"You don't need to fear."

I don't quite know what to make of today. I wish I could explain the details of my day, but I can't out of respect for my loved one. Suffice it to say, someone dear to me is suffering. To see the mind & body fading simultaneously is heartbreaking. To see the person you once knew slipping out of reality into confusion, hurt, frustration, & a land of no return is one of the hardest things I've ever witnessed. I knew this time was coming, but now that it's upon us, that makes it not one tiny bit easier to bear. Being in my position, helpless to help my loved one, only adds to the agony.

I began today at my second home, The Cancer Center. I had my blood drawn & awaited the news. Would I be accepted into the clinical trial? Would I have to have a scan to be assured my cancer hadn't spread?  My friend kept me company as I had my treatment. She was deeply concerned because she knows how my mind works. She didn't want me to bear an unnecessary burden. Where would I be without this friend? I could see my own agony reflected in her facial expression & in the tone of her voice.

My blood work came back. My numbers were back to normal (at least for today). Thank you, God! I thought I was out of the woods. My friend & I chatted & visited with my nurse & the friendly patient next to me. I called my husband & my 3 daughters to share my good news. I had one less decision ahead of me (so I thought). Then the researcher returned...

In the blink of an eye, I was back to reality. My blood work was normal, but what about that small spot on my liver? She even mentioned that it was noted as suspicious when it was documented a few months ago. I just sat there, trying not to overeact. I was wondering why she just now thought of this. I had mentioned it just the week before, & it had been in my records from the start. 

I began to try to work this out in my mind. I left The Cancer Center waiting for an answer. I went home to ready myself for an afternoon of pondering my health & the state of my loved one. I sat on my couch & began to pray. Immediately, I heard God's still small voice. He told me not to be afraid. He didn't say everything would be okay. He simply said, "You don't need to fear."I sat there & soaked His words up as the sun began to peek through the clouds. I basked in my awe. God wanted me to have peace whatever my outcome.

A few hours later, my cell rang. Good news; my spot is benign. The clinical trial accepted me. Again, Thank you, God! My family was overjoyed. It's been a long day. My loved one weighs heavily on my heart, and at the same time, I am overcome with a deep feeling of gratitude.  I don't have the answers to some serious concerns in my life, but I have a God who doesn't want me to be afraid. That takes my breath away...