I look at a recent picture my daughter took. I feel as though I am fading. I don't really look like my precancerous self anymore. In fact, I'm not sure I am her. So much has changed in my life. It, of course, begins with the hair, the most noticeable change. Then there are other changes too. Some are less severe than others, & some are not fit to be mentioned in a blog.
I have spent a great deal of time on my couch since I began treatment. Chemo wasn't so bad; it just took the wind out of my sails. Physically, I went from riding my bike 10 miles a day, walking my beloved pooch, & going to Curves, to not being able to carry my purse up the stairwell. Sometimes when I reached the top, my heart was pounding. One day, I felt like my hips would break. They didn't.
Physical changes don't bother me too much. Some are more visible than others. Hair loss is obvious. How it changes your look! My fingernails scare me. 3 of them look as if they were slammed in my car door. Neuropathy is a constant companion. Sometimes my extremities are numb, tingle, & hurt all at the same time. How can this be? As for my reconstruction, I can live with that.
As for my heart, it is the same heart. I love just as I have always loved. However, I believe I have been temporarily stripped of my ability to love others as I used to. Being homebound & residing daily on my couch, limits my opportunities to put my love in motion. It will be awhile before I regain this privilege.
Then there is my mind... my thought processes, how I see the world, how I cope with my ever fading self. My perspective is different. It's definitely in a new place, much more eternal. I actually like this perspective. It has its way of sifting through your priorities & allowing you to focus only on what you have to handle.
Relationships: Some have faded, some have struggled, some have deepened. New ones have formed. I miss my friends & the joys we shared. I feel as though I have been snatched from this planet for a while, & their lives continue. That's necessary. This journey I am on doesn't always include them. Words cannot describe what is going on inside of me. If I could formulate it, I would.
My faith is in tact. It's holding up, & remains the one part of this journey I would never trade. So... when my hair grows back, & my body regains its strength, will my life come back? Will I be the precancerous picture of myself with the mind that lives in the recent photo that was taken?
Sometimes what we see is so different from what others see when looking at us...I see the same beautiful smile, the same loving eyes Susie.
ReplyDeleteI pray day by day you will feel the strength return. And before very long those things you love to do that we all take for granted from walking a dog, to biking, or even as you shared, walking up the stairs with ease, will be a part of your daily routine once again. I remember at one point some years ago getting rather tired with the same old routine.
Then in a moment everything changed. My days were spent with someone I love who was battling cancer. Life as we knew it changed, we changed. And eventually, normal did return, or at least our version of it.
I pray it won't be long until you are looking back at this time as you walk your dogs, take that long bike ride, and maybe even another cruise with your hubby. Hey, lets think BIG here, right?
Susie, how perfect that what never changes, is our AWESOME GOD.
Susie,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your blog today I could relate to you on so many things,all but the cancer.When I was so sick just 2 yrs ago,and for 4 yrs I thought many a time Why,how could this be happening and why.???
What I discovered Dr after Dr visit and test after test and they revealed nothing was that I was so powerless over what was happening with my body.
I had nothing but God to see me thru.Some friends went by the wayside,people were able to do their evryday life,me I was stuck at home sitting on a chair while the whole world including my family went about their " normal" life.
So many days I sat and wondered would I ever be Me again?? Would I ever be able to go on my 4 mile walks,would I be able to do my housecleaning again,go to my job again w out excruciating pain?
Many days my time and tears were spent w God .I begged and pleaded I would do whatever it took,to just allow me to be " normal" again.
It was in my darkest days that I realized what really mattered and who really matttered.
I imagined on a daily basis what everyone was doing,and all the places they were going to and yet here I sat on my chair day after day in pain.
What I learned was that God needed to slow my life down and get me to get closer to him and to get rid of the distractions that keep me " busy" all the time.
I believe that my 2 yrs of not working,not having what I percieved as a life was indeed where God needed me to be.God lead us in his own time to the roght Dr' s,the right plan of action and the right diagnosis.
My body was not my own,it didn't move or feel the same way,I gained 40 lbs from lack of movement,I too would look at myself and think I don't even look like me.
Slowly but surely I found me agin,with the help of amazing people.
I know I wasn't even faced w life or death but it was my life or death.
I want you to know that at any time I would be more than honored to visit you and to bring you company even just to let you know your presence in the day to to day life is so valuable and that so many people care for you and love you so much deeper because of where you have been and where you will still travel.
I hope you don't mind me sharing all this on your blog.I read all your bligs and live them,but today this one hit home to my heart on a diffrent level.
I pray for you daily,and I know God has great things in store for you yet to co.e.!!
God bless you Susie.Being transparent is such a gift you are giving to so many.
Hugs and love to you daily.