deal breaker

We all have deal beakers in our lives, the final detail that pushes us over the edge, one side or the other. Today, my cancer will decide the fate of a homeless kitty.  With my decreased immunities, will I be allowed to change the cat box? Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is.  It's a deal breaker.

I found a beautiful cat. I hope to name her Bella. She's a Torte, & she & I have connected. I believe I am supposed to be her forever home, her mama. When I hold her, she stares into my eyes. I am told her journey had a rough start. When she was found, she was starving. You would never know that now. Her foster mammy says she likes to boss the other cats. She'd love to place her in a home where she would be the only cat.

She's between the age of 1 & 2. She's a medium size, & some say... She is not the prettiest cat they've ever seen. To me she is precious. Her fur is healthy & pretty. Her colors swirl together like chocolate & caramel. She is distinct because her face has beautiful caramel colors, mainly on one side. Her most beautiful feature: her telling green eyes.

Bella loves attention. She loves to be held. Did I say she stares into my eyes? Yesterday, I met her in the afternoon. When I took my husband to meet her in the evening, she remembered me. For some strange reason, we have an understanding, a sweet bond. I believe she is saying, "I want to be yours. I know you are on a journey, & I'd like to walk it with you."

For me... my understanding is this: I am on a journey, & I would like her company. I'd like to hold her at night while we watch TV, & play with her swirls of fur. I'd like to run my fingers through the fur between her ears, & tell her how much I love her. I would love to stare into her pretty green eyes & imagine that she is saying she loves me right back. I'd like to pretend that she is telling me our home is the one she saw in her dreams. I believe she knew this the moment we met.

What will my Oncologist say? Bella's fate lies in her hands. If she says no, my sadness will eventually settle. I might be mad at Cancer for awhile. It will take a little time for me to recover, to see the bright side (if there is one). Cancer has altered me significantly. If it robs me of this precious little creature, the significance will be deeper than I can say...

UPDATE:  Bella was adopted on 4/1/12. I received clarence from my Oncologist. I have felt childish about this blog. I was spiraling downhill when I wrote it. I've only had Bella for a day, & I can honestly say... she is everything I hoped for & more. I believe we are match made in Heaven. If you prayed for Bella, I thank you with all of my heart.