Beautiful Women...

My heart is heavy. I have met some of the deepest, most beautiful people on my journey. I found an entry in a book a few months ago that's remained in my head. I remember it was written by a caregiver of breast cancer patients. The nurse wrote, "Breast cancer patients are the most beautiful women." She went on to explain that she loves caring for them.  She described their bald heads, their beautiful eyes, & how she could see into their hearts.

I was newly diagnosed at the time, & I didn't really "get" what the author was saying. I wasn't feeling too beautiful myself, & I was anticipating my upcoming baldness as anything but beautiful. Furthermore, I did not feel my heart had much beauty to radiate. It was crushed! As for my eyes, the chemo had dried them out, & they were bloodshot from a bad sinus infection. Beauty & breast cancer just didn't go together in my world.

I had no choice but to surrender. I think having breast cancer is a delicate balance between fighting & surrendering. So much is out of the patient's control. If you want to get well, you must surrender to the treatments, the surgery, the dark thoughts, people's stares, people's kindness, their well meaning stories of their friend or relative who's breast cancer returned. Then there is surrendering to your losses: your hair, your body parts, your mind. It all seems so surreal. Most importantly, I believe you must surrender to God's will. I was asked by my pastor if God had revealed to me that I would be healed. Truthfully, no, not this side of Heaven.


My friend (a fellow survivor) had received healing & lives every day with that knowing. I think my journey is one of not knowing but of depending on Him. He knows my greatest weakness, & I am sure the things I've had to surrender are refining my heart. I believe I am to walk this journey so that others can see Him in me regardless of when my healing occurs. Now... about 7 months down the road of this journey, I understand what that caregiver wrote. I have met some of the most beautiful women I have ever known. They are farther along on their journey, & their prognosis's are difficult.

I look at their faces, & my heart melts. I look into their eyes, & I see a sweet softness, a sweet surrendering. Their hearts radiate love: for their family, for life, & for fellow survivors. Their honesty is startling. Survivors seem to tell the truth (even when it's heinous). Surrendering is part of their journey.
As one beautiful friend worded it in her blog, "it's the ultimate letting go" when you place your husband & children into the palm of God's hand, knowing He will care for them when you are gone. As I read her words, I had no words, only anguish...