hurt me. I need to thank the nurse and say good-bye. So I did.

I called my oldest daughter & began to fall apart. I couldn't imagine what this response meant, & again I was helpless. I hated myself for casting a cloud on my daughter's Valentine's Day. My husband got up from his nap, & you could see the hurt in his eyes as he listened. I ate my heart shaped pizza feeling numb. He didn't even eat.

Slowly the truth began to seep in... This is our life. We have been through worse, & together, we will get through this bump. Maybe the doctor just wants to be able to look me in the eye & explain my options (to be sure I understand)?  Maybe it's her policy not to discuss such "things" over the phone?  Maybe she is in fact being kind?

My decision: #1  to hold onto my good news
                      #2  to realize this part of my life will never go away
                      #3  it's okay because it keeps me close to God

As the day came to a close, I knew our hearts were already beginning to mend. My middle daughter came home with a beautiful heart shaped cookie. Her timing was precious. The 3 of us ate the whole thing all the while remarking over it's deliciousness. Joy began to creep back into my heart.