This I know...

Today is Sunday morning, the day before my big, scary surgery. A few people have dared to look into my eyes & ask me how I am doing. I try not to dwell on it because sometimes it causes my heart to race. It's easy to let your fears get out of hand at a time like this. But... then I realize, some of my loved ones truly want to know. So... this blog is for my loved one who really want to know.

My emotions come & go. People (some I am close to, & others take me by surprise) have gone out of their way to express their heartfelt love for me.  I am so NOT alone on this journey. That makes a difference. If I could actually know & count the prayers that are being said on my behalf, I would be both humbled & overwhelmed!

I am not as concerned about the lymph node count as I was, because I know God is bigger than the number that is found. I just feel sorry for my husband having to be the one to process it first & tell me.
I know tomorrow will be such a long day for my family, & I wish I could be there to comfort them. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

A dear friend told me I will awake from surgery feeling as though an elephant is resting on my chest. I am so glad she told me this. Otherwise, I think I might have thought I was dying. I don't look forward to the first few days after surgery because I don't know how I will react to the pain. I am hoping the pain medication will work for me.

Sometimes my mind even wanders to the future. First of all, will I make it through surgery? What if something goes wrong, & I don't wake up? Secondly (after I reassure myself I will awake), comes the grave question of what will the future hold? Will this cancer return? If so, where? How will I live my life with this uncertainty? Am I capable of living with joy knowing I will be be monitored until eternity?

I can only know that God's grace will be sufficient for each day. This I know & have experienced prior to this journey. I can count on it. I know that as Jesus carried His cross, God's grace took each step with Him. He knows my path & will walk it with me. Even when my family is not near, God never leaves me. This I know...