It doesn't really matter.

I miss my hair & feeling like a normal person (not that I was ever normal). I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb in every way.  Almost always, people stare at me through eyes of compassion. They have no desire to walk in my shoes. I understand because I remember living on their side of the fence. I remember wondering what someone in my shoes felt. I think back to how I wondered what they'd endured. I even remember fearing I would become them.

I've never felt like I was stunning. I've always been okay with my appearance. If it weren't for my unruly hair, I would have been able to go unnoticed in a crowd. I liked it that way. I don't think my worth was caught up in my looks, but maybe I am kidding myself. I know I didn't like it when my hair got too crazy, my clothes didn't fit right, etc. As I reached midlife, it became more difficult to maintain my weight. I know that bothered me deeply.

I remember coming across a quote one day that is worth savoring for a life time: As a woman's outward beauty fades, her inner beauty becomes more radiant. I hope this is how my husband sees me. Honestly, right now in my current state, it's hard for me to see myself as beautiful from anyone's point of view.  However, I look at other cancer patients, & I see pure beauty. Strange how our minds work.

I know I have an emotional challenge raging within me. I am struggling with my new body, what to wear, impatience with my lack of hair, & the next phase of this journey. I wish I could say I am comfortable in my own skin, but that would be a lie. The best I can do is ignore my feelings, try to focus on others, & enjoy each day. Loved ones seem to be the best medicine for my current mind set.

I also feel guilt for this state I've allowed to grab my heart. I like to be a bright person, & I don't like dwelling here. It makes me feel ungrateful. I prefer to be grateful. It makes me feel self-absorbed. I love caring for others. I find it unproductive, spinning my wheels. It's certainly not helpful for my own peace of mind (or those around me).

I think it is time for me to grasp the truth & let go of what doesn't matter. I do this on a daily basis, but lately it settles in like a dense fog. Right now, I can do my part to regain my health, but I am powerless to make my hair come back faster. My body has changed. All I can do is dress appropriately. It's hard to figure out what works... which brings me back to the fact: it doesn't really matter.